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The Daily Jim

All the wit that's fit to spit

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Archive for June, 2010

My Youth 2.0: Hollywood’s Selling my Childhood Back to me

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

They can take my childhood, but they can never take my dignity – that has been gone for quite some time thanks to an unfortunate incident in 1991 involving a date with Tiffany Poppashot, the movie, Highlander II: The Quickening, and one too many Long island Ice-Teas.  But I digress…

How important am I to Hollywood?  I have managed to outlive my useful demographic of 18-35.  I wait for most movies to be released on Netflix rather than spend money in the theater.  I don’t think Anthony Hopkins likes me, and I don’t care how “Young Hollywood” feels about me.  With all that said, it seems that Hollywood is insistent on mining my childhood for content, then selling it back to me packed with a lot more CGI.  It’s kind of like Tyler Durden’s Paper Street Soap Company, “selling rich women their own fat asses back to them.”  Reviewing it now, the things that I cherished as a child don’t seem that impressive, but the entertainment industry thinks differently.  To them, my “fat ass” is fancy soap.  Let’s run down the stats:

In the past two years I have witnessed a second Lost Boys, a third Universal Soldier, a fourth each of Rambo, Terminator, and Die Hard, a sixth Rocky, and new Knight Rider and V series. Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, Prom Night, and My Blood Valentine have all been “rebooted.”  Vince Neil, Gene Simmons, Bret Michaels, and Hulk Hogan are reality show staples and Joan Jett had a biopic.  I have suffered through a remake of We are the World, when a new song would have served better.  This summer I will fight with Predators, The A-Team, and The Karate Kid while learning from Gordon Gekko on Wall Street.  While in the fall The Smurfs and the Wolverines of Red Dawn will attack theaters. Movies like Back to the Future is being converted into a video games and games like Battleship are being turned into movies.  If you think there’s nothing left, you are wrong!  Footloose, Thundercats, Police Academy, Private Benjamin are all in some form of production.

So I take this opportunity to challenge the people in charge to make profitable (they don’t even have to be “good” – no one would notice) the following things for the 21st Century:

  1. The freakin’ Snorks
  2. ALF
  3. Small Wonder
  4. Garbage Pail Kids
  5. Urkel.  (I never thought I’d have to rely on Urkel again)

Now, move on to the ’90’s already!  Just please leave me my memories of Whitesnake, They Live, It’s Your Move, and Tiffany’s mall tour.

Mole Man’s Match.com Profile

Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

SUPERVILLAIN READY TO COME OUT OF HIDING200px-Mole_Man_001

NAME: MoleMan61

Mature man seeking international women 18-99

Operating from secret tunnels throughout the world

For fun: plot revenge against all who mocked me on the surface; destroying the Fantastic Four; baking

Favorite hot spots: I’ve actually seen the stuff the Earth is made from. Let’s see KlubmasterR0me0 show you that!

Favorite things: bad lighting; the company of minions; revenge, sweet revenge; the color “musk”; and Rhode Island taffy; and salsa music

Last read: Journey to the Center of the Earth; The Weather Underground; Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret

About me and what I’m looking for: I run a successful underground, subterranean empire from beneath Manhattan.  We have locations across the globe, including right below the Starbuck’s your sitting in.  I have tried to conquer the surface several times with mixed results, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop working at it!  🙂

My sense of fashion is practical, but unique.  I’m trying to bring back the cape and walking stick (just because I work a lot doesn’t mean I can bring some style to it).

I’m looking for an earthy, all-natural woman who likes to get dirty and will fill me in on what happen in the finale of Lost (I DVR’d it but one of my minions recorded Glee over it).

My last relationship, if you could call it that, was foiled by the Fantastic Four.  I contest that the Invisible Girl DID want to become Queen of my Underworld!  The Human Torch saw it differently.

