Last week in his Super Mega-Mailbag, Part II ESPN.com’s Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, received this comment from Brendon P. in Cedar Falls, Iowa:

“I nominate Jor-El for worst parent of the century. It’s highly irresponsible to put a naked baby in a space ship made of sharp rocks. It’s a good thing there is no child services on Krypton or his ass would be locked up.”

The Sports guy’s response was a simple, “Well, I guess it’s time.”

While thedailyjim.com staffers are big fans of Bill Simmons, we thought his answer could use a little further exploration – we actually wish Brendon P. wrote to us first ( NOTE – Brendon P., our intern, Ben, will be coming to Cedar Falls to interview you as soon as he earns enough by returning cans and bottles to pay for the trip).

Jor-El is a great example of really sketchy parenting that happened to work out.  A theoretical baby Superman could just have easily rocketed into a theoretical black hole. Bam! Lois Lane would probably have become Batman’s problem. Likewise, Howard and Marion Cunningham renting their garage apartment to sex-crazed Fonzie could have taken Happy Days down a dark road with Joanie always hanging around!  That guy, in addition to Pinky Tuscadero, was also “dating” several sets of twins!

The Karate Kid’s mom: “So Daniel, you’re getting beat up at school by a pack of milk money mini-ninjas … That’s too bad.  You know that creepy little man who’s always looking at you needs someone to wax his cars and paint his fence.  That should take care of your problem.”

There’s no way she could have called that one!  Just like real parenting, a good deal of luck is involved in decision making.  But if you’re a cop, like that dad from Twilight, you might also want to run a background check on your daughter’s new vampire boyfriend.  He’s like 105 and still a senior in high school!  Your tax dollars at work.

My wife, Red, tried to explain where the parents were on Gossip Girl, but I got distracted (Ben has since been tasked with watching Season 1 and reporting back).   Did you know one of those kids wears an ascot like Mr. Howell?

Pop Culture has a long tradition of compelling rivalries that spur interest we didn’t know we had – Jack vs. Sawyer, Coke vs. Pepsi, Betty vs. Veronica, Biggie vs. Tupac, Mc Donald’s vs. Burger King, Jerry vs. Newman, Godzilla vs. King Kong.  Often these competitions serve to better creativity or innovation in each other, sometimes both are destroyed in the process.  This is something else entirely!

The SyFy channel has release the first rough footage of Mega Shark vs. Gatoroid, the movie which also marks the latent onscreen antagonism between Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.  Thirty-something adolescent boys have been waiting twenty years for this and… well … don’t get your hopes up the way I did (my interests include Tiffany and anything with “mega” in the title), it ain’t the Thrilla in Manila (I don’t think they’d allow this in Manila, and my buddy, Rocket, once bought a human face there!)

You can watch the battle rage campily at Mega-Gibson vs. Tiffanyoid

Remember when Vince Neil wanted to fight Axl Rose?  Yeah, this video will make you wish for that.

As usual New York was alight with weirdness this past week.   A python menaced the Bronx; a guy in Brooklyn survived getting hit in the head by a bolt of lightning; and Mayor Bloomberg treated British Prime Minister, David Cameron to a dirty water dog he bought from an cranky street vendor.  Business as usual.

However, in the wake of the last month’s Cat Woman Bandit (who remains at large after robbing fancy lady stores with nothing but a kitty cat mask and a note), the number of themed villains seems to be on the rise in the big city (just like in the comics, before some criminal mastermind brings them all together in a Legion of Doom type scenario).  There’s the Oxygen-Toting Robber, the Babe Bandit, and the Bouquet Bandit (who apparently is quite polite).  None with the style or eloquence of the Cat Woman; one, sadly, died and the other two are in custody.  The only guy who looks likely to make a splash in New York crime is (an this should be no surprise) Darth Vader, who has moved from hassling Princess Leia on the Six Train to holding up banks on Long Island (also, no surprise).

It would be easy for Lex Luthor or Avon Barksdale to come in and start unionizing the mutts into a evil syndicate, but deep down I’d like to see another bandit tackle The Big Apple.

Listen, we all want to be at Comic-Con right now – the new movie screenings, the women dressed as Princess Leia, the tables of comics writers and artists being celebrated for their contributions to popular culture, the faint smell of desperation only slightly masked by Jedi robes and zombie make up, all of it!  The thing is, it’s kind of this black hole of geek that no popular (or unpopular) culture nerd can escape until Monday.

