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All the wit that's fit to spit

Friday, April 20, 2018

Would You Let Fonzie Live in Your House With Your Teenage Daughter?

Last week in his Super Mega-Mailbag, Part II’s Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, received this comment from Brendon P. in Cedar Falls, Iowa:

“I nominate Jor-El for worst parent of the century. It’s highly irresponsible to put a naked baby in a space ship made of sharp rocks. It’s a good thing there is no child services on Krypton or his ass would be locked up.”

The Sports guy’s response was a simple, “Well, I guess it’s time.”


While staffers are big fans of Bill Simmons, we thought his answer could use a little further exploration – we actually wish Brendon P. wrote to us first ( NOTE – Brendon P., our intern, Ben, will be coming to Cedar Falls to interview you as soon as he earns enough by returning cans and bottles to pay for the trip).

Jor-El is a great example of really sketchy parenting that happened to work out.  A theoretical baby Superman could just have easily rocketed into a theoretical black hole. Bam! Lois Lane would probably have become Batman’s problem. Likewise, Howard and Marion Cunningham renting their garage apartment to sex-crazed Fonzie could have taken Happy Days down a dark road with Joanie always hanging around!  That guy, in addition to Pinky Tuscadero, was also “dating” several sets of twins!

The Karate Kid’s mom: “So Daniel, you’re getting beat up at school by a pack of milk money mini-ninjas … That’s too bad.  You know that creepy little man who’s always looking at you needs someone to wax his cars and paint his fence.  That should take care of your problem.”

There’s no way she could have called that one!  Just like real parenting, a good deal of luck is involved in decision making.  But if you’re a cop, like that dad from Twilight, you might also want to run a background check on your daughter’s new vampire boyfriend.  He’s like 105 and still a senior in high school!  Your tax dollars at work.

My wife, Red, tried to explain where the parents were on Gossip Girl, but I got distracted (Ben has since been tasked with watching Season 1 and reporting back).   Did you know one of those kids wears an ascot like Mr. Howell?


4 responses to “Would You Let Fonzie Live in Your House With Your Teenage Daughter?”

  1. Krypton TMZ says:

    I think the truth can finally be told now. Jor-El obviously got the DNA tests back and he was not the baby daddy of the bastard aka Clark Kent. Look at the facial structure, no similarity.

  2. Krypton TMZ says:

    I think the truth can finally be told now. Jor-El obviously got the DNA tests back and he was not the baby daddy of the bastard aka Clark Kent. Look at the facial structure, no similarity.

  3. Red says:

    i believe chuck bass would call it a neckerchief.

  4. The Gentleman says:

    Is it an Ascot or is it a Cravat?

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