What is Cap’n Crunch’s Dark Agenda?

For a long time I made excuses for Cap’n Crunch.  I defended him while he sailed to far away lands to steal crunchberries from crunchberry beasts while hypocritically battling pirates who tried to steal from him. I purposely overlooked labor laws although I knew that his ship’s crew was suspiciously comprised of children and dog wearing glasses.  I fended off accusations that his eyebrows were the result of some over-priced elective surgery.  I rationalized the fact that he hadn’t made admiral yet only because of the political machine to which he wouldn’t yield.  I did all of this for the promise that when the Cap’n returned from the sea, all would be righted.  That was almost 20 years ago and my trust has yet to be rewarded.

So, now that the horticulturalists at Quaker Oats have domesticated the crunchberry for easier cultivation and the last of the pirate, Jean Lafoote’s, barefoot buccaneers have been imprisoned on the back of cereal boxes, my loyalty has reached its breaking point!

When they speak of this day at some distant point in the future (and they will speak of this day), I hope that it is understood that what I do now brings me no joy; but I can no longer stand by with a sugar-high and a cavity ridden smile.  I must be the one to shine the spotlight of truth.

Cap’n Crunch cereal is really pointy and hurts my mouth when I eat it. What could his freakin’ reason be for not addressing such a painfully egregious design flaw?

This entry was posted on Monday, April 19th, 2010 at 3:38 pm.
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