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The Daily Jim

All the wit that's fit to spit

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Archive for May, 2010

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

“Live every week like it’s Shark Week!” – Tracy Jordan from 30 Rock

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

“The solution to all our problems is staring you in the face, and it can’t even see you.” – Barry Zuckerkorn from Arrested Development

Zombie Chicken Wins Town’s Heart!

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

The traditionally preferred way to dispatch a zombie is by removing its head from its body.  Researchers and zombie hunters alike have long touted this as a sure-fire fix for the undead.  As it turns out it’s not as absolute as we were all led to believe.

For almost two years (between September, 1945 and March 1947) the good people of Fruita, Colorado had a headless zombie chicken among them.  Instead of recoiling in horror and reporting this abomination to the any proper zombie authorities (i.e.: a priest with a Eastern European accent, a mustachioed, loose-cannon army colonel, or a pencil pushing desk jockey from a covert government agency – all of whom would eventually be killed by the chicken), the Fruitians decided to celebrate it.  And even after the zombie’s mysterious demise in a Phoenix, Arizona motel they continued to celebrate.

The town’s unholy spectacle has been generally overlooked for years until Time magazine (I know.  Right?) unearthed the 65 year-old truth last week.  This leaves those preparing for the zombpocalypse wondering, if a chicken can survive a beheading, what are the chances of successfully killing some thick-necked zombie muscle-head from Globogym by chopping his super fake-tanned head off?

See the Time article HERE

zombie chicken

Wonder Woman on Wonder Woman. It’s Not as Dirty as it Sounds.

Monday, May 17th, 2010

Lynda Carter, former television Wonder Woman, has finally gotten off the bench and into the game – one that the fanboy community has been playing forever!  It’s called “Casting Rumors.”  Ms. Carter implied in a recent interview that she’d like to see America’s sweetheart, Sandra Bullock play Wonder Woman in a big screen adaptation of the comic.  Awesome!  Now I get to pick!  I’d like to see … Demi Moore play Wonder Woman, because I need someone intimidating and pretty, but with “crazy-girlfriend eyes” (I’ve got the whole movie plot worked out in my head).  Me, Lynda Carter and a few cases of beer; this could go on for while until one of us invariably says “Lynda Carter should play Wonder Woman.”  Then we laugh, each actually considering it for a second (I’ve got the whole conversation worked out in my head).

You see, instead of creating plausible scenarios in which we cure cancer or move out of our parents’ basement, we, fanboys, concentrate our considerable gray matter on fantasy situations from fiction …  it can be quite a lot of fun.  For example, if Lynda Carter says, “I’d like to see Mel Gibson play the Riddler in the new Batman movie,” I am forced to call her “absurd” and insist on Paul Giamatti.  Some third party will eventually chime in with an old rumor about Eddie Murphy in the part.  Lynda Carter and I will sip our beers and laugh, not considering it even for a second.

“Casting Rumors” is easy, fun, and based on absolutely nothing.  And the best part is that you have nothing to lose because 99.9% of it will never come true!  That being said, when your horse wins, it’s nothing but “I told you so” down at Commander Awesome’s Comic Fortress!

But I digress … after you watch Lynda Carter talk about Jazz in the video linked below, you’re qualified to play.

http://www.wqow.com/Global/story.asp?S=12465961

Cast the following 5 roles for potential films:

1. Wonder Woman

2. Magnum P.I.

3. Aquaman

4. The Glove from the Old Hamburger Helper Commercials

5. Catwoman

wonder woman

Try not to Panic, but There are Zombie Hookers in Florida.

Friday, May 14th, 2010

Broward County, Florida, noted in 19990 for banning sales of the 2 Live Crew album, As Nasty as They Wanna be has another sex controversy – Zombie Hookers.

My intern, Ben’s grandmother, who lives in West Palm, says it’s just a couple of undead girls and they mostly stick to the cemetery. “They’re really doing wonders for cleaning up prostitution in town; although now I need a new accountant.”

