Does Sloth Still Love Chunk? You Bet Your Ass He Does!

In 1985 I had the usual assortment of heroes – Evel Kinevel, late Yankee catcher, Thurman Munson, and Han Solo.  But topping them all was Data from The Goonies.  What kid doesn’t want oil slick shoes and a grappling hook?  Ol’ Data was the uncool James Bond of the Goon Docks.  But it was okay, because much like my neighborhood, everyone was uncool; so we all saw the movie about six times.

I’ve got to give it to Senor Spielberg-o; Goonies was a game changer. It had the depressing, small town as prison ascetic of All the Right Moves paired with the opening, big rock sequence from Raiders of the Lost Ark and just enough Scooby Doo to have kept you wondering if One-Eyed Willy, the pirate, was going to jump out.  Josh Brolin gets the girl. Sloth love Chunk. Samwise Rudy doesn’t need his inhaler anymore.  And The Goonies save their home. Oh yeah, and Corey Feldman, while dressed as Michael Jackson, still gets to kiss Martha Plimpton.  The Goon Docks continue to be holy ground for our passed youth.

In fact, my intern, Ben, still regularly eats Baby Ruth’s and dances the Truffle Shuffle (although I’ve made several requests that he not).  Try walking into a bar anywhere across this great nation and yell, “Goonies never say ‘die!’” I am pretty certain that someone will buy you a beer … and it will probably be me.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 at 10:27 am.
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My So-Called Zombie Life

• I wrote this Q & A for the November 2009 issue of Geek Monthly, where it was published in a slightly different format as “Ask a Zombie.”

  
  
  

• When I was alive I’d fight a zombie, but never wonder, “How’s this guy spending the rest of his time?” Die and learn I guess.  I will now attempt to answer just a few questions that I’d wish someone had taken the time from stalking and eating to answer for me when I was first [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Megan currently trapped inside the Old Navy in Forest Springs Mall, NJ

  “Why do the undead always look like they’re falling apart?  It’s really gross!” You’re referring to “body rot,” Megan.  As unsightly as it may be, zombies are literally falling apart due to decay. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be tidy.  I mean, I know guys with bugs crawling on them who are just plain [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Candice, hiding upstairs in your house

  “Sssssssssseeeeeeeth?” I know you’re hungry, but try to control your appetite.  There will always be dopes in the world; they’ll practically wander right up to you. I say, stick to gnawing on them, there is no shame in eating the slow or dim witted. The smart ones run really fast!  And good for them! If [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Professor Janice Warburton at Reanimation Laboratories, Gillette, Louisiana

  “Do zombies eat human brains exclusively?” Fact: Zombies eat whatever we can get our rotting hands on, brains, legs, intestine… I personally, enjoy throats and arms (man that’s just plain good eatin’).  I don’t know how this brain thing got started; there are worse misconceptions out there though, so this one is low priority.

  
  
  

• Question from Brian seat-belted in the back of a burned out school bus, OH

  “Grrrrrrrrrrawwwww! Mmmmmmmaaa?” Brian, Don’t bother trying to speak to the living.  They don’t get it!  In fact, they won’t get it until some drooling sap takes a bite out of them.  Generally they’re too busy screaming, running the other way, or spouting tough guy sound bites to listen to your rational. I have never gotten [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Colonel Samuel Doyle, stationed where Denver used to be

  “How do I know if I’m dealing with a slow zombie or a fast zombie before I get too close?” Me? I’m a throw back; I walk everywhere.  I mean, I’m already undead, what’s the hurry?  Some of these young guys like to run, mostly because it surprises the hell out of the living.  However, [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Karl, lurking somewhere in the woods

  “Hoo? Glurgggg?  Hooooooooooo?  Hoo? What about animal zombies, you ask?  I can’t tell you how many times newbies ask me this one.  My advice is always the same, if you can actually catch an animal and bite it while resisting the urge to eat the whole thing, more power to you.  Wildlife is both tasty [...]

  
  
  

• Question from “Anonymous,” drinking the last 7-11 Slurpees on freaking Earth in Pawtucket, RI

  “I heard that the government is working on a cure with some big drug companies.  I really hate freakin’ zombies… I wish you’d all die!” Great.  Thanks.  You don’t really get how this works do you?  I know where that 7-11 is by the way.  For the record, there is no cure for zombism.  A [...]

  
  
  

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Staff writers for thedailyjim can be contacted regarding freelance assignments, project consultations, and ego boosts. Your hair looks great, by the way. All content on this page is creator owned unless otherwise noted.

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