With that said, we, at thedailyjim.com, have decided to celebrate those of us not at Comic-Con by offering something AWESOME, yet unlikely to be seen there: Nothing but pictures of Bill Cosby wearing colorful sweaters.   Now go have a beer and a Jell-O Pudding Pop and enjoy the weekend.

Last week we decided to rank 10 Hollywood Senior Citizens Who Could Beat You in a Fight based on this demanding criteria: “Who, over the age of 65, is still capable of walking into your house on Thanksgiving, punching you in the face, then walking out, scot-free, with either a delicious drumstick or your sister’s phone number?”

The response to this has been crazy, mostly through e-mail, texts, and the people of Providence yelling the names of old men at my intern, Ben.  We, in the thedailyjim.com offices, have been taking a look at some of the overlooked elderly who weren’t considered for our first Top Ten.  The list is pretty intimidating.  When possible, we added quotes from you, the people, defending your graying champions.  Here we go!

10.  Lee Majors

Born: 1939

Arguably toughest role: Colonel Steve Austin in The Six-Million Dollar Man

1d10tch1ld says:  “The Fall Guy will mess you up!  He’s f-ing bionic.  Now, leave Betty White alone!”

Guy we’re hoping will follow in his footsteps: Tom Berenger

9.  Harrison Ford

Born: 1942

Arguably toughest role: Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back

Alqawen says:  “HARRISON FORD?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

Sizod agrees: “Harrison Ford, good one! 68yr old. Wow! He tricks us by wearing his pants a lot lower than other gentleman his age.”

Guy we’re hoping will follow in his footsteps: Kurt Russell

* NOTE: Our original omission of Dr. Jones was based on his recent exploits; lately he doesn’t kick your ass until you kidnap someone in his family.*

8.  Louis Gossett Jr.

Born: 1936

Arguably toughest role: Sergeant Emil Foley in An Officer and a Gentleman (No one better mention Iron Eagle)

Our experts say:  “Yeah… that one’s on us.  Lou Gossett  might have only one or two punches left in him, but I don’t want ‘em used on me. I saw Diggstown just last week!”

Guy we’re hoping will follow in his footsteps: Denzel Washington if we can get another Man on Fire(2004).

7.  Scott Glenn

Born: 1941

Arguably toughest role: Creasy in the original Man on Fire (1987)

Our experts say:  “Scott Glenn falls into that Sam Elliot model.  He’s pretty slight, but fast – even is laugh is tough.”

Guy we’re hoping will follow in his footsteps: Willem Defoe

6.  Charles Napier

Born: 1936

Arguably toughest role: Marshall Murdock in Rambo: First Blood Part II

The guy who yelled at Ben on Fulton Street says:  “Napier, Charles.  Look him up, Kitty Cat!”

Guy we’re hoping will follow in his footsteps: David Keith (look him up, Kitty Cat!)

5. John Amos

Born: 1939

Arguably toughest role: James Evans Sr. on Good Times

TVsmemory says: ” Remember the dad from Good Times, he kicked the stuffing out of Bruce Willis in Die Hard 2, until he got sucked into that airplane engine.”

Guy we’re hoping will follow in his footsteps: John Goodman

4. Harvey Keitel

Born: 1939

Arguably toughest role: The Bad Lieutenant

Our experts say: “We just never think of him as THAT old.”

Guy we’re hoping will follow in his footsteps: Dennis Quiad (guy’s already 56)

3. Gene Hackman

Born: 1930

Arguably toughest role: Little Bill Daggett in Unforgiven

LZA, who cornered me at a child’s birthday party, says: “Your little list is flawed.  Gene Hackman would break your neck right here in front of the kids.”

Guy we’re hoping will follow in his footsteps: Dennis Haysbert

2. Kirk Douglas

Born: 1916

Arguably toughest role: Living to be 94 without laying down and dying.  “Rome has come to us.”

Sizod says: “Kirk Douglas, he is 7000 years old and can’t be killed”

Our experts say: “This one gets filed under “Give Credit Where credit is Due!”

Guy we’re hoping will follow in his footsteps: At this point the guy has created himself a new category.  But we’re all kind of hoping Ed Harris steps up.

1. Gary Busey

Born: 1944

Arguably toughest role: Mr. Joshua in Lethal Weapon

Laura says: “How about Gary Busey? He may not not the strongest, but he is Bulletproof and would kick your ass. ButtHorn!”