The downside is that now the police have time to focus on her underground marjong tournament and fight club.

zombie hooker shutterstock-thumb-240x359

Zombie Hookers Turning Tricks in West Palm Cemetery

By Thomas Francis, @ The Broward/Palm Beach New Times

Wednesday, May. 12 2010 @ 1:07PM

http://blogs.browardpalmbeach.com/juice/palm_beach/

It’s hard to believe that there’s a crack whore crazy enough to have sex in a graveyard; and it’s even harder to believe that a john would follow her there. That’s a B-movie murder scene waiting to happen.

So we’re skeptical about this WPBF report about purportedly human sex activity in West Palm’s Evergreen Cemetery. Rather, it sounds like we’ve got a group of zombie hookers on our hands.

If that’s the case, a little B-movie research will tell you that the best strategy is to simply let them be. This is a transaction between consenting adults — horny men; hungry zombies. He gets laid. She gets a tasty post-coital snack. Everybody’s happy.

So stay away, pitchfork-wielding mobs. You don’t want to provoke the undead.

Hello world!

Thursday, May 13th, 2010

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!

“It’s not every day you see a giant cartoon dog going on the rampage after trying to break into a prison.”

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

No Dogs Allowed

If there were ever a question of Snoopy’s devotion to Charlie Brown, let this story clear it up.  This week, as the Brits try to figure out who’s Prime Minister after the General Election, Snoopy and an accomplice  (I hoped was Linus, but will probably be revealed as Woodstock) broke into Albany Prison on the Isle of Wight in an attempt to spring good ol’ Charlie Brown.  Let’s see Marmaduke try that!

Charlie Brown, unfortunately, was locked up in another prison elsewhere on the island (I’m sure that damn Lucy will somehow blame Charlie Brown for being in the wrong place), forcing Snoopy to now try to escape from said prison.  Blockheads!

snoopy

Peanutentiary

By Nick Parker @ thesun.co.uk

Published: 10 May 2010

Police have collared a man who was trying to break into prison to spring an inmate while dressed as Snoopy.

Jail workers were stunned when confronted by the lovable Peanuts character waving a gun.

When the comic-strip beagle and an accomplice failed to break down a staff door, they pelted prison officers’ cars with concrete missiles.

A prison service source said yesterday: “It’s not every day you see a giant cartoon dog going on the rampage after trying to break into a prison. They weren’t exactly inconspicuous – but it was taken seriously because they appeared to have a gun. They caused a real commotion and it was only later they were found to be armed with a water pistol.”

The duo were arrested and it then emerged they had targeted the WRONG jail – the family member they wanted to free was banged up elsewhere.

Snoopy and his un-costumed sidekick tried to get into HMP Isle of Wight’s Albany site, while the relative was in the complex’s Camp Hill jail.

The insider explained: “They are very close together but this has got to rank as one of the worst attempted jail breaks ever.”

Constabulary spokesman said two men, aged 43 and 21, were arrested on suspicion of criminal damage and detained under the Mental Health Act after the May 1 incident.

It is not clear which man wore the costume.
Read more: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2965909/Yob-in-Snoopy-costume-tries-to-break-into-jail.html#ixzz0nf3w3mHF

I’ll give it to the Brits; they have fun committing crime.  Maybe because they call bad guys “villains” and police “bobbies.”

Benvenuto, Haters!

Monday, May 10th, 2010

Today everyone is blogging about Betty White’s appearance on Saturday Night Live or the steamroller of Iron Man 2. Since I have nearly exhausted my “Betty White is an age defying Terminator lulling us into a false sense of safety through grandmotherly cuteness” tirades and Iron Man 2 is in the capable hands of every other fanboy on the Internet, I took the kids in the office out to lunch.  Where?  I’ll give you a hint, “When we’re there, we’re like family.”  That’s right, good ol’ reliably carb heavy Olive Garden.

Olive_Garden

Olive Garden chefs are apparently trained in Tuscany at their very own culinary institute to pile Parmesan cheese on top of lettuce and heat up bread sticks.  We’ve always sort of joked about this the same way we joke that KFC Double Down has “so much 100% premium chicken there wasn’t room for a bun,” but somehow there was room for bacon; or that woman who sued Quaker Oats because she thought the crunchberries in her Cap’n Crunch were actual fruit.

Live and learn, I guess, because as it turns out, the Olive Garden marketing team is, more or less, telling the truth.  Sarah LaTrent over at CNN took the time to track down the “prestigious” Italian cooking school.

