Get updates by email:

The Daily Jim

All the wit that's fit to spit

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Breaking News: The Hamburglar is a Bigger Threat than First Thought

We do a truckload of talking on this site about super villains and evil geniuses.  Lex Luthor gets a lot of ink, so do Darth Vader, and Avon Barksdale, even freakin’ Cobra Commander gets some attention.  On the surface, the Hamburglar would seem a laughable addition to this list of notable troublemakers.  We’ve mentioned his hijinks only in passing as a sad byproduct of corrupt McDonaldland politics (If the Clown is in charge, as his last name suggests, why does Ronald need Mayor McCheese?).  But I submit to you that the Hamburglar is in fact worthy of felonious praise.  Truth be told, he might be running the whole show.

Think about it.  No one takes him seriously.  He always gets caught, but never does any prison time.  He wears an outlandish costume that draws attention to him rather then trying to blend in with McDonald’s patrons. He speaks in some sort of gibberish that annoys and befuddles his captors…. I’m just gonna say it.  The Hamburglar is Keyser Soze.

Re-watch The Usual Suspects if you have to.  Anyone who tells you that they knew Verbal Kint would turn out an to be an alias for legendary criminal mastermind Keyser Soze is lying to your face!  He’s weak, annoying, and foolish. He’s the storm you didn’t see coming. He’s your overconfidence. He’s the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled. He’s…the Hamburglar. And he’s hiding in plain sight.

Now, you could claim that this is just one whacko theory out of hundreds. No one could possibly be puppeteering all crime.  He’s “a myth, a spook story criminals tell their kids at night. ‘Rat on your pop, and Keyeser Soze will get you.’  And no one ever really believes.”  So when he’s finally publically outed, we’re takin’ ALL the credit.  Just like Tim Russert. Hamburglar, Hamburglar, Hamburglar!

Share
blog comments powered by Disqus

Geek Definition of the Day

“VARIANT COVER” – A comic book produced with different covers for the express purpose of having you, the comic fan boy, boy multiple copies of the same thing.  Sometimes many covers will create a larger tapestry or work of art; others will be in 3-D; or have alternative concepts. We all love art or we [...]

Lessons in Bad Media Franchising and Merchandising

1) Saw 8: The Reality Television Gameshow 2)Live action movie of Hungry, Hungry Hippos 3)The Tonight Show, starring Chewbacca 4) Deadpool vs. Punisher: The Musical 5) The Human Centipede sleeping bag 6) C-Span Live Action Role Playing Group 7) The new Texas Chainsaw Massacre ride at Six Flags Over Texas 8) Your Parents Basement is Always [...]

Where is Our Modern Barney Miller?

The single camera glory that was Barney Miller can probably never be reproduced.  There’s heavy debate in the office whether it should be or not. It was essentially a 22-minute, 3-act play with minimal characters and only one set (after Season One that also featured Barney’s dining room at home).  The thing is, the writing [...]

Non-John Hughes High School Movies from the ’80s

Yep. Most of the high school biggies were our man, Hughes. But if you can name the 1980s high school movie quotes listed below, your might have been paying attention to something else in ’88 other than the MTV Beach House and that cute girl with freckles in your 11th grade Chemistry class. 5)”Last night, [...]

Mark Your Calendar, Nerds!!!

This Weekend is legendary Indy 500.  Please don’t think geekdom is limited to cosplay and app programming.  Oh no, my friends. Two years ago our Mid-West correspondent, Billy D, and I watched those car dorks jump a humongous Hot Wheels truck  over a bunch of school busses and twice as many drunks while Florence Henderson [...]

Dailies

Attention lonely geeks! “Drunk” is only a superpower at Red Sox games and ex-girlfriends’ weddings.

Gentleman Jim

  • MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.  

  • TUESDAY – Television.  Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.  

  • WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.  

  • THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.  

  • FRIDAY – Fantasy, Sci-fi, and comics.  Like living in your parents’ basement only without the inherent desperation. Well…