“Finally break Kate Gosselin’s harpy like spell on me by focusing all my energy on Snooki Polizzi.”

“Stop insisting that Die Hard is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.”

“Eat more carbs.”

“Better prepare for the zombie apocalypse.”

“Quit pretending to be smarter than experts by spouting legal advice from Matlock and medical advice from House.”

“Harvest organs for Tracy Morgan and Burt Reynolds so the can live forever like Keith Richards.  It sounds nuts, but history’s gonna’ be the judge on this one.”

“Insist that all new interns know the difference between Cobra, the terrorist network that battles G.I. Joe, and Kobra Kai, the evil karate school from The Karate Kid, before hiring them.”

“Convince Oprah that Mr. Billy Idol needs his own show on O.W.N.”

“Lighten up on Spider-Man.  The guy is just trying to help, even if he did let Bono convince him to be in that wacky musical.”

“Capture the Hamburgler.”

I understand that fans often write letters to fictional characters.  I understand that Tina Fey’s alter ego, Liz Lemon, from 30 Rock, has a big following (including everyone in our offices), meaning she probably gets all manner of weirdness written to and about her.  What I don’t understand is why this one guy keeps sending his Liz Lemon love letters to us.

Regardless, LEMON SQUEEZER’s unrequited musings of devotion are strange enough to print on this whacko site; we just hope Lemon appreciates his creepiness like we do.  Nerds!

“The Woman and the Cheese”

You love that night cheese

In spite of Meat Cat’s warnings

Oh Cheesy Blasters!

————————————

Dearest Elizabeth,

I too wear a bathing suit on laundry day.  Mine has a walrus stenciled on the front in baby blue.  You strike me as a woman who favors the utility of a one-piece over the showiness of a bikini.  Not to say that your status doesn’t warrant a power tankini.  Maybe I’m dating myself, but it was a good look for a while and you could definitely do it justice.

When you get this please know I have interests beyond swimwear, including pizza eating.

You are the head writer of my heart.

L.S.

———————————-

L is for “Liz-ard,” a nickname that should have caught on.

E is for eating.

M is for the monkeys that you have working for you.

O is for optics – keep the glasses on.

N is for the nerds I must battle to win you.

Somebody tell Laura Ingalls-Wilder to sew Taylor Swift one of those calico prairie dresses.  And get an Aquaman costume for that blond kid from Glee. The Daily Jim has returned, insisting that the unpopular roam the cultural landscape with the overly cocky popular!  As always, Burt Reynolds and Lady Gaga can duke it out on their own.

Now, down to business.

Our, still unpaid, intern, Ben, will actually be doing some writing in a new ongoing Friday feature he’d like us to call “Handsome Ben’s List of Pop Culture Genius.” (NOTE – This will obviously not be the final title for the series, but we’re letting him put it in print just this once.). So …

Handsome Ben’s List of Pop Culture Genius #1: True Adages as Illustrated by Zombies

1. Actions speak louder than words. Because there’s no reasoning with the undead.

2. You can’t beat a dead horse. Of course you can’t. Beating a 800 pound, flesh eating zombie horse will just tire you out. Experts suggest cleanly separating its head from its body.

3. Curiosity killed the cat. And probably the first guy who said to a zombie, “Hey man, you don’t look so good.  You should eat something.”

4. Great minds think alike. Run away!

5. Don’t bite off more than you can chew. Geez, that one just seems obvious.

Apparently Ben would like this to be the last time he writes solo for this site.  Thank you for your patience.

To continue our Back to School analysis of education on television, thedailyjim.com now turns its eye to TV’s beloved characters who were actually hurt by their own booksmarts.

Let’s deal with Urkel right off the bat.  I know that I just used the word “beloved,” but even if you hate the creepy little dork he’s still managed to be a figure of note in our everyday pop-culture world.  That being said, taking AP classes in 2nd grade  and stalking the girl next door throughout high school did not help his social agenda.  If Family Matters was indeed about family, young Urkel exemplified how not to raise your kid.  Yes, yes, we all think a precocious child is somewhat amusing, but he was twenty-two when they squeezed the last laugh out of that show. It’s easy to malign Urkel.  And it should be.