Our experts say: “Crazy goes a long way.  Crazy and old gets you the #1 spot”

Guy we’re hoping will follow in his footsteps: Steven Seagal

It goes without saying that The Cosby Show was the high water mark for ’80s family sitcoms.  Any parallel to one of its contemporaries would be misplaced.  Two other notable shows from that era, however, Family Ties and Growing Pains are ripe for comparison.  We run the numbers to see who comes out on top in a segment we’re calling (cue trumpet): uhmm …ok,  Family Ties vs. Growing Pains: Heavy on the Hugs and Life Lessons, Light on the Steel Cage Quality You’re Probably Looking for in a Match-Up of this Variety.

TOTAL NUMBER OF SEASONS

Family Ties: 7

Growing Pains: 7

Winner: It’s a push (You can’t really count those Growing Pains movies, because … well, they were dumb.)

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TOTAL NUMBER OF KIDS

Family Ties: 4(Alex, Mallory, Jennifer, and obligatory ratings booster, Andy)

Growing Pains: 41/2 (Mike, Carol, Ben, obligatory ratings booster, Chrissy, as well as further heart-string tugger and live in waif, Luke)

Winner: Growing Pains (They had an extra kid running around the house and I think Eddie was squatting in Mike’s apartment for a while too.)

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MOST NOTABLE GUEST STARS

Family Ties: Tom Hanks(as vanilla extract drinking, Uncle Ned), Geena Davis

Growing Pains: Brad Pitt (Twice! Each time as a different character.), Leonardo DiCAprio (A cast member for one season)

Winner: Family Ties ( Tom Hanks was already makin’ it happen on Bosom Buddies during his Family Ties days.  No one could have banked on the Pitt becoming Mr. Aniston/Jolie)

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DORKIEST SIDE-KICK

Family Ties: Skippy Handleman

Growing Pains: Boner Stabone

Winner: Growing Pains (Skippy’s preoccupation with Mallory wore pretty thin after a while and Boner consistently mined comedy gold simply by uttering, “Gee, Mikey. I don’t know.”)

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EARLY APPEARANCE BY SOMEONE ON FRIENDS

Family Ties: Courtney Cox as Alex’s long suffering girlfriend, Lauren

Growing Pains:  Matthew Perry as Carol’s soon to be dead boyfriend, Sandy

Winner: The Cox … errr… Family Ties! Hands down. (C’mon “Sandy/Chandler?” Odd that they wound up together on Friends though.)

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CHEESIEST OPEN THEME

Family Ties: “Without Us” sung by Johnny Mathis (Sha-la-la-la)

Growing Pains:”As Long as We’ve Got Each Other” sung by B.J. Thomas (So, don’t waste another minute on your cryin’)

Winner:  We all lose when absentmindedly singing one of these ditties within earshot of those who will undoubtedly mock us.

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MOST VERY SPECIAL “VERY SPECIAL EPISODE”

Family Ties: Season 2: “Speed Trap” – Alex gets hooked on amphetamines so he can stay up late to study, putting Mallory in a dilemma -betray her brother’s trust or get him the help he needs.

Growing Pains: Season 2: “Thank God it’s Friday”- Mike, along with Eddie and Boner, attend a college party and are offered cocaine in the bathroom.  Mike is adamantly against drugs, but his friends are eager to fit in with the older crowd. Can he convince them to “just say no” before it ruins their lives or their friendship?

Winner: Family Ties (Alex actually ingests the drugs, while Mike is only politely offered them.)

THE OLDEST SON AND THE LADIES

Family Ties: High schooler, Alex loses his virginity in Season 1:”summer of ‘82″ to a college Economy major who breaks his heart the next day.  Michael J. Fox later goes on to marry on-screen girlfriend, Tracy Pollan.

Growing Pains: Mike can’t quite seal the deal with an aggressive Dana Plato (dressed as a teenage Madonna clone) in his parents’ bed during Season 1: “Mike’s Madonna Story.” Kirk Cameron  later goes on to marry on-screen girlfriend, Chelsea Noble.

Winner: Family Ties (Alex discusses the matter with his father afterward.  A bold and awkward move since you can’t un-ring that bell.  Mike on the other hand, spoke with his mom, “She wanted to sleep with me and I didn’t do it!  I’m probably gay!  Are you happy now?” It just got creepy after that.)

