We’ve been dropping the ball quite a bit over the past few months while on hiatus. We missed that humongous kraken the Chinese found washed up on the beach. We failed to report that Aquaman, as well as all of the funnybooks published by DC Comics are starting over again, hopefully giving the King of the Seas a little more street cred.  We watched in silent horror as The Burt Reynolds and Friends Museum almost closed it’s doors for good. We mourned the death of Columbo, but failed to share it with our readership. We even kept our mouths shut when the CDC announced that it was prepping for zombie attacks! But no more!

We admit to all of our shortcomings, but we couldn’t let the 36th Anniversary of Jaws pass without comment.  As of Tuesday, July 5th we’re back to producing a daily fix of unpopular culture for you, our one reader. As a symbol of our love and revived devotion, please accept this picture of Robocop riding a unicorn that we found while looking for … ummm… pictures of Robocop riding a unicorn.  I wish we knew the artist, I’d hire him to paint a mural on every wall in my house!

Now go enjoy your freedom! Eat a hot dog, drink a beer, and tell your friends about us.  See you Tuesday.

 

Ol’ Doc Connell says I’m wasting my time worrying about zombies.  He claims now that we have zombie sitcoms, zombie 5k’s, and zombie convenience store snacks we have nothing to fear from the undead other than market saturation.

Instead, Doc insists we should be concerned about the zombies of the future – androids.  Now, just because we MIGHT have gotten a cease and desist letter for rightfully asserting that Betty White MIGHT be a age-defying Terminator, doesn’t mean it’s not a daily topic of conversation in our office.  Androids, particularly when shaped like former governors are elderly comedians are a menace, no doubt.  Doc, however, is haunted by the darkest android of all -Vicki from Small Wonder.

Ha! No. Joke.  Ol’ Doc Connell is actually terrified of  The Borg, the soul sucking alien, robot, human assimilation Frankensteins from Star Trek: The Next Generation that simply want to make more Borg. I started to explain to Doc that Borg are technically cyborgs, but he’s not a real doctor, so I stopped and let him continue being frightened.

He’s got a point, though.  Human parts used by the Borg are dead, but they’re retrofitted with lasers, spinny things, and usually a fashionable metal hat of some kind. That makes them android zombies. It’s like the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup or my nightmares. Two horrifying things that are great together.  Welcome to the future of cross promotional paranoia!

As we’ve been known to note, we’re obsessed with Liz Lemon from 30 Rock.  But it seems we’re not alone.  Thanks to our publishing letters and haiku from “Lemon Squeezer” about his creepy crush, we’re getting more mail than ever regarding the spectacled princess of pop culture.  Our own Bella La Lovely has even stepped forward during, what we assume was, a night of drinking coupled with a cable outage.

To whoever is in charge,

Long before Liz Lemon was a twinkle in Tina Fey’s eye, I was wearing bathing suites as underwear substitutes during laundry lulls, enjoying a love for hard cheeses, and drinking white wine/Sprite/ice combos (what Liz Lemon calls “funky juice”). Although I don’t keep a gallon of funky juice next to my toilet, the parallels between Liz Lemon’s and my life are uncanny and can no longer be ignored.

I don’t know how or why, but the character of Liz Lemon has been created as a parody of my life. The cagey writers on 30 Rock have somehow implanted a spy to garner the most intimate details of my life and have used my personal dysfunction as a basis for Lemon’s neuroses.

Under other circumstances, a character patterned after one’s life may be seen as a compliment; however, in this situation, Liz Lemon’s insanity shines an ignorable light on the madness that is my life.

Therefore, it is with great sincerity and self-awareness that I make a plea to the 30 Rock writing staff; please stop stealing my life. With humility I admit that it would be easier for me to rationalize my maladaptive behavior without Liz Lemon as a mirror to my lunacy.

