To commemorate the beginning of the school year, we at thedailyjim.com have looked into our collective past to see how lack of education hasn’t affected some of our favorite television characters one bit.

Charles “Pa” Ingalls had little formal education, but he sure could play that fiddle.  In fact less classroom time meant he could learn all the things the bookworms only read about.  The guy built a little house on the prairie, milled wood, served for a time as a dynamite monkey, delivered various mammalian babies, both human and farm animal, taught himself to read, could tie a necktie, drop a rap on the ladies, and was considered a wise Walnut Grove elder while barely 40.  I have no idea why two of his kids became teachers.

Life was pretty nutty for the Tate family, but their butler, Benson DuBois, tried to keep a level head.  Just before Soap was cancelled and the unemployed Tate’s (including Richard Mulligan, Katherine Helmond, and Billy Crystal) were exhalted as comedy royalty, ol’ Benson moved to the Governor’s mansion.  There, he moved quickly from picking up the Governor’s undies to serving as his Lieutenant, then running against him for the big seat in the series cliffhanger.  If only Kraus, the Governor’s German cook, had that kind of luck.

Okay, Rachel Green was kind of whiny, but man, was her soup hot.  Getting a haircut named after you isn’t that hard, ask Darrell Mullet, but for Ms. Green it was only the starting block.  From admittedly horrible barista to Ralph Lauren Polo executive in under a decade is pretty impressive even if you’re working your way through an MBA.  The thing is, she didn’t.  Never once did this Friend go to a leadership seminar or audit a college fashion class.  She just excelled in making bad life choices and karma took the ’90s off.

Hugo Reyes, the man known as Hurley is the television embodiment of slacker.  He’s unmotivated and tree-slothy.  Even his millions turned to misery.  How then, was this vision of moppishness vaulted to the position of last line of defense for humanity?  We have no idea, but Hurley seemed to keep the lid on the eternal battle between good and evil until Lost came to an end last season.  No word on who manning the store now, though.

Now anyone can shoot at some food and hit a pocket of oil making them a millionaire like The Beverly Hillbillies’ Jed Clampet (that’s kind of our country’s motto), but these individuals are proof positive that the world is unjust and that many of us paid too much for college.  I’d like to get a piece of my high school guidance counselor just once and stick his ass on an island with a smoke monster…

There has been talk for years about the escalating craziness of Japanese television.  People get injured on a regular basis, there are a ton of zany costumes, everything happens at lightning pace, and anyone who knows what’s going on can’t stop laughing long enough to explain it to the viewer.  All valid statements.  Now add scantily clad Latinas and you’ve got yourself Mexican television!

Ahhh … Telemundo!  Where a Saved by the Bell – style show like La Escuelita VIP features male students in their ’50s (one is always inexplicably dresses as a sailor holding a lolly-pop and another in a Luchador wrestling mask) and female high schoolers in their ’20s in various stages of undress. Women battle men in La Guerra de los Sexos, a gameshow that features mud wrestling, handfuls of snakes and an unusually high tolerance for pain. Brozo the Clown is considered a top journalist and respected athletes wear colorful masks.

Once, my wife, Red, in a need to understand the light and sound turned on the Spanish SAP (second audio program) on our TV and couldn’t figure out how to turn it off.  Everything became Spanish for a month; which turned out to be muy bien in the long run, but didn’t help me understand Telemundo one bit.

Brozo the Clown challenging political corruption from his anchor desk.

An artist's rendering of champion wrestler, Alejandro Muñoz Moreno, better known as the "Blue Demon."

Some of the "kids' from La Escuelita VIP.

I am a geek.  You, our one fan, are a geek.  Wear that badge boldly in this Golden Age of Dorkiness!  That being said – and with all respect, some people geek out on stuff I forgot even existed!

What do you get when you simmer a stew out of pop culture ingredients like Dungeons & Dragons, Star Wars, Planet of the Apes, and Conan?  If it’s 1980, you get Thundarr the Barbarian!

Let me set the scene in case you’ve forgotten: “The year, 1994. From out of space, comes a runaway planet, hurtling between the Earth and the moon, unleashing cosmic destruction. Man’s civilization is cast in ruin. Two thousand years later, Earth is reborn. A strange new world rises from the old. A world of savagery, super-science, and sorcery. But one man bursts his bonds to fight for justice. With his companions, Ookla the Mok and Princess Ariel, he pits his strength, his courage, and his fabulous Sunsword, against the forces of evil. He is Thundarr, the Barbarian!”

