Ol’ Doc Connell says I’m wasting my time worrying about zombies.  He claims now that we have zombie sitcoms, zombie 5k’s, and zombie convenience store snacks we have nothing to fear from the undead other than market saturation.

Instead, Doc insists we should be concerned about the zombies of the future – androids.  Now, just because we MIGHT have gotten a cease and desist letter for rightfully asserting that Betty White MIGHT be a age-defying Terminator, doesn’t mean it’s not a daily topic of conversation in our office.  Androids, particularly when shaped like former governors are elderly comedians are a menace, no doubt.  Doc, however, is haunted by the darkest android of all -Vicki from Small Wonder.

Ha! No. Joke.  Ol’ Doc Connell is actually terrified of  The Borg, the soul sucking alien, robot, human assimilation Frankensteins from Star Trek: The Next Generation that simply want to make more Borg. I started to explain to Doc that Borg are technically cyborgs, but he’s not a real doctor, so I stopped and let him continue being frightened.

He’s got a point, though.  Human parts used by the Borg are dead, but they’re retrofitted with lasers, spinny things, and usually a fashionable metal hat of some kind. That makes them android zombies. It’s like the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup or my nightmares. Two horrifying things that are great together.  Welcome to the future of cross promotional paranoia!

As we’ve been known to note, we’re obsessed with Liz Lemon from 30 Rock.  But it seems we’re not alone.  Thanks to our publishing letters and haiku from “Lemon Squeezer” about his creepy crush, we’re getting more mail than ever regarding the spectacled princess of pop culture.  Our own Bella La Lovely has even stepped forward during, what we assume was, a night of drinking coupled with a cable outage.

To whoever is in charge,

Long before Liz Lemon was a twinkle in Tina Fey’s eye, I was wearing bathing suites as underwear substitutes during laundry lulls, enjoying a love for hard cheeses, and drinking white wine/Sprite/ice combos (what Liz Lemon calls “funky juice”). Although I don’t keep a gallon of funky juice next to my toilet, the parallels between Liz Lemon’s and my life are uncanny and can no longer be ignored.

I don’t know how or why, but the character of Liz Lemon has been created as a parody of my life. The cagey writers on 30 Rock have somehow implanted a spy to garner the most intimate details of my life and have used my personal dysfunction as a basis for Lemon’s neuroses.

Under other circumstances, a character patterned after one’s life may be seen as a compliment; however, in this situation, Liz Lemon’s insanity shines an ignorable light on the madness that is my life.

Therefore, it is with great sincerity and self-awareness that I make a plea to the 30 Rock writing staff; please stop stealing my life. With humility I admit that it would be easier for me to rationalize my maladaptive behavior without Liz Lemon as a mirror to my lunacy.

By the way, for all of you out there who are interested in trying the combination of white wine, Sprite and ice, a lovely boxed wine makes a fabulous, economical funky juice. I recommend Franzia, which has an easy-to-use spout, stores nicely in any refrigerator, and remains fresh for up to 6 weeks.

Yours in … Why are you making me write this in letter form?… Aww, forget it,

Bella La Lovely