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The Daily Jim

All the wit that's fit to spit

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Archive for July, 2011

The Most Un-Comic Con Thing Ever

Friday, July 22nd, 2011

In years past we’ve brought you pictures of Bill Cosby in awesomely ’80s sweaters and a chronology of John Travolta’s hair. Today we are a little horrified to present to you the most Un-Comic Con thing ever, ever! Wait for it…

Pictures of Sandra Bullock and Matthew McConaughey smiling.

 

 

 

 

Somehow We Missed Vin Diesel’s Birthday!!!!

Tuesday, July 19th, 2011

Mark Sinclair Vincent has taught us so much over the past 44 years, we’re embarrassed to say we let his birthday slip by without comments.  So as a peace offering, here’s a few of our favortive Diesel-isms (you gotta do the voice, say ’em out loud, and look as self important as possible – that’s the fun part)

Private Caparz0 from Saving Priovate Ryan: “You gotta pay attention to detail, I know exactly where he’s from and I know exactly what he did ‘cuz I pay attention to detail.”

The Iron Giant from The Iron Giant: “I am not a gun.”

Chris Varick from Boiler Room: “Don’t you have a menorah you can shove up your ass?”

Riddick from Pitch Black: “All you people are so scared of me. Most days I’d take that as a compliment.”

Dom Toretto from The Fast and the Furious: “I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free.”

 

The Daily Jim World News Round Up

Monday, July 18th, 2011

With Harry Potter and the wiz kids getting all the press last week and Comic Con sucking the air out of these here internets this week a few global  items got dropped from the the 24 news feed.

In Vancouver, our neighbor to the north, a guy dressed as the Greek god of death yet wearing a bullet-proof vest is handing out business cards and water to the homelsss.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/british-columbia/real-life-superhero-takes-to-vancouvers-streets/article2098046/

In Israel, McDonald’s has pulled its “McFalafel” from the menu. No word yet on who’s to blame for letting that thing get on there in the first place.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/jul/12/mcdonalds-withdraws-mcfalafel-israeli-restaurants

Here at home, and after months of seclusion, Admiral Ackbar, former Rebel Alliance leader and candidate for Ole Miss mascot has had his website hacked by Asian fertility specialists,

http://www.notatrap.org/

The only thing that did make the newsreel was Kelly Osbourne yelling at some kids in London and then Tweeting about her superheroic feats. Way to go E Network!

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b252007_look_out_london_kelly_osbourne_fights.html?cmpid=rss-000000-rssfeed-365-celebritynews&utm_source=eonline&utm_medium=rssfeeds&utm_campaign=rss_celebritynews

 

Harry Potter and the Legion of Fanboys

Friday, July 15th, 2011

Hogwarts is a mystery to me. And that’s okay. I was a fully functioning adult when J.K. Rowling hit pay dirt with her first book Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. My intern, Ben, however was a pup in ’97 and cannot recall with any clarity a Voldemort free world. So it was no surprise when he donned a robe and a pair of over-sized glasses to tailgate at the googleplex before the midnight show of Deathly Hollows Part 2 last night.  He claims that Harry Potter is his Star Wars.

It’s not a bad analogy; one that’s been brought up before – Luke/Harry, Voldemort/Vader, Han and Leia/Ron and Hermione. Most other awesomely-awesome fantastic fantasy movies from the ’70s and ’80s were mostly not meant for kids, but we watched the hell out of freakin’ Blade Runner and Heavy Metal any time they were on HBO anyway! Fantasy for children were usually one-offs, never requiring to a sequel (Booooo, Neverending Story 2!). Potter and the wiz kids have had 7 books and 8 movies.  Time Bandits, Legend, Labyrinth, and Willow still have their place in our collective memory, but it isn’t like Star Wars or this Potter thing.  When these dorks are in their thirties they’ll be doing Quidditch jokes faster than Han can shoot Greedo. They’ll be going to dorky conventions and inviting their buddies over to watch Prisoner of Azkaban the way we watch Empire Strikes Back.

