Where’s Lex Luthor When We Need Him?

Frequent thedailyjim.com contributor, Billy D. called late-night, as he sometimes does.  “Duke (I have no idea why he calls me that, but he always does.)! Duke, we’ve got a supervillain problem.  Do you think that cat lady thief in New York City and that dude who dresses as Darth Vader to rob banks have the same boss?”

“What, at like Wal-mart?  That would explain why they don’t have great costumes and …”

“No you idiot,”  He interrupted.  “Do you think they’re part of some sort of syndicate of evil?”

“Are you asking my if I think the guys who battled the Superfriends … if I think the Legion of Doom is real? Of course I do.  I just think they need a better PR machine.”

“Good!  This real world superhero thing is out of hand!  There must be checks and balances Duke!  What’s a hero without an appropriate villain?  I’ll tell you what.  A whack-o in spandex, that’s what.”  Then he hung up the phone.

I assumed Billy D. was referring to the growing prevalence of the Real Life Superhero Project that registers and provides support for citizen vigilantes.  Several heroes just appeared as recruiters during this year’s Foo Fest right here in Providence.

Now, nobody likes street crime, except street criminals.  So supervillains would have to step up their game (quit it with the muggings and shootings you dopes!) and their theatricality -calling cards; little puzzles for crime-fighters to solve, moving them one step closer to apprehending these daring scoundrels.  None of this online “crime” either!  Supercriminals get off their butts and mix it up with good guys!  They don’t live with their mom because the rent is free and Monday is meatloaf night. No.  They live in poorly lit, but lavishly decorated secret lairs.

An over-the-top evil union of costumed desperadoes would not only provide nemeses for heroes but also make the morning paper more fun to read.  “The Wretched  Diamond Cutter has Struck Again!” “The Scorpion Brothers Foiled by Madame Midnight!”

I hate to say it but … Billy D. is right.  Regular criminals have run-ins with regular cops. These crooks need to give up crime and get a job at Game Stop or really commit to the lifestyle.  If people are going to get all gussied up then throw the word “super” in front of “hero” they should be prepared for the A game of evil, not some jerk doing 40 in a 35.  I appreciate their efforts, really, but let’s see how they do against robot spiders or mad scientists.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 18th, 2010 at 4:40 pm.
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My So-Called Zombie Life

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• Question from Colonel Samuel Doyle, stationed where Denver used to be

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• Question from Karl, lurking somewhere in the woods

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Staff writers for thedailyjim can be contacted regarding freelance assignments, project consultations, and ego boosts. Your hair looks great, by the way. All content on this page is creator owned unless otherwise noted.

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