By the way, for all of you out there who are interested in trying the combination of white wine, Sprite and ice, a lovely boxed wine makes a fabulous, economical funky juice. I recommend Franzia, which has an easy-to-use spout, stores nicely in any refrigerator, and remains fresh for up to 6 weeks.

Yours in … Why are you making me write this in letter form?… Aww, forget it,

Bella La Lovely

Poor John Travolta takes a lot of heat for Scientology, his questionable film choices, and even more questionable acting.  But this week some dope followed him to Hawaii and snapped a picture of him without his damn toupee.  It’s insulting!  Not because the guy’s on vacation with his lady and his beautiful cleft chin, but because his hair is a treasure of our collective consciousness!  Brothers and sisters, I submit, that while ol’ Johnny T’s locks are a study in follicle confusion, without them we wouldn’t know what decade we’re in.

Bear with me on this one… by understanding that each time period has it’s own fashions, trends, and hair-styles, we can look at John Travolta’s hair in ANY film as representative of the end of that era. Let’s s start at the beginning.

The Boy in the Plastic Bubble (1976)

Ahhh, 1976.  Broadway Joe Namath’s final season with the Jets and he had already cut his hair.  But Barbarino’s curly pre-mullet was still on every kid in the country from the Bad News Bears to Jodie Foster. Watch him in Carrie if you don’t believe me.

Staying Alive (1983)

If Disco didn’t die before Saturday Night Fever saw the light of day in 1977, Sylvester Stallone sealed its fate by writing and directing this early Eighties follow-up.  Also, forcing Johnny T to turn to a slim headband to manage his un-styled locks.

The Experts (1989)

Okay. Travolta’s super-mullet is so indicative of the late ’80s it’s almost worth watching this turd about Russian spies infiltrating the American suburbs. I know… turd.

Pulp Fiction (1994)

We’re gonna catch some flack for this one, but most guys in ’94/’95 had the “long, even, slick-back” because of Vincent Vega, not the other way around. Just get yourself a Royale with Cheese and accept that as gospel.

Michael (1996)

Yep.  Michael was released just weeks before Eddie Vedder cut his hair and un-cooled the whole look with a scissor snip.

Swordfish (2001)

Vega’s hair is a little more manicured, but the real story here is the soul patch/fancy eyebrow combo.

From Paris with Love (2010)

Is it weird that I know he’s got no hair, but I still think he’s wearing a bald cap?  Note the goatee/bald pairing ending the decade.

Taking of the Pelham 123 (2010)

As we understand it, this is pretty close to Johnny T’s natural state up top, but his ironic mustache here came on the final edge of the trend just before all the skinny kids in Brooklyn started growin’ mountain man beards.

Fight his religion if you like, but respect his damn hair for the time capsule it is!!

Nobody worries about the Mole Men any more.  There was a time, when Japan was going through their giant fire breathing lizard dilemma, all of America was bracing for the attack of the Mole Men.  Then it kinda’ went underground (Sorry. Not funny.).  Our country moved on to concern itself with a variety of other threats in the interim: aliens, super-spies, world ending meteors, terminators, smooth chested wolf-men, and zombies.  But where are the Mole Men?

I have so many questions.  Where have you been for fifty years?  What’s the story with alligators in the New York City Subway?  Are you characters keeping them as pets or food? Are there Mole Ladies? How does one become a Mole Man? Is there hazing like in a college fraternity? I picture your tunnels like an ant farm down there.  Is that pretty accurate? Do you guys have a website, or something, where I can locate my nearest subterranean lair? If you come to the surface, do you need just regular sunglasses, or the humongous ones my nana wore after her cataract surgery?

Due to my curiosity, I say we befriend our shy, near-sighted, Earth-digging, dirty brothers.  If for no other reason than keeping the lava creatures off our backs, I think we should pay ‘em a little gratitude.   Hey Mole Men, drinks are on our corporate card next time you’re tunneling below Providence.