Ben will most likely be late for work today, he’ll be smiling, hungover, and probably still have a lightning bolt Sharpied onto his forehead.  I will understand, then send him out for coffee insisting that he wear a Darth Vader helmet. You know… because Vader kicks ass and respect must be paid to the original Dark Lord.

Gift Ideas for Your Little Monsters

Wednesday, July 13th, 2011

My wife, Red, and I have different approaches to gift shopping for children.  She likes her gifts to be symbolic in order to strengthen her bond with the child and somewhat educational in an attempt to spark wonderous curiousity. Me, I like to horrify the kid’s parents.

The  Leatherface action figure from Texas Chainsaw Massacre – Perfect for kids of all ages.  Your family will delight in the hours spent hacking Smurf Village to bloody shreds.

The Mad Men playset – This little gem enforces gender roles while espousing the health benefits of smoking.

The Love Boat series of toys – Crew members include a bartender, a womanizer, and a future Congressman. Charo toy sold separately.

The Fargo snowglobe features Sheriff Marge Gunderson confronting Grimsrud as he disposes of a body in a woodchipper. A quick shake of the globe and a spray of blood fills the scene. Perfect for and playroom or bookshelf.

How Did Fonzie Avoid STDs?

Tuesday, July 12th, 2011

Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother, ably played by Doogie Howser, M.D., may be the funniest womanizer on television, but he sure isn’t the first.  He has learned a thing or two from the men who paved the way one foxy chick at a time (except for Fonzie who liked twins).

Dr. Adam Bricker (“Doc”)

The Love Boat

Notable Conquests: If she was famous in the ‘70s, she cameoed on The Boat and starred in Doc’s cabin.

What Barney Learned: Quantity trumps quality. Why tie yourself down to one lady when next week the boat will be filled a whole new batch.

Our Experts Say: “He’s an improbable combination of white short-shorts and medical double entendres.”

 

Dan Fielding

Night Court

Notable Conquests: Hookers, hookers, hookers

What Barney Learned: How to suit up.  Dan is always dressed impeccably.

Our Experts Say: “Dan Fielding was sit-com gold! He was the proto Barney Stinson; a horn dog misunderstood by his monogamous peers.”

 

Larry Dallas

Three’s Company

Notable Conquests: Greedy Gretchen and Lana Do you Wanna

What Barney Learned: The thrill of the chase…and …His chest hair and medallion are …wait for it…epic!

Our Experts Say: “I found it really hard to tell if Larry was actually getting any. That said, his every waking thought was about the hunt.  That’s gotta count for something.” 

 

Arthur Fonzarelli (“The Fonz”)

Happy Days

Notable Conquests: Paula Petralunga, The Drinkwater twins, Pinky Tuscadero

What Barney Learned: Bro Code. Fonzie was always playing wingman for Ritchie; they even double dated with Laverne and Shirley.

Our Experts Say: “One of television’s greatest mysteries is how Fonzie avoided getting STDs.”

Monday, July 11th, 2011

Attention lonely geeks! “Drunk” is only a superpower at Red Sox games and ex-girlfriends’ weddings.

Help Wanted: Rocket Scientists

Monday, July 11th, 2011

While nursing his 17th beer at the Red Sox game, my intern, Ben, leaned over to me and asked what all the NASA scientists will be doing now that the Space Shuttle missions are wrapping up?  “I hope they’ll finally have time to focus on promoting Tang and perfecting aerosol cheese in a can!”

I just finished watching a double feature of 12 Monkeys and The Road so I’d like to see those NASA lab rats concentrate on a plan for the apocalypse. A good one too! None of this crappy gigantic ark nonsense with a half-assed lottery system either. It didn’t work in Deep Impact and I don’t think it worked in 2012 (we turned down the volume 20 minutes in and started doing our own dialogue).

Usually I’d look to the Brits for a rational “Be calm and carry on” type response to disaster scenarios, but I saw A Clockwork Orange, those guys can’t even handle street crime from teenagers in bowler hats much less the freakin’ dragon assaults of Reign of Fire.  And Australia is a nation of Thunderdomes, so they’re no help. 