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OVERALL WINNER

Family Ties (Although your series of equally ridiculous criteria may vary the outcome, please feel obligated to use the “comments” field for that purpose. Sha-la-la-la.)

While the rest of the geek community is packing up their capes and social anxieties to head to Comic Con, we at thedailyjim.com remain behind to report on nerd news not happening in San Diego … also, we couldn’t scrape together the funds for tickets and travel without cutting into the money we were saving for Growing Pains: The Complete Series box set (almost there, Carol Seaver, you magnificent, suburban jewel).  Regardless, on to the disturbingly misguided product of the day.

Cashing in on the very real threat of zombies, the trend mongers at Harcos Labratories have just released a line on zombie jerky called “Teriyucky” that will allegedly make you more human than human.  Wait …. what?

From the FAQ’s page of the livingwithbloodlust.com site: “This jerky used to be a part of a zombie who had green blood flowing through it. Did we also mention that it has a whole 11 grams of protein? That makes it awesome, especially for the body builders on the run. Leave the protein bars at home and bring a bag of this delicious green jerky with you for during your workout routines and zombie hunting expeditions.”

To editorialize, we shouldn’t be teaching our children, or our bodybuilders, that it’s okay to eat zombies, no matter what color blood they have!  That jerky used to be somebody’s grandma!  And now that she’s undead and gross, you want to eat her?  I don’t think the science is quite right either.  It’s like feeding zombie bacon to another pig!

Figure 1.1 (below) clearly outlines the natural order of the food chain.

Our research shows the results of other experiments in eating zombie flesh.  See Figure 1.2 (below).

There was a time on prime time television when any small time villain worth his evil could hire himself a ninja to serve as silent bodyguard or surefooted thief.  Eventually these noble, but misguided, warriors from the East would all be defeated by a good ol’ American haymaker punch – a staple of ’80s action fighting. But that’s not the point.

The point is that in 1984 the ninja could not be contained by one low rated, white-bread action-drama staring the Salami from The White Shadow and Sentenza from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.  Eventually they wanted to see the rest of TV Land, and what better way than as fearsome ethnic thugs?  Unfortunately for them, the open shirted, hair tussled, American do-gooders who roamed the country side at the time also watched The Master.

Occasionally, Michael Knight and his talking car needed to take a break from fighting his diabolical twin brother and a talking eighteen wheeler; and who were they gonna take on?  Aliens? Nope; no cool throwing stars.  When the Incredible Hulk wanted to find a way to relax, he didn’t take up knitting!  He found himself a dojo so he could learn delicate art of … well … that didn’t work out too well because Hulk not remember “delicate” part so good; but he sure gave those highly trained assassins what for.  If you had the money to pay the A-Team, that meant that they had to finish the job, whether it was as simple as a couple of rowdy lumberjacks hassling a local stripper or as deadly as a clan of shadow warriors protecting a drug shipment.  It was on Hannibal and the boys to deal with what came their way; you paid the fee, they kick the ass.  Even our pal, Magnum, P.I., liked the idea of tussling with the shinobi once in a while – providing a black contrast to his colorful aloha shirts.

Okay, perhaps Crockett and Tubbs took it a little too far when they failed to stop a ninja blood feud from washing up in Miami?  But that was the beauty of the ninja – you never knew when they would show up, you just knew they would (for an entire decade).

Today, CSI (and CSI: New York, and CSI: Miami, and CSI: Hogwarts Academy) has the technology and uncanny sleuthing to demystify the ninja and Chuck has given everyone ninja skills with a brain download.  So what’s a highly trained, out of work, agent of stealth, and bringer of doom supposed to do?  Drop the masks, lose the hardware and turn into sexy vampires. This will keep you sneaking around the channels for a few years until we forget all about ninjas and you can mount your counterattack on television.

Last month New York City was in the clutches of sexy Russian spies and bandits dressed as cats.  It was awesome!  Just the way comics have always told me New York should be! Well, this week, summer in the big city took a decidedly, sci-fi turn (Is “awesomer” a word?).

The New York Times reported that a ship was unearthed 30 feet below the foundation of the the World Trade Center during continued site excavation.  Sadly, no aliens, but quick archaeological tests indicated that it is a sailing vessel from the late 1700s.  Weird enough; but now it’s disintegrating right in front of scientists’ eyes.  This thing hasn’t had air or sunlight in over 200 years, so now it’s literally vanishing back into history.  It’s like one of those time travel episodes of Lost, only unlike that damn “Black Rock” ship that was stuck in the middle of the jungle, Hurley’s not getting his Ranch dressing covered hands on this one.

