This is Why Television Doesn’t Have a Guidance Department
To commemorate the beginning of the school year, we at thedailyjim.com have looked into our collective past to see how lack of education hasn’t affected some of our favorite television characters one bit.
Charles “Pa” Ingalls had little formal education, but he sure could play that fiddle. In fact less classroom time meant he could learn all the things the bookworms only read about. The guy built a little house on the prairie, milled wood, served for a time as a dynamite monkey, delivered various mammalian babies, both human and farm animal, taught himself to read, could tie a necktie, drop a rap on the ladies, and was considered a wise Walnut Grove elder while barely 40. I have no idea why two of his kids became teachers.
Life was pretty nutty for the Tate family, but their butler, Benson DuBois, tried to keep a level head. Just before Soap was cancelled and the unemployed Tate’s (including Richard Mulligan, Katherine Helmond, and Billy Crystal) were exhalted as comedy royalty, ol’ Benson moved to the Governor’s mansion. There, he moved quickly from picking up the Governor’s undies to serving as his Lieutenant, then running against him for the big seat in the series cliffhanger. If only Kraus, the Governor’s German cook, had that kind of luck.
Okay, Rachel Green was kind of whiny, but man, was her soup hot. Getting a haircut named after you isn’t that hard, ask Darrell Mullet, but for Ms. Green it was only the starting block. From admittedly horrible barista to Ralph Lauren Polo executive in under a decade is pretty impressive even if you’re working your way through an MBA. The thing is, she didn’t. Never once did this Friend go to a leadership seminar or audit a college fashion class. She just excelled in making bad life choices and karma took the ’90s off.
Hugo Reyes, the man known as Hurley is the television embodiment of slacker. He’s unmotivated and tree-slothy. Even his millions turned to misery. How then, was this vision of moppishness vaulted to the position of last line of defense for humanity? We have no idea, but Hurley seemed to keep the lid on the eternal battle between good and evil until Lost came to an end last season. No word on who manning the store now, though.
Now anyone can shoot at some food and hit a pocket of oil making them a millionaire like The Beverly Hillbillies’ Jed Clampet (that’s kind of our country’s motto), but these individuals are proof positive that the world is unjust and that many of us paid too much for college. I’d like to get a piece of my high school guidance counselor just once and stick his ass on an island with a smoke monster…
“VARIANT COVER” – A comic book produced with different covers for the express purpose of having you, the comic fan boy, boy multiple copies of the same thing. Sometimes many covers will create a larger tapestry or work of art; others will be in 3-D; or have alternative concepts. We all love art or we [...]
1) Saw 8: The Reality Television Gameshow 2)Live action movie of Hungry, Hungry Hippos 3)The Tonight Show, starring Chewbacca 4) Deadpool vs. Punisher: The Musical 5) The Human Centipede sleeping bag 6) C-Span Live Action Role Playing Group 7) The new Texas Chainsaw Massacre ride at Six Flags Over Texas 8) Your Parents Basement is Always [...]
The single camera glory that was Barney Miller can probably never be reproduced. There’s heavy debate in the office whether it should be or not. It was essentially a 22-minute, 3-act play with minimal characters and only one set (after Season One that also featured Barney’s dining room at home). The thing is, the writing [...]
Yep. Most of the high school biggies were our man, Hughes. But if you can name the 1980s high school movie quotes listed below, your might have been paying attention to something else in ’88 other than the MTV Beach House and that cute girl with freckles in your 11th grade Chemistry class. 5)”Last night, [...]
This Weekend is legendary Indy 500. Please don’t think geekdom is limited to cosplay and app programming. Oh no, my friends. Two years ago our Mid-West correspondent, Billy D, and I watched those car dorks jump a humongous Hot Wheels truck over a bunch of school busses and twice as many drunks while Florence Henderson [...]
Attention lonely geeks! “Drunk” is only a superpower at Red Sox games and ex-girlfriends’ weddings.
MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.
TUESDAY – Television. Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.
WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.
THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.
FRIDAY – Fantasy, Sci-fi, and comics. Like living in your parents’ basement only without the inherent desperation. Well…