Summer in New York Means Pythons, Englishmen Eating Hot Dogs, and all Manner of Bandits

As usual New York was alight with weirdness this past week.   A python menaced the Bronx; a guy in Brooklyn survived getting hit in the head by a bolt of lightning; and Mayor Bloomberg treated British Prime Minister, David Cameron to a dirty water dog he bought from an cranky street vendor.  Business as usual.

However, in the wake of the last month’s Cat Woman Bandit (who remains at large after robbing fancy lady stores with nothing but a kitty cat mask and a note), the number of themed villains seems to be on the rise in the big city (just like in the comics, before some criminal mastermind brings them all together in a Legion of Doom type scenario).  There’s the Oxygen-Toting Robber, the Babe Bandit, and the Bouquet Bandit (who apparently is quite polite).  None with the style or eloquence of the Cat Woman; one, sadly, died and the other two are in custody.  The only guy who looks likely to make a splash in New York crime is (an this should be no surprise) Darth Vader, who has moved from hassling Princess Leia on the Six Train to holding up banks on Long Island (also, no surprise).

It would be easy for Lex Luthor or Avon Barksdale to come in and start unionizing the mutts into a evil syndicate, but deep down I’d like to see another bandit tackle The Big Apple.

This entry was posted on Monday, July 26th, 2010 at 1:45 pm.
File under general. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

Comments Closed

blog comments powered by Disqus

My So-Called Zombie Life

• I wrote this Q & A for the November 2009 issue of Geek Monthly, where it was published in a slightly different format as “Ask a Zombie.”

  
  
  

• When I was alive I’d fight a zombie, but never wonder, “How’s this guy spending the rest of his time?” Die and learn I guess.  I will now attempt to answer just a few questions that I’d wish someone had taken the time from stalking and eating to answer for me when I was first [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Megan currently trapped inside the Old Navy in Forest Springs Mall, NJ

  “Why do the undead always look like they’re falling apart?  It’s really gross!” You’re referring to “body rot,” Megan.  As unsightly as it may be, zombies are literally falling apart due to decay. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be tidy.  I mean, I know guys with bugs crawling on them who are just plain [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Candice, hiding upstairs in your house

  “Sssssssssseeeeeeeth?” I know you’re hungry, but try to control your appetite.  There will always be dopes in the world; they’ll practically wander right up to you. I say, stick to gnawing on them, there is no shame in eating the slow or dim witted. The smart ones run really fast!  And good for them! If [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Professor Janice Warburton at Reanimation Laboratories, Gillette, Louisiana

  “Do zombies eat human brains exclusively?” Fact: Zombies eat whatever we can get our rotting hands on, brains, legs, intestine… I personally, enjoy throats and arms (man that’s just plain good eatin’).  I don’t know how this brain thing got started; there are worse misconceptions out there though, so this one is low priority.

  
  
  

• Question from Brian seat-belted in the back of a burned out school bus, OH

  “Grrrrrrrrrrawwwww! Mmmmmmmaaa?” Brian, Don’t bother trying to speak to the living.  They don’t get it!  In fact, they won’t get it until some drooling sap takes a bite out of them.  Generally they’re too busy screaming, running the other way, or spouting tough guy sound bites to listen to your rational. I have never gotten [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Colonel Samuel Doyle, stationed where Denver used to be

  “How do I know if I’m dealing with a slow zombie or a fast zombie before I get too close?” Me? I’m a throw back; I walk everywhere.  I mean, I’m already undead, what’s the hurry?  Some of these young guys like to run, mostly because it surprises the hell out of the living.  However, [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Karl, lurking somewhere in the woods

  “Hoo? Glurgggg?  Hooooooooooo?  Hoo? What about animal zombies, you ask?  I can’t tell you how many times newbies ask me this one.  My advice is always the same, if you can actually catch an animal and bite it while resisting the urge to eat the whole thing, more power to you.  Wildlife is both tasty [...]

  
  
  

• Question from “Anonymous,” drinking the last 7-11 Slurpees on freaking Earth in Pawtucket, RI

  “I heard that the government is working on a cure with some big drug companies.  I really hate freakin’ zombies… I wish you’d all die!” Great.  Thanks.  You don’t really get how this works do you?  I know where that 7-11 is by the way.  For the record, there is no cure for zombism.  A [...]

  
  
  

About the Daily Jim

Staff writers for thedailyjim can be contacted regarding freelance assignments, project consultations, and ego boosts. Your hair looks great, by the way. All content on this page is creator owned unless otherwise noted.

• Facebook
• Flickr
• Last.fm
• RSS
• Twitter