We do a truckload of talking on this site about super villains and evil geniuses.  Lex Luthor gets a lot of ink, so do Darth Vader, and Avon Barksdale, even freakin’ Cobra Commander gets some attention.  On the surface, the Hamburglar would seem a laughable addition to this list of notable troublemakers.  We’ve mentioned his hijinks only in passing as a sad byproduct of corrupt McDonaldland politics (If the Clown is in charge, as his last name suggests, why does Ronald need Mayor McCheese?).  But I submit to you that the Hamburglar is in fact worthy of felonious praise.  Truth be told, he might be running the whole show.

Think about it.  No one takes him seriously.  He always gets caught, but never does any prison time.  He wears an outlandish costume that draws attention to him rather then trying to blend in with McDonald’s patrons. He speaks in some sort of gibberish that annoys and befuddles his captors…. I’m just gonna say it.  The Hamburglar is Keyser Soze.

Re-watch The Usual Suspects if you have to.  Anyone who tells you that they knew Verbal Kint would turn out an to be an alias for legendary criminal mastermind Keyser Soze is lying to your face!  He’s weak, annoying, and foolish. He’s the storm you didn’t see coming. He’s your overconfidence. He’s the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled. He’s…the Hamburglar. And he’s hiding in plain sight.

Now, you could claim that this is just one whacko theory out of hundreds. No one could possibly be puppeteering all crime.  He’s “a myth, a spook story criminals tell their kids at night. ‘Rat on your pop, and Keyeser Soze will get you.’  And no one ever really believes.”  So when he’s finally publically outed, we’re takin’ ALL the credit.  Just like Tim Russert. Hamburglar, Hamburglar, Hamburglar!

Sons and daughters of Nerd-dom, I type this as The CW network announces The Awakening, a show from the production house responsible for Ugly Betty about a pair of zombie fighting sisters.  Now, I’m all for sisters fighting zombies – in fact, I’d encourage family unity during the Zombpocalypse.  Which is why we must now unite under the collective banner of our own dorkiness.

Let me remind you that while we have been highly caffeinated in our parents’ basements patching our over worn cosplay costumes and writing Firefly fan-fiction, Broadway is currently sucking the life from Spider-Man. Hollywood has over-run Comic-Con.  Entourage has reminded the cool kids who Aquaman is.  Stephenie Meyer has humanized vampires – fine, no on cares about sissy vampires – but then she shaved the chests of our wolf-men!  Our wolf-men!  If we let The CW take our zombies we’ll have nothing left!

Now, we all enjoyed what AMC did with The Walking Dead this fall as television’s first zombie show (I’ve got the bite marks to prove it. Ok. Kind of gross. Sorry.), but The CW is looking to Gossip Girl this thing and manipulate our zombies into selling Justin Bieber downloads and Subway sandwiches. This cannot stand unaddressed.

Denis Leary once joked that if the meek should truly inherit the Earth, it wouldn’t matter because … well, “they’re a bunch of meeks. We’ll kick their asses and take it back.”  I say to you, in all sincerity, if the meek should inherit the zombies, who will stop them from eating us?

XOXO

I can’t believe I just made a Gossip Girl joke.  Please disregard all of the above.

It’s grueling to be forced to analyze pop-culture all the time.  It gives us more questions than answers to some of our society’s most pressing issues.  Also, it prevents us from talking to girls.

Is radioactive material a tool that gives us Spider-Men, Hulks, and Godzillas, as we all hoped, or merely here to create opportunities for Jack Bauer to save our collective ass from stupid nuclear winter?

Will new advances in medical science create evil fighting super soldiers and loveably cranky mutants or a just a terrifying zombie plague that will doom the Earth to several generations of horror?

Can we really rebuild a guy for six million bucks and expect him to do the government’s bidding out of obligation and a sense of right or are we setting ourselves up for a Terminator problem? I mean, from a cost-benefit analysis, Robocop was kind of a cluster f.

