A City Worker Pleas with Spider-Man to Clean up After Himself
Enough with the freakin’ webs already! I get that you’re some hotshot superhero, savin’ New York, but c’mon man, pick up after yourself. You’re the pride of Queens, how’s about helping us out by takin’ ‘em with you when you’re done with ‘em?
What do you think happens to them webs you leave stuck on buildings? That’s freakin’ right, you “don’t know!” Well, I’ll tell you, me and my crew gotta get up there and swat at ‘em with brooms, and sticks, and crap. One time, I swear on my mother, they sent me up to the top of the Chrysler Building with a fishin’ pole to clean up your mess. How much crime happens up there, web-head?
Now, I don’t know what part of you makes that crap, and I don’t wanna know, but it’s sticky, man. I go home, I gotta wash up for like an hour with turpentine. No joke, one time my hand got stuck to a cereal box while I’m pourin’ breakfast for my kid. I had to get on the A Train lookin’ like some kinda whack-a-do with a cardboard freakin’ Coco bird stuck to my hand.
Seriously, you’re like a spider, can’t you jump around the city from buildin’ to buildin’ without them webs? I get that you gotta tie up bad guys. I got no beef with that, but all the time with the swinging? It seems pretty unnecessary. You know, the kids’d love to see you on the subway once in a while.
Anyway, next time you see that Sandman, punch that jerk right in the ribs for me. His mess is worse than yours. I don’t know how that guy’s still walking around, I got like a hundred pounds of him in a box back at the shop. The new kid at work threw a sandwich in there the other day, to see if he was hidin’. So I said, “Did you just chuck a good sandwich in the Sandman box? Now you got no sandwich, dope!”
Donnie Burns, Crew Chief
New York City Dept. of Public Works
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MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.
TUESDAY – Television. Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.
WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.
THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.
FRIDAY – Fantasy, Sci-fi, and comics. Like living in your parents’ basement only without the inherent desperation. Well…