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The Daily Jim

All the wit that's fit to spit

Saturday, March 24, 2018

This is Why Television Doesn’t Have a Guidance Department

To commemorate the beginning of the school year, we at have looked into our collective past to see how lack of education hasn’t affected some of our favorite television characters one bit.

pa IngallsCharles “Pa” Ingalls had little formal education, but he sure could play that fiddle.  In fact less classroom time meant he could learn all the things the bookworms only read about.  The guy built a little house on the prairie, milled wood, served for a time as a dynamite monkey, delivered various mammalian babies, both human and farm animal, taught himself to read, could tie a necktie, drop a rap on the ladies, and was considered a wise Walnut Grove elder while barely 40.  I have no idea why two of his kids became teachers.

bensonLife was pretty nutty for the Tate family, but their butler, Benson DuBois, tried to keep a level head.  Just before Soap was cancelled and the unemployed Tate’s (including Richard Mulligan, Katherine Helmond, and Billy Crystal) were exhalted as comedy royalty, ol’ Benson moved to the Governor’s mansion.  There, he moved quickly from picking up the Governor’s undies to serving as his Lieutenant, then running against him for the big seat in the series cliffhanger.  If only Kraus, the Governor’s German cook, had that kind of luck.

rachelOkay, Rachel Green was kind of whiny, but man, was her soup hot.  Getting a haircut named after you isn’t that hard, ask Darrell Mullet, but for Ms. Green it was only the starting block.  From admittedly horrible barista to Ralph Lauren Polo executive in under a decade is pretty impressive even if you’re working your way through an MBA.  The thing is, she didn’t.  Never once did this Friend go to a leadership seminar or audit a college fashion class.  She just excelled in making bad life choices and karma took the ’90s off.

hurlyHugo Reyes, the man known as Hurley is the television embodiment of slacker.  He’s unmotivated and tree-slothy.  Even his millions turned to misery.  How then, was this vision of moppishness vaulted to the position of last line of defense for humanity?  We have no idea, but Hurley seemed to keep the lid on the eternal battle between good and evil until Lost came to an end last season.  No word on who manning the store now, though.

Now anyone can shoot at some food and hit a pocket of oil making them a millionaire like The Beverly Hillbillies’ Jed Clampet (that’s kind of our country’s motto), but these individuals are proof positive that the world is unjust and that many of us paid too much for college.  I’d like to get a piece of my high school guidance counselor just once and stick his ass on an island with a smoke monster…

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Gentleman Jim

  • MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.  

  • TUESDAY – Television.  Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.  

  • WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.  

  • THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.  

  • FRIDAY – Fantasy, Sci-fi, and comics.  Like living in your parents’ basement only without the inherent desperation. Well…