The guy can make a electrical generator from a skinny kid and a bicycle, but he can’t figure out that there’s enough wood and sap to repair the Minnow and get off Gilligan’s Island.   Seriously, Jin, Sawyer, and Michael would have had that thing off the island in like a week. The Professor was no dope though, that’s for sure, he picked Maryann over Ginger every time (well… almost every time).  They say many geniuses can’t make their way through life’s simple challenges, which is why they prefer the laboratory environment.  Fine.  But what the hell was he doing on a day charter in Hawaii?!?!  Knowing his name was actually Roy Hinkley does not help me at all.

Finally, we come to the winner of My Intelligence Screwed Me: Sam Beckett.  Sure the guy found out a way to Quantum Leap, but what did that get him? Four years of having his only friend be a futuristic hologram while leaping into other people’s bodies and eventually winding up dead in a bar.  Way to go Doc.

Sure, we all want to send our kids to college, but don’t forget to run ‘em out side once in a while.

(careful readers will note that Carol Seaver from Growing Pains was omitted from this list, because the boys in the office all had crushes on her as kids.

To commemorate the beginning of the school year, we at thedailyjim.com have looked into our collective past to see how lack of education hasn’t affected some of our favorite television characters one bit.

Charles “Pa” Ingalls had little formal education, but he sure could play that fiddle.  In fact less classroom time meant he could learn all the things the bookworms only read about.  The guy built a little house on the prairie, milled wood, served for a time as a dynamite monkey, delivered various mammalian babies, both human and farm animal, taught himself to read, could tie a necktie, drop a rap on the ladies, and was considered a wise Walnut Grove elder while barely 40.  I have no idea why two of his kids became teachers.

Life was pretty nutty for the Tate family, but their butler, Benson DuBois, tried to keep a level head.  Just before Soap was cancelled and the unemployed Tate’s (including Richard Mulligan, Katherine Helmond, and Billy Crystal) were exhalted as comedy royalty, ol’ Benson moved to the Governor’s mansion.  There, he moved quickly from picking up the Governor’s undies to serving as his Lieutenant, then running against him for the big seat in the series cliffhanger.  If only Kraus, the Governor’s German cook, had that kind of luck.

Okay, Rachel Green was kind of whiny, but man, was her soup hot.  Getting a haircut named after you isn’t that hard, ask Darrell Mullet, but for Ms. Green it was only the starting block.  From admittedly horrible barista to Ralph Lauren Polo executive in under a decade is pretty impressive even if you’re working your way through an MBA.  The thing is, she didn’t.  Never once did this Friend go to a leadership seminar or audit a college fashion class.  She just excelled in making bad life choices and karma took the ’90s off.

Hugo Reyes, the man known as Hurley is the television embodiment of slacker.  He’s unmotivated and tree-slothy.  Even his millions turned to misery.  How then, was this vision of moppishness vaulted to the position of last line of defense for humanity?  We have no idea, but Hurley seemed to keep the lid on the eternal battle between good and evil until Lost came to an end last season.  No word on who manning the store now, though.

Now anyone can shoot at some food and hit a pocket of oil making them a millionaire like The Beverly Hillbillies’ Jed Clampet (that’s kind of our country’s motto), but these individuals are proof positive that the world is unjust and that many of us paid too much for college.  I’d like to get a piece of my high school guidance counselor just once and stick his ass on an island with a smoke monster…

There has been talk for years about the escalating craziness of Japanese television.  People get injured on a regular basis, there are a ton of zany costumes, everything happens at lightning pace, and anyone who knows what’s going on can’t stop laughing long enough to explain it to the viewer.  All valid statements.  Now add scantily clad Latinas and you’ve got yourself Mexican television!

Ahhh … Telemundo!  Where a Saved by the Bell – style show like La Escuelita VIP features male students in their ’50s (one is always inexplicably dresses as a sailor holding a lolly-pop and another in a Luchador wrestling mask) and female high schoolers in their ’20s in various stages of undress. Women battle men in La Guerra de los Sexos, a gameshow that features mud wrestling, handfuls of snakes and an unusually high tolerance for pain. Brozo the Clown is considered a top journalist and respected athletes wear colorful masks.