Jabba the Hutt is Putting Together a Soccer Team and He’s Scouting David Beckham

Monday, June 7th, 2010

The World Cup unites the world in a way the Olympics can’t, by focusing with laser precision on one event (with two names): soccer … ummm… football.  Let loose on this here internets as part of an Adidas joint marketing campaign for the World Cup and its Star Wars line, this ad brings almost every aspect of popular culture into play in one room much like The Cup itself – Snoop Dogg with a lightsaber, Becks, Obi- Wan, football groupies, Han Solo, beer, hipster kids, Noel Gallagher starting a bar fight, that goofy Canadian kid from Undeclared, and the Mos Eisley cantina. The only way to capture every demographic would be to put Kate Gosselin in a chain mail bikini and make her cry.  But that’s why they have sequels, right?

Unfortunately, we still don’t get any answers to the “Greedo shot first” conundrum, but we do get Neil freakin’ Armstrong!

Enjoy the genius here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Zd_khk6zXo

The art below is by a thedailyjim.com favorite, Dave Perillo.

mos eisley

There’s Always Money in the Banana Stand, Michael

Friday, June 4th, 2010

Lucille Bluth, of the Bluth Company, rounds out Forbes magazine’s 15 richest individuals for 2009 fiscal year.  Lucille #1 finally drank her way into the rankings by knocking off Jabba the Hutt and Mr. Monopoly.  Rumors say husband, George Sr., is still pulling the strings from an undisclosed location, but Lucille #1 is the lady cashing the checks.

Lucille-Bluth-Arrested-Development

The honor of this year’s top earner belongs to that blond vampire daddy, Carlisle Cullen with an estimated take of $34.5 billion (although, I still think he looks like Mike Dexter from Can’t Hardly Wait).  Perennial favorites, who again appear on this year’s line up include playboys Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne, as well as “Texas tea” magnate, Jed Calmpett.

My greatest disappointment is that freakin’ Chuck Bass showed up on the list for the first time.  Ben, my intern, however, actually squealed in celebration, like a 11 year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert.  Then he whispered, “XO-XO gossip girl” and tied a napkin around his neck.  It’s Friday, so I didn’t ask (plus Mr. Howell ranked higher … so there’s that).

Here’s the complete list:

1. Carlisle Cullen – $34.5 billion

2. Scrooge McDuck – $33.5 billion

3. Richie Rich – $11.5 billion

4. Tony Stark – $8.8 billion

5. Jeb Clampett – $7.2 billion

6. Adrian Veidt – $7 billion

7. Bruce Wayne – $6.5 billion

8. The Tooth Fairy – $3.5 billion

9. Thurston Howell III – $2.1 billion

10. Sir Topham Hatt – $2 billion

11. Artemis Fowl – $1.9 billion

12. C. Montgomery Burns – $1.3 billion

13. Chuck Bass – $1.1 billion

14. Jay Gatsby – $1 billion

15. Lucille Bluth – $950 million

The 2009 15, their bios and earnings can be read at Forbes.com here.


Help Wanted: British Batman

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010

This was the headline of The Buckinghamshire Advertiser in October, 2008, after residents of Cahlfont St. Peter complained about the rise in criminal activity throughout their village.

bucksbatman

Shortly thereafter two filmmakers made their mark by creating a series of shorts about an average guy answering the ad.  They called it Becoming Batman.  Its second season is up now, too.

Finally in May, 2009 some bloke (silly British words) in London went on a year long crusade to transform his body and skill to Batman’s levels.  His blog, Being Bruce Wayne, outlined his training.  He completed last month and has dropped off this here internets.

batsignal

Will Batman avenge the villagers of Cahlfont St. Peter? Could we be witnessing a “gunslinger for hire” scenario popularized in the American Old West of the 1800’s?  Or was “Bruce Wayne” just prepping for Comic Con in San Diego this July?  

Pillow Fight League Opens doors for Other Great Ways to Waste Time

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010

There is a growing movement among adults in their 20’s and 30’ to recapture the flame of youth.  This can be evidence by the popularity of such organizations as World Adult Kickball Association (WAKA), Canada’s Pillow Fight League (PIL), and the World Rock, Paper, Scissors Society.  Providence’s Not About the Buildings hosts an Adult Spelling Bee.  And Jessica freakin’ Alba’s even calling out Steve Nash on ibeatyou.com to have a staring contest.

