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The Daily Jim

All the wit that's fit to spit

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Help Wanted: Rocket Scientists

While nursing his 17th beer at the Red Sox game, my intern, Ben, leaned over to me and asked what all the NASA scientists will be doing now that the Space Shuttle missions are wrapping up?  “I hope they’ll finally have time to focus on promoting Tang and perfecting aerosol cheese in a can!”

I just finished watching a double feature of 12 Monkeys and The Road so I’d like to see those NASA lab rats concentrate on a plan for the apocalypse. A good one too! None of this crappy gigantic ark nonsense with a half-assed lottery system either. It didn’t work in Deep Impact and I don’t think it worked in 2012 (we turned down the volume 20 minutes in and started doing our own dialogue).

Usually I’d look to the Brits for a rational “Be calm and carry on” type response to disaster scenarios, but I saw A Clockwork Orange, those guys can’t even handle street crime from teenagers in bowler hats much less the freakin’ dragon assaults of Reign of Fire.  And Australia is a nation of Thunderdomes, so they’re no help. 

I mean NASA is funded by my tax dollars so without fancy rocket ships to distract them, they should be working on protecting my butt from the dystopian future Hollywood has assured me will happen. So I’m officially putting these brainiacs on notice, if the apes rise to power because you guys are too busy pining away for the good ol’ days by watching The Right Stuff on loop and looking through humongous telescopes, somebody is going to get a strongly worded letter.

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Dailies

Attention lonely geeks! “Drunk” is only a superpower at Red Sox games and ex-girlfriends’ weddings.

Gentleman Jim

  • MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.  

  • TUESDAY – Television.  Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.  

  • WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.  

  • THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.  

  • FRIDAY – Fantasy, Sci-fi, and comics.  Like living in your parents’ basement only without the inherent desperation. Well…