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The Daily Jim

All the wit that's fit to spit

Friday, April 20, 2018

Archive for March, 2011

If Zombies are Wrong, the Borg Want to be Right!

Monday, March 21st, 2011

Ol’ Doc Connell says I’m wasting my time worrying about zombies.  He claims now that we have zombie sitcoms, zombie 5k’s, and zombie convenience store snacks we have nothing to fear from the undead other than market saturation.

Instead, Doc insists we should be concerned about the zombies of the future – androids.  Now, just because we MIGHT have gotten a cease and desist letter for rightfully asserting that Betty White MIGHT be a age-defying Terminator, doesn’t mean it’s not a daily topic of conversation in our office.  Androids, particularly when shaped like former governors are elderly comedians are a menace, no doubt.  Doc, however, is haunted by the darkest android of all -Vicki from Small Wonder.

Ha! No. Joke.  Ol’ Doc Connell is actually terrified of  The Borg, the soul sucking alien, robot, human assimilation Frankensteins from Star Trek: The Next Generation that simply want to make more Borg. I started to explain to Doc that Borg are technically cyborgs, but he’s not a real doctor, so I stopped and let him continue being frightened.

He’s got a point, though.  Human parts used by the Borg are dead, but they’re retrofitted with lasers, spinny things, and usually a fashionable metal hat of some kind. That makes them android zombies. It’s like the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup or my nightmares. Two horrifying things that are great together.  Welcome to the future of cross promotional paranoia!

Sunday, March 20th, 2011

Practical Wisdom from The Hangover’s Alan, “Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.”

Liz Lemon, Stop Stealing My Life: A Personal Appeal

Sunday, March 20th, 2011

As we’ve been known to note, we’re obsessed with Liz Lemon from 30 Rock.  But it seems we’re not alone.  Thanks to our publishing letters and haiku from “Lemon Squeezer” about his creepy crush, we’re getting more mail than ever regarding the spectacled princess of pop culture.  Our own Bella La Lovely has even stepped forward during, what we assume was, a night of drinking coupled with a cable outage.

To whoever is in charge,

Long before Liz Lemon was a twinkle in Tina Fey’s eye, I was wearing bathing suites as underwear substitutes during laundry lulls, enjoying a love for hard cheeses, and drinking white wine/Sprite/ice combos (what Liz Lemon calls “funky juice”). Although I don’t keep a gallon of funky juice next to my toilet, the parallels between Liz Lemon’s and my life are uncanny and can no longer be ignored.

I don’t know how or why, but the character of Liz Lemon has been created as a parody of my life. The cagey writers on 30 Rock have somehow implanted a spy to garner the most intimate details of my life and have used my personal dysfunction as a basis for Lemon’s neuroses.

Under other circumstances, a character patterned after one’s life may be seen as a compliment; however, in this situation, Liz Lemon’s insanity shines an ignorable light on the madness that is my life.

Therefore, it is with great sincerity and self-awareness that I make a plea to the 30 Rock writing staff; please stop stealing my life. With humility I admit that it would be easier for me to rationalize my maladaptive behavior without Liz Lemon as a mirror to my lunacy.

By the way, for all of you out there who are interested in trying the combination of white wine, Sprite and ice, a lovely boxed wine makes a fabulous, economical funky juice. I recommend Franzia, which has an easy-to-use spout, stores nicely in any refrigerator, and remains fresh for up to 6 weeks.

Yours in … Why are you making me write this in letter form?… Aww, forget it,

Bella La Lovely

Lessons in Bad Media Franchising and Merchandising

1) Saw 8: The Reality Television Gameshow 2)Live action movie of Hungry, Hungry Hippos 3)The Tonight Show, starring Chewbacca 4) Deadpool vs. Punisher: The Musical 5) The Human Centipede sleeping bag 6) C-Span Live Action Role Playing Group 7) The new Texas Chainsaw Massacre ride at Six Flags Over Texas 8) Your Parents Basement is Always […]

Where is Our Modern Barney Miller?

The single camera glory that was Barney Miller can probably never be reproduced.  There’s heavy debate in the office whether it should be or not. It was essentially a 22-minute, 3-act play with minimal characters and only one set (after Season One that also featured Barney’s dining room at home).  The thing is, the writing […]

Non-John Hughes High School Movies from the ’80s

Yep. Most of the high school biggies were our man, Hughes. But if you can name the 1980s high school movie quotes listed below, your might have been paying attention to something else in ’88 other than the MTV Beach House and that cute girl with freckles in your 11th grade Chemistry class. 5)”Last night, […]

Mark Your Calendar, Nerds!!!

This Weekend is legendary Indy 500.  Please don’t think geekdom is limited to cosplay and app programming.  Oh no, my friends. Two years ago our Mid-West correspondent, Billy D, and I watched those car dorks jump a humongous Hot Wheels truck  over a bunch of school busses and twice as many drunks while Florence Henderson […]

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Attention lonely geeks! “Drunk” is only a superpower at Red Sox games and ex-girlfriends’ weddings.

Gentleman Jim

  • MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.  

  • TUESDAY – Television.  Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.  

  • WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.  

  • THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.  

  • FRIDAY – Fantasy, Sci-fi, and comics.  Like living in your parents’ basement only without the inherent desperation. Well…