*Note* Red Lobster, which is owned by the same parent company, has a rigorous training program for their chefs too, which, ironically, involves Betty White and a case of tequila.

betty-white-1

Rejected by McSweeney’s Volume 3

Friday, May 7th, 2010

Failed Corporate Mascot Concepts  – Now Available as Prison Nicknames

  • The Allstate Witness
  • NyQuiller
  • Schick, the Painless the Razor
  • Paris Hilton
  • The Wal-Martyr
  • Your State Farm Insurer

Bandit Immortal: We do the Math on Burt Reynolds’ Attempt to Live to 199

Thursday, May 6th, 2010

Last week, in his first big outing after undergoing quintuple bypass surgery, Burt Reynolds told People magazine that’s he’s pretty much committed to living to the age of 199.  Which is awesome because A) Betty White’s Cyberdyne neural-net Terminator processor expires six months before that. And B) do you know how much chaos the Bandit can cause between now and 2209?  We do.  I had my intern, Ben crunch the numbers.

He’s 74 years old now, so that gives us 125 more years of mustachioed good times.  Burt’s first television appearance was in 1959. To date, that’s a 51 year career!  So he’s got approximately 2.45 more careers left I him.  Which means:

  • He’ll be in 19.6 starring television shows.
  • Burt can give us at least 2.45 more Gator’s, Sharky’s Machine’s, Hooper’s, and Deliverance’s (poor Ned Beatty’s not done squealin’ like a pig yet.).
  • Our great grand children will get 4.9 Smokey and the Bandit’s (which we will gladly round up to 5 since he did make a cameo in #3.  Hell, make it 6, Snowman!)
  • Burt will wind up back inside for 3 Longest Yard’s (which is a rough estimate considering the Adam Sandler version only counts as a quarter of a movie at best).
  • He’ll have to put together enough drivers to make 4.9 Cannonball Run’s (“What about a black Trans-Am? No, that’s been done.”).
  • Burt will play approximately 200 wise elders who mentor young upstarts on “how it’s done.”
  • Unfortunately, all of this glory comes with a price.  We’ll also have to live through him pouting about not winning 2.45 more Academy Awards.

Good luck in the world of tomorrow, Bandit! Now get to work; Stroker Ace 2 ain’t gonna make itself.  Hey, is the kid from Cop and ½ is still contracted for sequels?


Lessons in Bad Media Franchising and Merchandising

1) Saw 8: The Reality Television Gameshow 2)Live action movie of Hungry, Hungry Hippos 3)The Tonight Show, starring Chewbacca 4) Deadpool vs. Punisher: The Musical 5) The Human Centipede sleeping bag 6) C-Span Live Action Role Playing Group 7) The new Texas Chainsaw Massacre ride at Six Flags Over Texas 8) Your Parents Basement is Always […]

Where is Our Modern Barney Miller?

The single camera glory that was Barney Miller can probably never be reproduced.  There’s heavy debate in the office whether it should be or not. It was essentially a 22-minute, 3-act play with minimal characters and only one set (after Season One that also featured Barney’s dining room at home).  The thing is, the writing […]

Non-John Hughes High School Movies from the ’80s

Yep. Most of the high school biggies were our man, Hughes. But if you can name the 1980s high school movie quotes listed below, your might have been paying attention to something else in ’88 other than the MTV Beach House and that cute girl with freckles in your 11th grade Chemistry class. 5)”Last night, […]

Mark Your Calendar, Nerds!!!

This Weekend is legendary Indy 500.  Please don’t think geekdom is limited to cosplay and app programming.  Oh no, my friends. Two years ago our Mid-West correspondent, Billy D, and I watched those car dorks jump a humongous Hot Wheels truck  over a bunch of school busses and twice as many drunks while Florence Henderson […]

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Attention lonely geeks! “Drunk” is only a superpower at Red Sox games and ex-girlfriends’ weddings.

Gentleman Jim

  • MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.  

  • TUESDAY – Television.  Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.  

  • WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.  

  • THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.  

  • FRIDAY – Fantasy, Sci-fi, and comics.  Like living in your parents’ basement only without the inherent desperation. Well…