Once, my wife, Red, in a need to understand the light and sound turned on the Spanish SAP (second audio program) on our TV and couldn’t figure out how to turn it off.  Everything became Spanish for a month; which turned out to be muy bien in the long run, but didn’t help me understand Telemundo one bit.

Brozo the Clown challenging political corruption from his anchor desk.

An artist's rendering of champion wrestler, Alejandro Muñoz Moreno, better known as the "Blue Demon."

Some of the "kids' from La Escuelita VIP.

I am a geek.  You, our one fan, are a geek.  Wear that badge boldly in this Golden Age of Dorkiness!  That being said – and with all respect, some people geek out on stuff I forgot even existed!

What do you get when you simmer a stew out of pop culture ingredients like Dungeons & Dragons, Star Wars, Planet of the Apes, and Conan?  If it’s 1980, you get Thundarr the Barbarian!

Let me set the scene in case you’ve forgotten: “The year, 1994. From out of space, comes a runaway planet, hurtling between the Earth and the moon, unleashing cosmic destruction. Man’s civilization is cast in ruin. Two thousand years later, Earth is reborn. A strange new world rises from the old. A world of savagery, super-science, and sorcery. But one man bursts his bonds to fight for justice. With his companions, Ookla the Mok and Princess Ariel, he pits his strength, his courage, and his fabulous Sunsword, against the forces of evil. He is Thundarr, the Barbarian!”

I love a “fabulous Sunsword” as much as the next guy, and I’m all for He-Man dressed as Barney Rubble! Heck, in my darker moments I can even get behind what appears to be, a horse/bear hybrid riding another, less fortunate, horse/bear hybrid, but I don’t follow ‘em on Facebook!  And I certainly didn’t know that 10,831 other geeks had signed an online petition to have AOL Time Warner and Cartoon Network release the show’s 21 episodes on DVD.

Let Ookla the Mok carry your freak flag to victory my brothers and sister (there’s got to be at least one woman in there somewhere), but don’t be surprised if the Jem and the Holograms lobby steals your glory if this thing spirals into a cable news item.

Frequent thedailyjim.com contributor, Billy D. called late-night, as he sometimes does.  “Duke (I have no idea why he calls me that, but he always does.)! Duke, we’ve got a supervillain problem.  Do you think that cat lady thief in New York City and that dude who dresses as Darth Vader to rob banks have the same boss?”

“What, at like Wal-mart?  That would explain why they don’t have great costumes and …”

“No you idiot,”  He interrupted.  “Do you think they’re part of some sort of syndicate of evil?”

“Are you asking my if I think the guys who battled the Superfriends … if I think the Legion of Doom is real? Of course I do.  I just think they need a better PR machine.”

“Good!  This real world superhero thing is out of hand!  There must be checks and balances Duke!  What’s a hero without an appropriate villain?  I’ll tell you what.  A whack-o in spandex, that’s what.”  Then he hung up the phone.

I assumed Billy D. was referring to the growing prevalence of the Real Life Superhero Project that registers and provides support for citizen vigilantes.  Several heroes just appeared as recruiters during this year’s Foo Fest right here in Providence.

Now, nobody likes street crime, except street criminals.  So supervillains would have to step up their game (quit it with the muggings and shootings you dopes!) and their theatricality -calling cards; little puzzles for crime-fighters to solve, moving them one step closer to apprehending these daring scoundrels.  None of this online “crime” either!  Supercriminals get off their butts and mix it up with good guys!  They don’t live with their mom because the rent is free and Monday is meatloaf night. No.  They live in poorly lit, but lavishly decorated secret lairs.

An over-the-top evil union of costumed desperadoes would not only provide nemeses for heroes but also make the morning paper more fun to read.  “The Wretched  Diamond Cutter has Struck Again!” “The Scorpion Brothers Foiled by Madame Midnight!”

