I wrote this Q & A for the November 2009 issue of Geek Monthly, where it was published in a slightly different format as “Ask a Zombie.”

When I was alive I’d fight a zombie, but never wonder, “How’s this guy spending the rest of his time?” Die and learn I guess.  I will now attempt to answer just a few questions that I’d wish someone had taken the time from stalking and eating to answer for me when I was first bitten.  Alright! Let’s get right to the old mailbag …

“Why do the undead always look like they’re falling apart?  It’s really gross!”

You’re referring to “body rot,” Megan.  As unsightly as it may be, zombies are literally falling apart due to decay. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be tidy.  I mean, I know guys with bugs crawling on them who are just plain dirty.  These are the clowns who always get the close-ups on local news.  I don’t know if they were this filthy while they were alive or if they’ve just given up on hygiene after dying, but show a little self respect.  I like to eat too, but I can do so without looking like a slob. I’ve got a lot of sympathy for the zombie who is torn in half, so I’ll cut a guy like that a bit more slack, but for those of you who don’t have to drag your torso across the dirt I say, “dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”

“Sssssssssseeeeeeeth?”

I know you’re hungry, but try to control your appetite.  There will always be dopes in the world; they’ll practically wander right up to you. I say, stick to gnawing on them, there is no shame in eating the slow or dim witted. The smart ones run really fast!  And good for them! If you have to chase somebody, chances are they’ve set some sort of MacGyver inspired, post apocalyptic, tiger trap that involves removing your head from your shoulders.  I know what you’re thinking, if the cavemen had waited for the food to come to them, they would have starved.  I’ll take this train of logic one stop further, if the cavemen had starved, they wouldn’t have evolved, and you, wouldn’t be a freaking zombie.  Your reasoning is flawed because woolly mammoths did not have automatic weapons and big axes! But… do what you like.  It’s your afterlife.

“Do zombies eat human brains exclusively?”

Fact: Zombies eat whatever we can get our rotting hands on, brains, legs, intestine… I personally, enjoy throats and arms (man that’s just plain good eatin’).  I don’t know how this brain thing got started; there are worse misconceptions out there though, so this one is low priority.

“Grrrrrrrrrrawwwww! Mmmmmmmaaa?”

Brian, Don’t bother trying to speak to the living.  They don’t get it!  In fact, they won’t get it until some drooling sap takes a bite out of them.  Generally they’re too busy screaming, running the other way, or spouting tough guy sound bites to listen to your rational. I have never gotten past clearing my throat, which takes a surprisingly long time these days. You will be able to talk with, and understand, other zombies, but, as in life, it seems the guys who are the least intriguing are the guys who won’t shut up, so it’s all, “Mmm, I’m gonna bite that blonde, even though I just polished off a couple of soldiers so I’m not really that hungry. Mmmm,” or “look at this leg, sure I’ve been dragging it in the dirt and it’s completely unappetizing, but I’m gonna wave it around like a lunatic.”  Please don’t misunderstand me; most of the undead are good people, who just want a hot meal and a little rest.  But a few of these guys are just jerks; and who do you think the media is going to focus on?

“How do I know if I’m dealing with a slow zombie or a fast zombie before I get too close?”

Me? I’m a throw back; I walk everywhere.  I mean, I’m already undead, what’s the hurry?  Some of these young guys like to run, mostly because it surprises the hell out of the living.  However, I’ve seen some fast guys, leave their slow friend behind and finish a meal before he even staggered up to the corpse; that’s just bad manners.  Conversely, I did have to listen to this entitled slow poke for a week.  He knew who he was hanging out with; lose the limp and start making some time! Be prompt for a meal and you won’t get left with entrails and eyeballs.   Quick story, I just had dinner with a high school track star and, although I’m philosophically against chasing down a meal, it was a thing of beauty watching this guy out-leg a couple and take them apart.  It was like a Discovery Channel special on the Serengeti; lions running down gazelles.  Good luck Colonel.

“Hoo? Glurgggg?  Hooooooooooo?  Hoo?

What about animal zombies, you ask?  I can’t tell you how many times newbies ask me this one.  My advice is always the same, if you can actually catch an animal and bite it while resisting the urge to eat the whole thing, more power to you.  Wildlife is both tasty and extremely quick.  If you’re really interested and you have the time, try looking for a diseased or wounded animal that you can bite, they’re slow moving, you won’t get any sicker, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the results.

“I heard that the government is working on a cure with some big drug companies.  I really hate freakin’ zombies… I wish you’d all die!”

Great.  Thanks.  You don’t really get how this works do you?  I know where that 7-11 is by the way.  For the record, there is no cure for zombism.  A girl I knew from work spent 2 weeks in some research facility in Louisiana while scientists were trying to “cure” her.  Long story short, she came back with three arms, and two of them weren’t hers.  I suppose her patience, good will, and desire not to be dead reached its limit.  She left unexpectedly, but not before packing a few snacks for the long hobble back home.  I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but, if you’re dead; you’re not getting any better!  With werewolves or vampires, if you kill the original one, all subsequent werewolves and vampires are supposed to revert back to normal.  I know the head zombie, a woman named Cindy; we call her “The OZ,” Original Zombie.  She told me that this theory is inconclusive when dealing with the undead, and then she ran off to a meeting.  Sorry.