I love a “fabulous Sunsword” as much as the next guy, and I’m all for He-Man dressed as Barney Rubble! Heck, in my darker moments I can even get behind what appears to be, a horse/bear hybrid riding another, less fortunate, horse/bear hybrid, but I don’t follow ‘em on Facebook!  And I certainly didn’t know that 10,831 other geeks had signed an online petition to have AOL Time Warner and Cartoon Network release the show’s 21 episodes on DVD.

Let Ookla the Mok carry your freak flag to victory my brothers and sister (there’s got to be at least one woman in there somewhere), but don’t be surprised if the Jem and the Holograms lobby steals your glory if this thing spirals into a cable news item.

Frequent thedailyjim.com contributor, Billy D. called late-night, as he sometimes does.  “Duke (I have no idea why he calls me that, but he always does.)! Duke, we’ve got a supervillain problem.  Do you think that cat lady thief in New York City and that dude who dresses as Darth Vader to rob banks have the same boss?”

“What, at like Wal-mart?  That would explain why they don’t have great costumes and …”

“No you idiot,”  He interrupted.  “Do you think they’re part of some sort of syndicate of evil?”

“Are you asking my if I think the guys who battled the Superfriends … if I think the Legion of Doom is real? Of course I do.  I just think they need a better PR machine.”

“Good!  This real world superhero thing is out of hand!  There must be checks and balances Duke!  What’s a hero without an appropriate villain?  I’ll tell you what.  A whack-o in spandex, that’s what.”  Then he hung up the phone.

I assumed Billy D. was referring to the growing prevalence of the Real Life Superhero Project that registers and provides support for citizen vigilantes.  Several heroes just appeared as recruiters during this year’s Foo Fest right here in Providence.

Now, nobody likes street crime, except street criminals.  So supervillains would have to step up their game (quit it with the muggings and shootings you dopes!) and their theatricality -calling cards; little puzzles for crime-fighters to solve, moving them one step closer to apprehending these daring scoundrels.  None of this online “crime” either!  Supercriminals get off their butts and mix it up with good guys!  They don’t live with their mom because the rent is free and Monday is meatloaf night. No.  They live in poorly lit, but lavishly decorated secret lairs.

An over-the-top evil union of costumed desperadoes would not only provide nemeses for heroes but also make the morning paper more fun to read.  “The Wretched  Diamond Cutter has Struck Again!” “The Scorpion Brothers Foiled by Madame Midnight!”

I hate to say it but … Billy D. is right.  Regular criminals have run-ins with regular cops. These crooks need to give up crime and get a job at Game Stop or really commit to the lifestyle.  If people are going to get all gussied up then throw the word “super” in front of “hero” they should be prepared for the A game of evil, not some jerk doing 40 in a 35.  I appreciate their efforts, really, but let’s see how they do against robot spiders or mad scientists.

As evidenced by The Flintstones, guys have always needed a place to get away from the pressures of work and family, to drink a big mug of cactus juice, play a little rocknasta with Sam Slagheap and the boys while plotting the demise of their mothers-in-law.  Fred and Barney favored the Loyal Order of Water Buffalo, but it didn’t stop there.  The men’s social club has had a long tradition, with generally predictable results.

From their boys only clubhouse, Spanky and Alfalfa started the He-man Woman Haters Club.  It was volatile name, that Alfalfa quickly learned to regret after Darla gave him the cold shoulder to cuddle up to Waldo (not rascally at all), who admitted to actually liking women. The club was folded shortly after (before the introduction of mothers-in-law as comedic fodder).

Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton (No, not that one.  We’ll talk about Tyler Durden later.) were members in good standing at the Raccoon Lodge located somewhere in the wilds of Brooklyn.  There they drank, bowled, wore awesome jackets and coon-skin caps, and discussed the various ways to painfully dispatch their mothers-in-law.

Howard Cunningham’s only break from doling out wisdom to Richie and The Fonz was when he served as the Grand Poobah of  Milwaukee’s Leopard Lodge No. 462.  They we’re pretty tame with the exception of their national conventions where tassel adorned burlesque dancers were a fixture. No jackets, but snazzy leopard print fez-style hats.  We assume the mother-in-law jokes were reserved for off camera (it was a family show).

