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The Daily Jim

All the wit that's fit to spit

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Breaking News: The Hamburglar is a Bigger Threat than First Thought

We do a truckload of talking on this site about super villains and evil geniuses.  Lex Luthor gets a lot of ink, so do Darth Vader, and Avon Barksdale, even freakin’ Cobra Commander gets some attention.  On the surface, the Hamburglar would seem a laughable addition to this list of notable troublemakers.  We’ve mentioned his hijinks only in passing as a sad byproduct of corrupt McDonaldland politics (If the Clown is in charge, as his last name suggests, why does Ronald need Mayor McCheese?).  But I submit to you that the Hamburglar is in fact worthy of felonious praise.  Truth be told, he might be running the whole show.

Think about it.  No one takes him seriously.  He always gets caught, but never does any prison time.  He wears an outlandish costume that draws attention to him rather then trying to blend in with McDonald’s patrons. He speaks in some sort of gibberish that annoys and befuddles his captors…. I’m just gonna say it.  The Hamburglar is Keyser Soze.

Re-watch The Usual Suspects if you have to.  Anyone who tells you that they knew Verbal Kint would turn out an to be an alias for legendary criminal mastermind Keyser Soze is lying to your face!  He’s weak, annoying, and foolish. He’s the storm you didn’t see coming. He’s your overconfidence. He’s the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled. He’s…the Hamburglar. And he’s hiding in plain sight.

Now, you could claim that this is just one whacko theory out of hundreds. No one could possibly be puppeteering all crime.  He’s “a myth, a spook story criminals tell their kids at night. ‘Rat on your pop, and Keyeser Soze will get you.’  And no one ever really believes.”  So when he’s finally publically outed, we’re takin’ ALL the credit.  Just like Tim Russert. Hamburglar, Hamburglar, Hamburglar!

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Attention lonely geeks! “Drunk” is only a superpower at Red Sox games and ex-girlfriends’ weddings.

Gentleman Jim

  • MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.  

  • TUESDAY – Television.  Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.  

  • WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.  

  • THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.  

  • FRIDAY – Fantasy, Sci-fi, and comics.  Like living in your parents’ basement only without the inherent desperation. Well…