And while we’re underground on our Big Apple visit let’s take a ride on the famed New York City subway, that was recently taken over by Darth Vader and several Stormtroopers.  Times are tough on everyone, even the Galactic Empire, so Vader has had to move operations underground – sharing space with mole men, alligators, and C.H.U.D.  Good news for the dark side is that Princess Leia takes the 6 Train to Rebel Headquarters on her morning commute.

(Cue the snare drum) That’s why they call New York the “Empire State!”  (BA-DUM-CHING!)

Yes, I know that joke’s in the title, but … I though … because it was funny that … Just watch the video. HERE

Our usually ridiculous banter around the office has finally revealed something semi-intelligible!  And … we owe it all to Sylvester Stallone’s The Expendables!

I know!  I was surprised too.  But his collective of ‘80s action icon really got us thinking about who’s as tough as they once were. I guess, somewhere in our collective psyche we all believe that the movie heroes of our youth can still kick our asses, even as geriatrics.

We decided to rank Hollywood’s senior citizen tough guys. Our one criteria was simple in its stupidity: Who, over the age of 65, is still capable of walking into your house on Thanksgiving, punching you in the face, then walking out, scot-free, with either a delicious drumstick or your sister’s phone number?  Let’s find out!

10.  Bill Duke

Born: 1943

Arguably toughest role: Mac in Predator

Our experts say:  “I don’t care how old he is, Bill Duke has hands like frozen turkeys!  How do you combat that?”

9. Sam Elliot

Born: 1944

Arguably toughest role: Wade Garrett in Road House

Our experts say: “The guy only plays bikers, soldiers, or cowboys.  There’s a reason for that.”

8.  Terence Stamp

Born: 1939

Arguably toughest role: General Zod in Superman II

Our experts say:  “Don’t confuse charm for weakness.  Didn’t you people see The Limey?”

7. Ian McShane

Born: 1942

Arguably toughest role: Al Swearengen in Deadwood

Our experts say:  “I don’t think this guy got tough until his 50s, so there’s minimal drop-off in his scary factor.”

6. Jon Voight

Born: 1938

Arguably toughest role: Ed Gentry in Deliverance

Our experts say: “Angelina Jolie’s dad is no joke.  I’m surprised Billy Bob Thornton’s still walking the planet!”

5. Sean Connery

Born: 1930

Arguably toughest role: James Bond in Dr. No

Our experts say: “Connery’s a former Mr. Universe contestant; plus he’s always in a bad mood, Trebek.”

4. James Cann

Born: 1940

Arguably toughest role: Sonny Corleone in The Godfather

Our experts say: “Jimmy Caan’s not real big, but he’d stab you in the eye just to make a point.”

3. Danny Trejo

Born: 1944

Arguably toughest role: Uhhhhh, being a jailhouse boxer!  Okay, okay … Cucuy from Once Upon a Time in Mexico

Our experts say:  “He was in prison before Robert Rodriguez made him (and that humongous bandita chest tattoo of his) a staple of villainy.”

2. Michael Caine

Born: 1933

Arguably toughest role: Jack Carter in Get Carter(1971)

Our experts say: “Americans never really get the fearsome Caine.  We get Blame it on Rio and Cider House Rules.  Many Brits would put him in the #1 spot without question.”

1. Clint Eastwood

Born: 1930

Arguably toughest role: Philo Beddoe from Every Which Way But Loose/ Any Which Way You Can

Our experts say:  “He only wears high waisted pants to block stray kidney punches.  Don’t be fooled, Dirty Harry would own you in a brawl!”

Old Men Who Just Missed the List

Burt Reynolds – “The quintuple bypass has temporarily benched the Bandit”

Billy Dee Williams – “Lando ranks pretty high, but he’s a bit too cheery for this list.”

Keith Richards – “Keith’s only strength is that no one knows how to kill him.”

Lee Marvin – “The guy’s been dead since 1987, but I’ll bet he can still go a couple rounds.”

Tough, But Not Old Enough … Yet

Kurt Russell, Mr. T, Ray Liotta, Edward James Olmos, Mickey Rourke, and Carl Weathers

Omissions that We’re Prepared to Take Heat About

Sylvester Stallone(even though he’s only 64), Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, and Christopher Walken