In order for governments to unite globally and eventually universally, creating a United Federation of Planets, will we have to go through some sort of Red Dawn scenario? Because, I like intergalactic space travel, but I’m not great with drinking deer blood or driving Soviet tanks.

Are we giving aliens a bad rap (that E.T. wasn’t so bad)? Or are the Predators coming to punish us because no one is showing ALF and 3^rd Rock from the Sun re-runs anymore?

The Daily Jim has a long history or workplace battles.  Most of them involve the best way to dispatch a zombie or get thrown out of a publicity event. When it comes to movies however, we get pretty brutal.  Action Man doesn’t understand American comedies because there aren’t enough groin hits;  I can’t figure out Angelina Jolie for the life of me; and Billy D. just yells at our intern, Ben, anytime he offers an opinion.  Amid the chaos, however, Bella La Lovely has been taking notes.  She’s our witness.  And during our latest battle of most overlooked hilarious movies she complied the following list of idiocy to balance off Oscar madness.  Press your freakin’ tuxedo t-shirts kids.

THE UNDERRATED

As the entertainment industry gears up for Oscar season, we at the Daily Jim decided to search the bowels of our movie library (namely Jimmy’s Netflix account) to share our favorite underrated movies. These may not be the best movies you’ll ever see, but they’re well worth a spot in your Netflix queue.

For best underrated comedies, the nominations are…

The Amateurs

Picture it: You’re a middle-age father with big dreams and no money. What do you do to impress your son? Two words—amateur porn. Starring True Grit’s, Jeff Bridges, The Amateurs is a fun, quirky film that’s great Friday night entertainment.

The King of California

If Gordon Gecko had a not-so-evil twin, it would be Charlie, a recently released mental patient who believes Costco is a Mecca for economy-sized consumer products and Spanish gold.

In addition to being a great movie, the King of California provides nuggets of might-be-true trivia. For example, did you know that California got its name from a 16^th century Spanish writer? In the words of Charlie, “Don’t believe it? Look it up.” (If you do look it up, let us know if it is true. We’re really not sure.)

A Mighty Wind

“The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and…”

If you recognize this This is Spinal Tap quote, check out A Mighty Wind. Directed by Christopher Guest, A Mighty Wind is a mockumentary about long-forgotten folk musicians who come together for a reunion concert. The film features an all-star cast including Eugene Levy, Fred Willard, Catherine O’Hara, Jane Lynch (a Daily Jim staff favorite), and Michael McKean, just to name a few.

This is a much better representation of ensemble music than a chick with a flute at band camp.

OUR HONORABLE MENTIONS

The Daily Jim staff was not able to agree on the merits of several movies, so after heated debate, a filibuster, and 2 restraining orders, we decided to include an honorable mention category. We also agreed on mandatory anger management training for Billy D.

Bowfinger

Starring Steve Martin, Eddy Murphy, and Heather Graham, Bowfinger chronicles a down-and-out filmmaker (Martin) who tries to resuscitate his career by making a sci-fi thriller starring Hollywood action star Kit Ramsey (Murphy). The twist—Ramsey doesn’t know he’s in the film. Needless to say, hijinks ensue. Described by MediaCircus as a delightful tour-de-farce, this film is well worth the $2.99 at your local Blockbuster.

Nothing to Lose

In Shawshank Redemption, Tim Robbins catches his wife cheating and ends up in an abusive relationship with the Sisters. In Nothing to Lose, Robbins catches his wife cheating and ends up a carjacking victim turned criminal. Moral of the story—unhappy wife, unhappy life.

Martin Lawrence co-stars. Big Momma Three aside, Lawrence is a funny addition to any movie. He makes you want to yell MART-IN!

Zoolander

Model-turned-coal-miner-turned-model Derek Zoolander is so stupid it’s funny, really funny. Starring Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell, and Jerry Stiller (another Daily Jim staff favorite), Zoolander will leave you singing, “Relax don’t do it when you want to go to it…”

Where else can you see a Billy Zane cameo and a “freak gasoline-fight accident?”