They might have been Married with Children, but the fellas in No Ma’am (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood) essentially watched porn and plotted against, not only their mothers-in-law, but also the wives and kids.  Occasionally, they’ d get drunk and take field trips to either the bowling alley or the bathroom.

Over in Springfield, USA, the town’s men took refuge in the masonic-like Sacred Order of Stonecutters.  Their roster boasted Mayor Quimby, both Carl AND Lenny, an alien, Steve Guttenberg, and a guy from the Egg Council.  They had bigger aspirations than mother-in-law jokes, until Homer screwed it up by initiating colobus monkeys into the club.

Finally we come to the dream that was Tyler Durden’s Fight Club.  An idea so simple and far reaching it could only have been conceived by a split-personality insomniac.  Not interested in gin rummy, bowling, or mothers-in-law, this social club, ironically, sought the end of society. Eventually, internal fighting (literal id/ego conflict) and Meatloaf getting killed brought about an end to the group, although underground factions are said to still thrive.

So, there it is.  Man at his best and worst still needs the company of other dudes to drink with, goof on, dress weirdly among, compare varieties of mother-in-law to, sometimes punch in the mouth, and watch action movies with ( NOTE: The Expendables opens Friday, August 13th opposite Eat, Pray, Love.  Try calling that one a coincidence!).

“Ack, ack, a-dak.  Dak, dak, a-ack.”  Thank you Brother Flintstone.

Sure the nausea of a roller coaster or a trip down a wedgie producing water slide sound refreshing in the heat of summer, but no one’s really come up with an amusement park that connects with me as a zombie hunter.  Until now!  Pack up the family and your arsenal and head over to Taiwan’s Janfusun Fancyworld. Turns out that the Taiwanese are the first to figured out the critical ingredient in creating a zombie and monster based theme park.  Violence.

Visitors encounter a terrifying vampire at Janfusun Fancyworld's Horrorwood.

In the Horrorwood section of Fancyworld (which hasn’t even been open a month), park visitors have been physically assaulting employees dressed as zombies and other scaries because of their realistic appearance.  That’s right.

“We put up a notice warning visitors not to hit staff members who play ghosts, and ask them to leave hard objects like umbrellas and water bottles at the entrance to the horror house,” one park official, who asked not to be named, told the German Press Agency dpa.

I say pay the ghouls time-and-a-half, throw some hockey pads on ‘em and let the rest of us practice for the pending zombpocalypse.

Growing up in the ’80s meant two things: knowing all the words to Home Sweet Home, and hating these guys-

The Conniver

The Bully

But who is the bigger jackwagon?  We’ll give you the Tale of the Tape so you can make your own decision.

Actor, William Atherton has a weasel factor of  9 (incidentally, an actual weasel only hits a high 7).  He played some of the most loathsome minor antagonists of a generation, always distracting or complicating the lives of our heroes so they were tempted to lose focus on the actual bad guy.

As EPA agent, Walter Peck he demanded that the Ghostbusters’ containment device be shut down.  “What is the ‘magic word’ Mr. Venkman?”

In Real Genius (an often overlooked classic), his Professor Hathaway was secretly scheming to sell Val Kilmer’s laser research to the military.

Bonnie Bedelia wouldn’t have had a purpose in Die Hard 2: Die Harder (I love writing that) if they hadn’t brought back the character of Richard Thornburg to stick a monkey in her wrench.

William Zabka might be able to order a pizza without spit in it these days, but in the ’80s passive aggressive victories were the only ones dorks could get with this jerk keeping us down!  This essential teenage villain made an art out of  bullying for most of our childhood.

As Chas in Back to School he made life Hell for Rodney Dangerfield’s kid as well as a chemically imbalanced Robert Downey Jr.

He played the misogynistic boyfriend, Greg Tolan in Just One of the Guys.  This forced his super smart girlfriend to pretend to be a dude just to get some respect.

And finally – Johnny “I swept the leg on a kid who was half my size” Lawrence from the Karate Kid.  That guy deserves either his own article or a punch in the mouth.

We understand this is a tough bought, but we trust you, our one reader, to break the tie in our office.  Feel free to provide other contenders from ’80s movies who might qualify as a humongous jackass.

As Shark Week has gained momentum over the years The Discovery Channel has had several creative marketing ideas to hype it up:

The Shark Week Rickshaw

A Passenger Eating Shark Week Bus

And a Shark Bitten Car

Very Cool. But, we’ve always been more interested on what regular weirdos like us are doing for public shark art.

