I am from the Great Suburban Strip Mall that is Long Island. Thanks to the amount of hairspray we all used during the ‘80’s, global climate change is pretty much our fault. Sorry. Aside from that not too much was happening there. Not like the rest of the country, where daring escapades occurred nightly between 8pm and 11pm Eastern Standard Time thanks to our adult role models, The Fall Guy; Matt Houston; MacGyver; The A-Team; the fellas over at Rip Tide; The Dukes of Hazzard; Magnum, PI; and Knight Rider. We all just assumed our parents had somehow screwed up and been exiled to Long Island, but that we would easily secure positions as private investigators, secret operatives, and rogues when we grew up.
- We would engage in car chases on winding mountain roads.
- Private “think tanks” would send us on adventures across the globe, but mostly in Los Angeles.
- We could have private investigator’s license that would allow us to shoot bad guys without worrying about explaining it too much.
- We would hurl dynamite at corrupt local police via arrows.
- Local police would always be corrupt.
- If we were captured, we would always be locked up with the means to facilitate our own escape.
- We could expect for cars to explode only after all occupants had crawled to a safe distance.
- It would be okay for us to shoot at moving cars.
- It would be okay for us to shoot from moving cars.
- We would have unfettered access to a helicopter, as long as we used it to fight injustice.
- Henchmen would have lousy aim.
- We could expect to encounter criminal masterminds who were able to control entire towns, unless we stood up to them.
- Attractive women, who we don’t know, will frequently appeared in bikinis holding champagne.
- Attractive women, who we do know, will infrequently appear in bikinis (but it will be worth the wait).
These were lives that Stephen J. Cannell and Aaron Spelling had painstakingly prepared for us, only to have our high school guidance counselors one day tell us, that our SAT scores were either too high or to low for adventure, but just right for a summer job in the food court of the mall.