Poor John Travolta takes a lot of heat for Scientology, his questionable film choices, and even more questionable acting.  But this week some dope followed him to Hawaii and snapped a picture of him without his damn toupee.  It’s insulting!  Not because the guy’s on vacation with his lady and his beautiful cleft chin, but because his hair is a treasure of our collective consciousness!  Brothers and sisters, I submit, that while ol’ Johnny T’s locks are a study in follicle confusion, without them we wouldn’t know what decade we’re in.

Bear with me on this one… by understanding that each time period has it’s own fashions, trends, and hair-styles, we can look at John Travolta’s hair in ANY film as representative of the end of that era. Let’s s start at the beginning.

The Boy in the Plastic Bubble (1976)

Ahhh, 1976.  Broadway Joe Namath’s final season with the Jets and he had already cut his hair.  But Barbarino’s curly pre-mullet was still on every kid in the country from the Bad News Bears to Jodie Foster. Watch him in Carrie if you don’t believe me.

Staying Alive (1983)

If Disco didn’t die before Saturday Night Fever saw the light of day in 1977, Sylvester Stallone sealed its fate by writing and directing this early Eighties follow-up.  Also, forcing Johnny T to turn to a slim headband to manage his un-styled locks.

The Experts (1989)

Okay. Travolta’s super-mullet is so indicative of the late ’80s it’s almost worth watching this turd about Russian spies infiltrating the American suburbs. I know… turd.

Pulp Fiction (1994)

We’re gonna catch some flack for this one, but most guys in ’94/’95 had the “long, even, slick-back” because of Vincent Vega, not the other way around. Just get yourself a Royale with Cheese and accept that as gospel.

Michael (1996)

Yep.  Michael was released just weeks before Eddie Vedder cut his hair and un-cooled the whole look with a scissor snip.

Swordfish (2001)

Vega’s hair is a little more manicured, but the real story here is the soul patch/fancy eyebrow combo.

From Paris with Love (2010)

Is it weird that I know he’s got no hair, but I still think he’s wearing a bald cap?  Note the goatee/bald pairing ending the decade.

Taking of the Pelham 123 (2010)

As we understand it, this is pretty close to Johnny T’s natural state up top, but his ironic mustache here came on the final edge of the trend just before all the skinny kids in Brooklyn started growin’ mountain man beards.

Fight his religion if you like, but respect his damn hair for the time capsule it is!!

Nobody worries about the Mole Men any more.  There was a time, when Japan was going through their giant fire breathing lizard dilemma, all of America was bracing for the attack of the Mole Men.  Then it kinda’ went underground (Sorry. Not funny.).  Our country moved on to concern itself with a variety of other threats in the interim: aliens, super-spies, world ending meteors, terminators, smooth chested wolf-men, and zombies.  But where are the Mole Men?

I have so many questions.  Where have you been for fifty years?  What’s the story with alligators in the New York City Subway?  Are you characters keeping them as pets or food? Are there Mole Ladies? How does one become a Mole Man? Is there hazing like in a college fraternity? I picture your tunnels like an ant farm down there.  Is that pretty accurate? Do you guys have a website, or something, where I can locate my nearest subterranean lair? If you come to the surface, do you need just regular sunglasses, or the humongous ones my nana wore after her cataract surgery?

Due to my curiosity, I say we befriend our shy, near-sighted, Earth-digging, dirty brothers.  If for no other reason than keeping the lava creatures off our backs, I think we should pay ‘em a little gratitude.   Hey Mole Men, drinks are on our corporate card next time you’re tunneling below Providence.

from the folks at shirtoid.com

We do a truckload of talking on this site about super villains and evil geniuses.  Lex Luthor gets a lot of ink, so do Darth Vader, and Avon Barksdale, even freakin’ Cobra Commander gets some attention.  On the surface, the Hamburglar would seem a laughable addition to this list of notable troublemakers.  We’ve mentioned his hijinks only in passing as a sad byproduct of corrupt McDonaldland politics (If the Clown is in charge, as his last name suggests, why does Ronald need Mayor McCheese?).  But I submit to you that the Hamburglar is in fact worthy of felonious praise.  Truth be told, he might be running the whole show.

Think about it.  No one takes him seriously.  He always gets caught, but never does any prison time.  He wears an outlandish costume that draws attention to him rather then trying to blend in with McDonald’s patrons. He speaks in some sort of gibberish that annoys and befuddles his captors…. I’m just gonna say it.  The Hamburglar is Keyser Soze.

Re-watch The Usual Suspects if you have to.  Anyone who tells you that they knew Verbal Kint would turn out an to be an alias for legendary criminal mastermind Keyser Soze is lying to your face!  He’s weak, annoying, and foolish. He’s the storm you didn’t see coming. He’s your overconfidence. He’s the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled. He’s…the Hamburglar. And he’s hiding in plain sight.

Now, you could claim that this is just one whacko theory out of hundreds. No one could possibly be puppeteering all crime.  He’s “a myth, a spook story criminals tell their kids at night. ‘Rat on your pop, and Keyeser Soze will get you.’  And no one ever really believes.”  So when he’s finally publically outed, we’re takin’ ALL the credit.  Just like Tim Russert. Hamburglar, Hamburglar, Hamburglar!