I hate to say it but … Billy D. is right.  Regular criminals have run-ins with regular cops. These crooks need to give up crime and get a job at Game Stop or really commit to the lifestyle.  If people are going to get all gussied up then throw the word “super” in front of “hero” they should be prepared for the A game of evil, not some jerk doing 40 in a 35.  I appreciate their efforts, really, but let’s see how they do against robot spiders or mad scientists.

As evidenced by The Flintstones, guys have always needed a place to get away from the pressures of work and family, to drink a big mug of cactus juice, play a little rocknasta with Sam Slagheap and the boys while plotting the demise of their mothers-in-law.  Fred and Barney favored the Loyal Order of Water Buffalo, but it didn’t stop there.  The men’s social club has had a long tradition, with generally predictable results.

From their boys only clubhouse, Spanky and Alfalfa started the He-man Woman Haters Club.  It was volatile name, that Alfalfa quickly learned to regret after Darla gave him the cold shoulder to cuddle up to Waldo (not rascally at all), who admitted to actually liking women. The club was folded shortly after (before the introduction of mothers-in-law as comedic fodder).

Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton (No, not that one.  We’ll talk about Tyler Durden later.) were members in good standing at the Raccoon Lodge located somewhere in the wilds of Brooklyn.  There they drank, bowled, wore awesome jackets and coon-skin caps, and discussed the various ways to painfully dispatch their mothers-in-law.

Howard Cunningham’s only break from doling out wisdom to Richie and The Fonz was when he served as the Grand Poobah of  Milwaukee’s Leopard Lodge No. 462.  They we’re pretty tame with the exception of their national conventions where tassel adorned burlesque dancers were a fixture. No jackets, but snazzy leopard print fez-style hats.  We assume the mother-in-law jokes were reserved for off camera (it was a family show).

They might have been Married with Children, but the fellas in No Ma’am (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood) essentially watched porn and plotted against, not only their mothers-in-law, but also the wives and kids.  Occasionally, they’ d get drunk and take field trips to either the bowling alley or the bathroom.

Over in Springfield, USA, the town’s men took refuge in the masonic-like Sacred Order of Stonecutters.  Their roster boasted Mayor Quimby, both Carl AND Lenny, an alien, Steve Guttenberg, and a guy from the Egg Council.  They had bigger aspirations than mother-in-law jokes, until Homer screwed it up by initiating colobus monkeys into the club.

Finally we come to the dream that was Tyler Durden’s Fight Club.  An idea so simple and far reaching it could only have been conceived by a split-personality insomniac.  Not interested in gin rummy, bowling, or mothers-in-law, this social club, ironically, sought the end of society. Eventually, internal fighting (literal id/ego conflict) and Meatloaf getting killed brought about an end to the group, although underground factions are said to still thrive.

So, there it is.  Man at his best and worst still needs the company of other dudes to drink with, goof on, dress weirdly among, compare varieties of mother-in-law to, sometimes punch in the mouth, and watch action movies with ( NOTE: The Expendables opens Friday, August 13th opposite Eat, Pray, Love.  Try calling that one a coincidence!).

“Ack, ack, a-dak.  Dak, dak, a-ack.”  Thank you Brother Flintstone.

Sure the nausea of a roller coaster or a trip down a wedgie producing water slide sound refreshing in the heat of summer, but no one’s really come up with an amusement park that connects with me as a zombie hunter.  Until now!  Pack up the family and your arsenal and head over to Taiwan’s Janfusun Fancyworld. Turns out that the Taiwanese are the first to figured out the critical ingredient in creating a zombie and monster based theme park.  Violence.

Visitors encounter a terrifying vampire at Janfusun Fancyworld's Horrorwood.

In the Horrorwood section of Fancyworld (which hasn’t even been open a month), park visitors have been physically assaulting employees dressed as zombies and other scaries because of their realistic appearance.  That’s right.

“We put up a notice warning visitors not to hit staff members who play ghosts, and ask them to leave hard objects like umbrellas and water bottles at the entrance to the horror house,” one park official, who asked not to be named, told the German Press Agency dpa.

I say pay the ghouls time-and-a-half, throw some hockey pads on ‘em and let the rest of us practice for the pending zombpocalypse.