In Defense of Jaws 3-D

Jaws 3-D gets a bad rap!  Sharks attacking Sea World is actually a pretty awesome idea.  Trapping an angry Louis Gossett Jr. in a glass, underwater control room and watching him Hulk out is even better.  Satcking a pre Back to the Future Lea Thompson on top of a water skiing pyramid sweetens the pot.  Add a post Breaking Away Dennis Quaid as Mike, the oldest son of Chief “you’re gonna need a bigger boat” Brody and you’ve got the makings of a pretty watchable popcorn movie.  Now, throw that whole thing in 1983, migraine inducing 3-D and freakin’ Avatar can go take a flying leap.

There’s really no down side.  It’s not derivative like Jaws 2 or flat out weird like Jaws 4(sharks with lion roars and a Hatfield vs. McCoy style long standing grudge against any Brody that swims or floats on their turf). Unfortunately you can’t watch it in 3-D anymore, but they left in all the long shots of skeletons pointing into the camera and dolphins attempting to break the fourth wall and click-clack directly with the audience.

It’s a Shark Week Classic!  As is this little Thursday bonus:

About six months ago Stephen Taubman at staubman.com posted a chart he worked up after seeing Debbie Gibson’s Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus (not to be confused with her yet to be completed, Mega-Shark vs. Gatoroid).  We’ve been holding on to it, just waiting for Shark Week!  I hope he does one that runs the stats on Debbie Gibson vs. Tiffany! You can see the poster in a larger image by clicking the link above.

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 5th, 2010 at 5:08 pm.
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My So-Called Zombie Life

• I wrote this Q & A for the November 2009 issue of Geek Monthly, where it was published in a slightly different format as “Ask a Zombie.”

  
  
  

• When I was alive I’d fight a zombie, but never wonder, “How’s this guy spending the rest of his time?” Die and learn I guess.  I will now attempt to answer just a few questions that I’d wish someone had taken the time from stalking and eating to answer for me when I was first [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Megan currently trapped inside the Old Navy in Forest Springs Mall, NJ

  “Why do the undead always look like they’re falling apart?  It’s really gross!” You’re referring to “body rot,” Megan.  As unsightly as it may be, zombies are literally falling apart due to decay. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be tidy.  I mean, I know guys with bugs crawling on them who are just plain [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Candice, hiding upstairs in your house

  “Sssssssssseeeeeeeth?” I know you’re hungry, but try to control your appetite.  There will always be dopes in the world; they’ll practically wander right up to you. I say, stick to gnawing on them, there is no shame in eating the slow or dim witted. The smart ones run really fast!  And good for them! If [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Professor Janice Warburton at Reanimation Laboratories, Gillette, Louisiana

  “Do zombies eat human brains exclusively?” Fact: Zombies eat whatever we can get our rotting hands on, brains, legs, intestine… I personally, enjoy throats and arms (man that’s just plain good eatin’).  I don’t know how this brain thing got started; there are worse misconceptions out there though, so this one is low priority.

  
  
  

• Question from Brian seat-belted in the back of a burned out school bus, OH

  “Grrrrrrrrrrawwwww! Mmmmmmmaaa?” Brian, Don’t bother trying to speak to the living.  They don’t get it!  In fact, they won’t get it until some drooling sap takes a bite out of them.  Generally they’re too busy screaming, running the other way, or spouting tough guy sound bites to listen to your rational. I have never gotten [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Colonel Samuel Doyle, stationed where Denver used to be

  “How do I know if I’m dealing with a slow zombie or a fast zombie before I get too close?” Me? I’m a throw back; I walk everywhere.  I mean, I’m already undead, what’s the hurry?  Some of these young guys like to run, mostly because it surprises the hell out of the living.  However, [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Karl, lurking somewhere in the woods

  “Hoo? Glurgggg?  Hooooooooooo?  Hoo? What about animal zombies, you ask?  I can’t tell you how many times newbies ask me this one.  My advice is always the same, if you can actually catch an animal and bite it while resisting the urge to eat the whole thing, more power to you.  Wildlife is both tasty [...]

  
  
  

• Question from “Anonymous,” drinking the last 7-11 Slurpees on freaking Earth in Pawtucket, RI

  “I heard that the government is working on a cure with some big drug companies.  I really hate freakin’ zombies… I wish you’d all die!” Great.  Thanks.  You don’t really get how this works do you?  I know where that 7-11 is by the way.  For the record, there is no cure for zombism.  A [...]

  
  
  

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Staff writers for thedailyjim can be contacted regarding freelance assignments, project consultations, and ego boosts. Your hair looks great, by the way. All content on this page is creator owned unless otherwise noted.

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