The Realities of Cartoon Villainy: Part I
I try to give credit to cartoon villains whenever I can. It really is a thankless job … I mean, the whole world wants you to fail. You’re there to take the hit so a bunch of grubby kids can learn a lesson that their parents are too lazy to teach them. It takes a certain kind of personality to endure the certainty of daily defeat and keep getting up for work in the morning. Wile E. Coyote, Skeletor, even that freakin’ Cobra Commander … these guys have disastrous track records, but at least I learned that “knowing is half the battle.” These evildoers can hold their heads high knowing they were crushed in battle by superior intellect, or the quest for a righteous world. If, however, your arch nemesis is a child wearing an enormous bonnet, who smells like fruit or a group of tiny blue woodland creatures who live in mushrooms, you might want to think about a career change because, you, my friend, are at the bottom of the bad guy barrel.
Purple Pieman. Strawberry Shortcake is a little girl! You are pretty much one episode away from having Chris Hansen and the To Catch a Predator crew show up in Porcupine Peak. Give it up, man! You obviously like to bake; maybe you should focus on that.
And Gargamel … You haven’t been able to wipe out Smurf Village yet? Your big plan to distract them by creating Smurfette, who would eventually betray them, didn’t work! In fact the opposite happened! You’ve actually given them the means to breed now, so I think the battle is lost. Also, what’s your angle? Genocide is pretty stupid to begin with, but still it takes some work, a lot more than a creepy shut-in, who never gets out of his pajamas is willing to put forth. Look at Sketetor. He’s a skeleton for crying out loud, but he still gets out and hits the gym. Where do you think he met He-Man?
So here’s to the cartoon villains! Be proud of your work that gets foiled weekly, but also challenge yourself to find a suitable nemesis and try to conquer the world or at least a kingdom of some sort. If you can’t ask yourself the hard questions, maybe you should go back and live at your mom’s secret lair until you get a plan.
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MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.
TUESDAY – Television. Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.
WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.
THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.
FRIDAY – Fantasy, Sci-fi, and comics. Like living in your parents’ basement only without the inherent desperation. Well…