Street artist, Kapo sharked up this Madrid subway ventilation shaft.

A guy in Cardiff-by-the-Sea, California illegally encased this local monument with shark overnight.

Uhmmm... This French woman hung herself from fish hooks in the window of Lush to protest sharks? Or fishing for shark? Or Painting Parisians like sharks? Whatever it was, those are real freakin' hooks!

Jaws 3-D gets a bad rap!  Sharks attacking Sea World is actually a pretty awesome idea.  Trapping an angry Louis Gossett Jr. in a glass, underwater control room and watching him Hulk out is even better.  Satcking a pre Back to the Future Lea Thompson on top of a water skiing pyramid sweetens the pot.  Add a post Breaking Away Dennis Quaid as Mike, the oldest son of Chief “you’re gonna need a bigger boat” Brody and you’ve got the makings of a pretty watchable popcorn movie.  Now, throw that whole thing in 1983, migraine inducing 3-D and freakin’ Avatar can go take a flying leap.

The imcomparable, Lou Gossett, just prior to a shark induced berzerker rage.

There’s really no down side.  It’s not derivative like Jaws 2 or flat out weird like Jaws 4(sharks with lion roars and a Hatfield vs. McCoy style long standing grudge against any Brody that swims or floats on their turf). Unfortunately you can’t watch it in 3-D anymore, but they left in all the long shots of skeletons pointing into the camera and dolphins attempting to break the fourth wall and click-clack directly with the audience.

It’s a Shark Week Classic!  As is this little Thursday bonus:

About six months ago Stephen Taubman at staubman.com posted a chart he worked up after seeing Debbie Gibson’s Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus (not to be confused with her yet to be completed, Mega-Shark vs. Gatoroid).  We’ve been holding on to it, just waiting for Shark Week!  I hope he does one that runs the stats on Debbie Gibson vs. Tiffany! You can see the poster in a larger image by clicking the link above.

August 4, 2010

Mike Rowe (or whoever is in charge down there)
Discovery Communications
850 3rd Avenue
New York, NY 10022-7256

Dear Mike,

As you know Hudsucker Industries has recently acquired Discovery Communications and its networks.  It’s our first venture into entertainment, so we’re relying on your expertise to agree with our ideas – We bought the damn thing for the Oprah Channel, but they insisted we take it all.  Anyway … we know you’re in the middle of Shark Week, but the boys in our think tank are insistent that you’re missing at least four dandy shark related opportunities.  Feel free to add as much “discovery” as you think  is necessary (just run it by OUR creative team first).

1.  You should bring in Jaws from those James Bond movies.

He has the same name as that movie about the sharks, besides, kids love the 007 films.  I remember him from Cannonball Run 2, he looked like he was still in pretty good shape. Maybe he can try to out-bite a shark or something. Or you could follow him around on that Dirty Jobs show my driver watches – he could bite random strangers.

2.  Purchase the rights to Jabberjaw (That’s still a thing, right? I honestly don’t watch too much TV since they canceled The Art of Being Nick, that spin-off of Family Ties with Mallory’s dopey but lovable boyfriend.)

Who doesn’t love a cartoon SCUBA band with a wacky animal on percussion.  AND he’s a shark.  You see, it’s irony, because he’s friendly and only has like five teeth.  As I remember it, there’s quite a bit of music and fun. Maybe your crews from that Deadliest Catch program could start a Jabberjaw themed band.

3.  Air West Side Story on loop for a whole day.

This one’s a guaranteed winner!  My wife loves this thing with all the dancing and hugging.  It’s got a band of  Latin toughs called “The Sharks” (get it?).  We just bought The Jets NFL team so getting the rights shouldn’t be that hard.

4.  We literally have Fonzie jump another shark!

America has never given up on its love affair with Arthur Fonzarelli and his chums. My son knows Henry Winkler’s barber. See if you can get Oprah to ask him for us.  (All you Hollywood types still spend time in Lake Tahoe, correct?)  We’ll air it live; promote the bejezzus out of it; and hope something exciting happens. I bet we can borrow his leather jacket from the Smithsonian.

I hope that you’re as excited about these new ideas as our creative team is.  We’ll need all of this in place before your Shark Week ends on Saturday.  Please know that you are an important cog in the Hudsucker machinery.

Best,

Sidney J. Mussburger, CFO                                                                                                                                           Hudsucker Industries