Finally, a Workout that Stregthens and Tones While Simultateously Preparing Me for a Zombie Attack!

I hate going to the gym in the springtime; it’s always so crowded. We all stare doll-eyed straight ahead while running within our row of treadmills, destined to never reach the horizon just past those televisions. Although it’s packed, I go anyway. I can’t begrudge a single person in the place because I assume they’re there for the same reason as me – you’ve got to train hard if you want to outrun the zombies.

If you think you can just hole up in some stronghold somewhere and wait out the zombpocalypse, you’re skipping an important step. You’ve got to get to that fortified bunker first! Zombies don’t get tired. In fact they’re notorious for wearing down their prey. In his seminal novel, World War Z, author Max Brooks describes zombies as the only society capable of committing to the concept of “total war.” There are no slackers in the zombie community, no naysayers, no one has plans Saturday and can’t show up. These guys are “game on” all day for eternity. That means you better work on your cardio.

Think of zombies as the sharks of the coming Armageddon. They’re not malicious; they just want to eat you. We can all take a lesson from Jaws (pretty much any situation can be solved by careful viewing of Jaws). Hooper tries to explain to the Mayor of Amity Island the realities of sharks, “Mr. Vaughn, what we are dealing with here is a perfect engine, an eating machine. It’s really a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks, and that’s all.” Replace “swimming” with “staggering” and you’ve got yourself a summation of zombies.

So the next time your workout routine gets a little stale or you feel unmotivated, do what I do – imagine that zombies are chasing you.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 27th, 2010 at 4:02 pm.
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My So-Called Zombie Life

• I wrote this Q & A for the November 2009 issue of Geek Monthly, where it was published in a slightly different format as “Ask a Zombie.”

  
  
  

• When I was alive I’d fight a zombie, but never wonder, “How’s this guy spending the rest of his time?” Die and learn I guess.  I will now attempt to answer just a few questions that I’d wish someone had taken the time from stalking and eating to answer for me when I was first [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Megan currently trapped inside the Old Navy in Forest Springs Mall, NJ

  “Why do the undead always look like they’re falling apart?  It’s really gross!” You’re referring to “body rot,” Megan.  As unsightly as it may be, zombies are literally falling apart due to decay. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be tidy.  I mean, I know guys with bugs crawling on them who are just plain [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Candice, hiding upstairs in your house

  “Sssssssssseeeeeeeth?” I know you’re hungry, but try to control your appetite.  There will always be dopes in the world; they’ll practically wander right up to you. I say, stick to gnawing on them, there is no shame in eating the slow or dim witted. The smart ones run really fast!  And good for them! If [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Professor Janice Warburton at Reanimation Laboratories, Gillette, Louisiana

  “Do zombies eat human brains exclusively?” Fact: Zombies eat whatever we can get our rotting hands on, brains, legs, intestine… I personally, enjoy throats and arms (man that’s just plain good eatin’).  I don’t know how this brain thing got started; there are worse misconceptions out there though, so this one is low priority.

  
  
  

• Question from Brian seat-belted in the back of a burned out school bus, OH

  “Grrrrrrrrrrawwwww! Mmmmmmmaaa?” Brian, Don’t bother trying to speak to the living.  They don’t get it!  In fact, they won’t get it until some drooling sap takes a bite out of them.  Generally they’re too busy screaming, running the other way, or spouting tough guy sound bites to listen to your rational. I have never gotten [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Colonel Samuel Doyle, stationed where Denver used to be

  “How do I know if I’m dealing with a slow zombie or a fast zombie before I get too close?” Me? I’m a throw back; I walk everywhere.  I mean, I’m already undead, what’s the hurry?  Some of these young guys like to run, mostly because it surprises the hell out of the living.  However, [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Karl, lurking somewhere in the woods

  “Hoo? Glurgggg?  Hooooooooooo?  Hoo? What about animal zombies, you ask?  I can’t tell you how many times newbies ask me this one.  My advice is always the same, if you can actually catch an animal and bite it while resisting the urge to eat the whole thing, more power to you.  Wildlife is both tasty [...]

  
  
  

• Question from “Anonymous,” drinking the last 7-11 Slurpees on freaking Earth in Pawtucket, RI

  “I heard that the government is working on a cure with some big drug companies.  I really hate freakin’ zombies… I wish you’d all die!” Great.  Thanks.  You don’t really get how this works do you?  I know where that 7-11 is by the way.  For the record, there is no cure for zombism.  A [...]

  
  
  

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Staff writers for thedailyjim can be contacted regarding freelance assignments, project consultations, and ego boosts. Your hair looks great, by the way. All content on this page is creator owned unless otherwise noted.

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