They can take my childhood, but they can never take my dignity – that has been gone for quite some time thanks to an unfortunate incident in 1991 involving a date with Tiffany Poppashot, the movie, Highlander II: The Quickening, and one too many Long island Ice-Teas. But I digress…
How important am I to Hollywood? I have managed to outlive my useful demographic of 18-35. I wait for most movies to be released on Netflix rather than spend money in the theater. I don’t think Anthony Hopkins likes me, and I don’t care how “Young Hollywood” feels about me. With all that said, it seems that Hollywood is insistent on mining my childhood for content, then selling it back to me packed with a lot more CGI. It’s kind of like Tyler Durden’s Paper Street Soap Company, “selling rich women their own fat asses back to them.” Reviewing it now, the things that I cherished as a child don’t seem that impressive, but the entertainment industry thinks differently. To them, my “fat ass” is fancy soap. Let’s run down the stats:
In the past two years I have witnessed a second Lost Boys, a third Universal Soldier, a fourth each of Rambo, Terminator, and Die Hard, a sixth Rocky, and new Knight Rider and V series. Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, Prom Night, and My Blood Valentine have all been “rebooted.” Vince Neil, Gene Simmons, Bret Michaels, and Hulk Hogan are reality show staples and Joan Jett had a biopic. I have suffered through a remake of We are the World, when a new song would have served better. This summer I will fight with Predators, The A-Team, and The Karate Kid while learning from Gordon Gekko on Wall Street. While in the fall The Smurfs and the Wolverines of Red Dawn will attack theaters. Movies like Back to the Future is being converted into a video games and games like Battleship are being turned into movies. If you think there’s nothing left, you are wrong! Footloose, Thundercats, Police Academy, Private Benjamin are all in some form of production.
So I take this opportunity to challenge the people in charge to make profitable (they don’t even have to be “good” – no one would notice) the following things for the 21st Century:
- The freakin’ Snorks
- Small Wonder
- Garbage Pail Kids
- Urkel. (I never thought I’d have to rely on Urkel again)
Now, move on to the ’90′s already! Just please leave me my memories of Whitesnake, They Live, It’s Your Move, and Tiffany’s mall tour.