Not to be outdone, thedailyjim.com wanted to attempt to cash in on the trend of childhood nostalgia via a series independent events throughout 2010.  I tasked my intern, Ben, with the job of creating competitions that reflected his own youth.  This, unfortunately, is what he came up with:

1. The Walking Only on Odd Colored Department Store Floor Tiles 5K

2. The Holding Your Breath Until You Get Your Way While Secretly Breathing Through Your Nose Challenge

3. The Battle of Imaginary Friends

4. The Great American Booger Hide

Ben is now in danger of becoming an unpaid intern.

Australian Superheroes Win World Record While Thuderdome Construction Begins

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010

On Saturday, while American’s began Memorial Day Weekend, evil spun unchecked across Australia.  On that day 1245 superheroes descended on Melbourne to break the Guinness World Record.  This left the rest of Oz unprotected from Zartan’s Dreanoks, and The Great Humongous from Road Warrior.  In good news, for twelve hours Melbourne was the safest city in the galaxy.

Congratulations Aussie crusaders … now get back to work or that place could degrade into a Thunderdome scenario with Tina Turner calling the shots.

tina

*NOTE* The Wallaby Kid, Madame Eucalyptus, could not be reached for comment.

Melbourne Record for Most People Wearing Superhero Costumes

by Catherine Lambert with AAP May, 29 2010

THE Guinness World Record for the most number of people wearing superhero costumes in one location has been broken in Melbourne.

Melbourne smashed the previous record of 1091 people wearing super hero costumes in the one place held by the UK, when 1245 people gathered at Federation Square.

The CBD was no place for bad guys on Saturday with Superman, Batman, Robin, Wonder Woman, the Green Lantern and other comic book heroes portrayed hundreds of times over by people of all ages, genders, shapes and sizes.

Superman was the most popular hero, closely followed by Batman, Robin and Spider Man. The girls were out in force too, dressed as Wonder Woman, Cat Woman, Super Girl and Hawk Girl.

The managing director of Warner Bros. Consumer Products in Australia, Preston Lewis, shouted triumphantly in his American accent: “We did it, we broke the record my brother.”

“To see all those people, young and old, families, babies in Fed Square was great, they were so enthusiastic,” he said.

The youngest hero was nine-day-old Rhys Hapmton, of Sunbury. His mother, Elise Guymer, said superheroes run in her family.

“He’s following in the footsteps of his two brothers who are always dressing up as Batman,” Ms Guymer said.

“He’s the Bat Baby of the family.”

The event was held to celebrated the 75th anniversary of the release of the first DC comic.

Lessons in Bad Media Franchising and Merchandising

1) Saw 8: The Reality Television Gameshow 2)Live action movie of Hungry, Hungry Hippos 3)The Tonight Show, starring Chewbacca 4) Deadpool vs. Punisher: The Musical 5) The Human Centipede sleeping bag 6) C-Span Live Action Role Playing Group 7) The new Texas Chainsaw Massacre ride at Six Flags Over Texas 8) Your Parents Basement is Always […]

Where is Our Modern Barney Miller?

The single camera glory that was Barney Miller can probably never be reproduced.  There’s heavy debate in the office whether it should be or not. It was essentially a 22-minute, 3-act play with minimal characters and only one set (after Season One that also featured Barney’s dining room at home).  The thing is, the writing […]

Non-John Hughes High School Movies from the ’80s

Yep. Most of the high school biggies were our man, Hughes. But if you can name the 1980s high school movie quotes listed below, your might have been paying attention to something else in ’88 other than the MTV Beach House and that cute girl with freckles in your 11th grade Chemistry class. 5)”Last night, […]

Mark Your Calendar, Nerds!!!

This Weekend is legendary Indy 500.  Please don’t think geekdom is limited to cosplay and app programming.  Oh no, my friends. Two years ago our Mid-West correspondent, Billy D, and I watched those car dorks jump a humongous Hot Wheels truck  over a bunch of school busses and twice as many drunks while Florence Henderson […]

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Attention lonely geeks! “Drunk” is only a superpower at Red Sox games and ex-girlfriends’ weddings.

Gentleman Jim

  • MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.  

  • TUESDAY – Television.  Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.  

  • WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.  

  • THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.  

  • FRIDAY – Fantasy, Sci-fi, and comics.  Like living in your parents’ basement only without the inherent desperation. Well…