This is Why Television Doesn’t Have a Guidance Department

To commemorate the beginning of the school year, we at thedailyjim.com have looked into our collective past to see how lack of education hasn’t affected some of our favorite television characters one bit.

Charles “Pa” Ingalls had little formal education, but he sure could play that fiddle.  In fact less classroom time meant he could learn all the things the bookworms only read about.  The guy built a little house on the prairie, milled wood, served for a time as a dynamite monkey, delivered various mammalian babies, both human and farm animal, taught himself to read, could tie a necktie, drop a rap on the ladies, and was considered a wise Walnut Grove elder while barely 40.  I have no idea why two of his kids became teachers.

Life was pretty nutty for the Tate family, but their butler, Benson DuBois, tried to keep a level head.  Just before Soap was cancelled and the unemployed Tate’s (including Richard Mulligan, Katherine Helmond, and Billy Crystal) were exhalted as comedy royalty, ol’ Benson moved to the Governor’s mansion.  There, he moved quickly from picking up the Governor’s undies to serving as his Lieutenant, then running against him for the big seat in the series cliffhanger.  If only Kraus, the Governor’s German cook, had that kind of luck.

Okay, Rachel Green was kind of whiny, but man, was her soup hot.  Getting a haircut named after you isn’t that hard, ask Darrell Mullet, but for Ms. Green it was only the starting block.  From admittedly horrible barista to Ralph Lauren Polo executive in under a decade is pretty impressive even if you’re working your way through an MBA.  The thing is, she didn’t.  Never once did this Friend go to a leadership seminar or audit a college fashion class.  She just excelled in making bad life choices and karma took the ’90s off.

Hugo Reyes, the man known as Hurley is the television embodiment of slacker.  He’s unmotivated and tree-slothy.  Even his millions turned to misery.  How then, was this vision of moppishness vaulted to the position of last line of defense for humanity?  We have no idea, but Hurley seemed to keep the lid on the eternal battle between good and evil until Lost came to an end last season.  No word on who manning the store now, though.

Now anyone can shoot at some food and hit a pocket of oil making them a millionaire like The Beverly Hillbillies’ Jed Clampet (that’s kind of our country’s motto), but these individuals are proof positive that the world is unjust and that many of us paid too much for college.  I’d like to get a piece of my high school guidance counselor just once and stick his ass on an island with a smoke monster…

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 8th, 2010 at 8:02 pm.
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My So-Called Zombie Life

• I wrote this Q & A for the November 2009 issue of Geek Monthly, where it was published in a slightly different format as “Ask a Zombie.”

  
  
  

• When I was alive I’d fight a zombie, but never wonder, “How’s this guy spending the rest of his time?” Die and learn I guess.  I will now attempt to answer just a few questions that I’d wish someone had taken the time from stalking and eating to answer for me when I was first [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Megan currently trapped inside the Old Navy in Forest Springs Mall, NJ

  “Why do the undead always look like they’re falling apart?  It’s really gross!” You’re referring to “body rot,” Megan.  As unsightly as it may be, zombies are literally falling apart due to decay. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be tidy.  I mean, I know guys with bugs crawling on them who are just plain [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Candice, hiding upstairs in your house

  “Sssssssssseeeeeeeth?” I know you’re hungry, but try to control your appetite.  There will always be dopes in the world; they’ll practically wander right up to you. I say, stick to gnawing on them, there is no shame in eating the slow or dim witted. The smart ones run really fast!  And good for them! If [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Professor Janice Warburton at Reanimation Laboratories, Gillette, Louisiana

  “Do zombies eat human brains exclusively?” Fact: Zombies eat whatever we can get our rotting hands on, brains, legs, intestine… I personally, enjoy throats and arms (man that’s just plain good eatin’).  I don’t know how this brain thing got started; there are worse misconceptions out there though, so this one is low priority.

  
  
  

• Question from Brian seat-belted in the back of a burned out school bus, OH

  “Grrrrrrrrrrawwwww! Mmmmmmmaaa?” Brian, Don’t bother trying to speak to the living.  They don’t get it!  In fact, they won’t get it until some drooling sap takes a bite out of them.  Generally they’re too busy screaming, running the other way, or spouting tough guy sound bites to listen to your rational. I have never gotten [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Colonel Samuel Doyle, stationed where Denver used to be

  “How do I know if I’m dealing with a slow zombie or a fast zombie before I get too close?” Me? I’m a throw back; I walk everywhere.  I mean, I’m already undead, what’s the hurry?  Some of these young guys like to run, mostly because it surprises the hell out of the living.  However, [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Karl, lurking somewhere in the woods

  “Hoo? Glurgggg?  Hooooooooooo?  Hoo? What about animal zombies, you ask?  I can’t tell you how many times newbies ask me this one.  My advice is always the same, if you can actually catch an animal and bite it while resisting the urge to eat the whole thing, more power to you.  Wildlife is both tasty [...]

  
  
  

• Question from “Anonymous,” drinking the last 7-11 Slurpees on freaking Earth in Pawtucket, RI

  “I heard that the government is working on a cure with some big drug companies.  I really hate freakin’ zombies… I wish you’d all die!” Great.  Thanks.  You don’t really get how this works do you?  I know where that 7-11 is by the way.  For the record, there is no cure for zombism.  A [...]

  
  
  

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Staff writers for thedailyjim can be contacted regarding freelance assignments, project consultations, and ego boosts. Your hair looks great, by the way. All content on this page is creator owned unless otherwise noted.

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