I mean NASA is funded by my tax dollars so without fancy rocket ships to distract them, they should be working on protecting my butt from the dystopian future Hollywood has assured me will happen. So I’m officially putting these brainiacs on notice, if the apes rise to power because you guys are too busy pining away for the good ol’ days by watching The Right Stuff on loop and looking through humongous telescopes, somebody is going to get a strongly worded letter.

Robocop Statue Finally Headed to Detroit

Friday, July 8th, 2011

Sure there are lots of reasons to love Detroit: Motown, the 1966 Shelby Mustang, the Red Wings, and KISS;  but wouldn’t a life-size statue of Detroit’s favorite son sweeten the preverbial pot? We’ll the much hyped Robocop statue is well past the fund raising phase and onto design. That’s right! They’re gonna build the damn thing!!!

  Detroitneedsrobocop.com needed to raise $50,000 by last March in order to fund construction on Wayne State University’s TechTown campus and wound up taking in $67,436 to date through its on-line campaign.

No word yet on whether the protector of  the Motor City will be sculpted riding , his now trademark, unicorn or aiming a humongous firearm at WSU college kids. 

Members of Detroit band, Insane Clown Posse, could not be reached for comment.

Sweden Disavows The Swedish Chef

Thursday, July 7th, 2011

Jonas Hafstrom, Swedish Ambassador to the U.S. of A., was quoted last month by the Washington Examiner as saying, “Previously Nordic chefs, well at least Swedish chefs, were known only as a puppet character. But our chefs are no longer a laughing matter.”

Ambassador Hafsrom might be right. A quick street poling around the city of Providence for most famous chef in the world yeilded the following results:

#1 The Swedish Chef

#2 “The bald guy from Top Chef”

#3 “That angry Brisitsh guy”

#4 Chef Boyardee

#5 “Is Julia Child still alive?”

The Swedish Chef is not only a recognizable symbol of Sweden but obviously (at least in Providence) also of the culinary community.  That being said, our intern, Ben, looked up “Bork ditty bork.” As it turns out, it ain’t Swedish. It’s drunken gibberish. What if this guy is just a rummy with a speech impediment and bad eyesight?  What if he’s not even a chef? Think about it. He tends to use high explosives in the kitchen and often attempts to cook live animals without any preparation. Also his knife work is more hack/slash than mince/dice. 

Although he’s comedy gold, I think it’s a good thing the Sweds are finally outing this “chef” after 30 years of trying to feed the public live chickens and singing pumpkin pies.

Lessons in Bad Media Franchising and Merchandising

1) Saw 8: The Reality Television Gameshow 2)Live action movie of Hungry, Hungry Hippos 3)The Tonight Show, starring Chewbacca 4) Deadpool vs. Punisher: The Musical 5) The Human Centipede sleeping bag 6) C-Span Live Action Role Playing Group 7) The new Texas Chainsaw Massacre ride at Six Flags Over Texas 8) Your Parents Basement is Always […]

Where is Our Modern Barney Miller?

The single camera glory that was Barney Miller can probably never be reproduced.  There’s heavy debate in the office whether it should be or not. It was essentially a 22-minute, 3-act play with minimal characters and only one set (after Season One that also featured Barney’s dining room at home).  The thing is, the writing […]

Non-John Hughes High School Movies from the ’80s

Yep. Most of the high school biggies were our man, Hughes. But if you can name the 1980s high school movie quotes listed below, your might have been paying attention to something else in ’88 other than the MTV Beach House and that cute girl with freckles in your 11th grade Chemistry class. 5)”Last night, […]

Mark Your Calendar, Nerds!!!

This Weekend is legendary Indy 500.  Please don’t think geekdom is limited to cosplay and app programming.  Oh no, my friends. Two years ago our Mid-West correspondent, Billy D, and I watched those car dorks jump a humongous Hot Wheels truck  over a bunch of school busses and twice as many drunks while Florence Henderson […]

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Attention lonely geeks! “Drunk” is only a superpower at Red Sox games and ex-girlfriends’ weddings.

Gentleman Jim

  • MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.  

  • TUESDAY – Television.  Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.  

  • WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.  

  • THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.  

  • FRIDAY – Fantasy, Sci-fi, and comics.  Like living in your parents’ basement only without the inherent desperation. Well…