Like Stallone told the Russians in Rocky IV, “I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change.”
Archive for July, 2011
Over the years Sylvester Stallone has taken a lot of heat (some of it coming from this office). But unlike John Travolta or Nicholas Cage, he honestly seems to have most of his own hair. We decided that in honor of the Italian Stallion’s 65th birthday, we’d list some of the good Stallone has brought us as well as some things we’d like to see before he retires his curling bar.
Stallone’s Good Deeds to Date
5. Gave to us the only movie solely about arm-wrestling.
4. Introduced the world to two of America’s most enduring sweethearts, Sandra Bullock and Mr. T..
3. Without laughing to loudly, harlequin romanticized heroic characters with names like, Marion “Cobra” Cobretti, Lincoln Hawk, John Spartan, Kit Latura, and Robert Rath.
2. Made us care about Dolph Lungren again. There’s a lot to love there people!
1. Rocky freakin’ II
Things that Would Solidify Stallone in the Hearts and Imaginations of Unborn Generations
5. Play Vin Diesel’s dad in something that requires them to have pages of dialogue together.
4. Tell Hugh Jackman to take a vacation so you can play the short, old, crotchety Wolverine we fell in love with in the comics.
3. Bring in Carl Weathers, Mr. T., and Brigitte Nielsen for Expendables II. While you’re at it see if you can find the guy who played the Night Slasher in Cobra. The Expendables franchise would truly benefit from more axe fights.
2. Give the people what they really want: a Tango & Cash sequel.
1. After each of your films that receives a negative review, remind that critic that you gave them Rocky freakin’ II!
”Better to be king for a night than a schmuck for a lifetime.” – Rupert Pupkin in The King of Comedy(Ahhh,DeNiro.)
Usually when I search for something on the internet it’s like a Where’s Waldo hunt. I start strong but get distracted by the hilarious vampires and garbage men who kind of look like Waldo, but are obvious red herrings. You, are readers, however, are like Jessica Fletcher from Murder She Wrote. You get to the bottom of it without breakin’ a sweat or spilling your tea.
All this is a roundabout way of saying that we didn’t realize how much of a stir one little picture of a cyborg police officer riding a mythological creature through the heavens would cause. Friday, to herald our return to writing a daily site, we posted a picture of Robocop straddling a unicorn. This morning our inbox was chock full of other celebs astride majestic horned stallions! Seriously, you people we’re all over this! Below are a few of the highlights (most are without artist credits unfortunately):
We’ve been dropping the ball quite a bit over the past few months while on hiatus. We missed that humongous kraken the Chinese found washed up on the beach. We failed to report that Aquaman, as well as all of the funnybooks published by DC Comics are starting over again, hopefully giving the King of the Seas a little more street cred. We watched in silent horror as The Burt Reynolds and Friends Museum almost closed it’s doors for good. We mourned the death of Columbo, but failed to share it with our readership. We even kept our mouths shut when the CDC announced that it was prepping for zombie attacks! But no more!
We admit to all of our shortcomings, but we couldn’t let the 36th Anniversary of Jaws pass without comment. As of Tuesday, July 5th we’re back to producing a daily fix of unpopular culture for you, our one reader. As a symbol of our love and revived devotion, please accept this picture of Robocop riding a unicorn that we found while looking for … ummm… pictures of Robocop riding a unicorn. I wish we knew the artist, I’d hire him to paint a mural on every wall in my house!
Now go enjoy your freedom! Eat a hot dog, drink a beer, and tell your friends about us. See you Tuesday.
It wouldn’t be the 4th of July without a Jaws reference: Amity, as you know, means “friendship.”
WHEN ROAD-TRIPPING THIS SUMMER BE SURE TO VISIT THESE DAILYJIM ENDORSED MUSEUM EXPERIENCES
The Burt Reynolds and Friends Museum -
Jupiter, Florida -
The Bandit’s personal collection of movie and sports memorabilia including the freakin’ canoe from Deliverance! Yikes!
The Museum of the American Carnival -
Gibsonton , Florida -
That’s right! The carnies have their own museum! Or do they?