Finally, a Workout that Stregthens and Tones While Simultateously Preparing Me for a Zombie Attack!
I hate going to the gym in the springtime; it’s always so crowded. We all stare doll-eyed straight ahead while running within our row of treadmills, destined to never reach the horizon just past those televisions. Although it’s packed, I go anyway. I can’t begrudge a single person in the place because I assume they’re there for the same reason as me – you’ve got to train hard if you want to outrun the zombies.
If you think you can just hole up in some stronghold somewhere and wait out the zombpocalypse, you’re skipping an important step. You’ve got to get to that fortified bunker first! Zombies don’t get tired. In fact they’re notorious for wearing down their prey. In his seminal novel, World War Z, author Max Brooks describes zombies as the only society capable of committing to the concept of “total war.” There are no slackers in the zombie community, no naysayers, no one has plans Saturday and can’t show up. These guys are “game on” all day for eternity. That means you better work on your cardio.
Think of zombies as the sharks of the coming Armageddon. They’re not malicious; they just want to eat you. We can all take a lesson from Jaws (pretty much any situation can be solved by careful viewing of Jaws). Hooper tries to explain to the Mayor of Amity Island the realities of sharks, “Mr. Vaughn, what we are dealing with here is a perfect engine, an eating machine. It’s really a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks, and that’s all.” Replace “swimming” with “staggering” and you’ve got yourself a summation of zombies.
So the next time your workout routine gets a little stale or you feel unmotivated, do what I do – imagine that zombies are chasing you.
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MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.
TUESDAY – Television. Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.
WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.
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