The Realities of Cartoon Villainy: Part I

I try to give credit to cartoon villains whenever I can.  It really is a thankless job … I mean, the whole world wants you to fail.  You’re there to take the hit so a bunch of grubby kids can learn a lesson that their parents are too lazy to teach them.  It takes a certain kind of personality to endure the certainty of daily defeat and keep getting up for work in the morning.  Wile E. Coyote, Skeletor, even that freakin’ Cobra Commander … these guys have disastrous track records, but at least I learned that “knowing is half the battle.” These evildoers can hold their heads high knowing they were crushed in battle by superior intellect, or the quest for a righteous world.  If, however, your arch nemesis is a child wearing an enormous bonnet, who smells like fruit or a group of tiny blue woodland creatures who live in mushrooms, you might want to think about a career change because, you, my friend, are at the bottom of the bad guy barrel.

Purple Pieman. Strawberry Shortcake is a little girl!  You are pretty much one episode away from having Chris Hansen and the To Catch a Predator crew show up in Porcupine Peak.  Give it up, man!  You obviously like to bake; maybe you should focus on that.

And Gargamel … You haven’t been able to wipe out Smurf Village yet?  Your big plan to distract them by creating Smurfette, who would eventually betray them, didn’t work!  In fact the opposite happened!  You’ve actually given them the means to breed now, so I think the battle is lost.  Also, what’s your angle?  Genocide is pretty stupid to begin with, but still it takes some work, a lot more than a creepy shut-in, who never gets out of his pajamas is willing to put forth.  Look at Sketetor.  He’s a skeleton for crying out loud, but he still gets out and hits the gym.  Where do you think he met He-Man?

So here’s to the cartoon villains!  Be proud of your work that gets foiled weekly, but also challenge yourself to find a suitable nemesis and try to conquer the world or at least a kingdom of some sort.  If you can’t ask yourself the hard questions, maybe you should go back and live at your mom’s secret lair until you get a plan.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 30th, 2010 at 7:53 am.
File under general. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

Comments Closed

Comments are closed.

My So-Called Zombie Life

• I wrote this Q & A for the November 2009 issue of Geek Monthly, where it was published in a slightly different format as “Ask a Zombie.”

  
  
  

• When I was alive I’d fight a zombie, but never wonder, “How’s this guy spending the rest of his time?” Die and learn I guess.  I will now attempt to answer just a few questions that I’d wish someone had taken the time from stalking and eating to answer for me when I was first [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Megan currently trapped inside the Old Navy in Forest Springs Mall, NJ

  “Why do the undead always look like they’re falling apart?  It’s really gross!” You’re referring to “body rot,” Megan.  As unsightly as it may be, zombies are literally falling apart due to decay. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be tidy.  I mean, I know guys with bugs crawling on them who are just plain [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Candice, hiding upstairs in your house

  “Sssssssssseeeeeeeth?” I know you’re hungry, but try to control your appetite.  There will always be dopes in the world; they’ll practically wander right up to you. I say, stick to gnawing on them, there is no shame in eating the slow or dim witted. The smart ones run really fast!  And good for them! If [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Professor Janice Warburton at Reanimation Laboratories, Gillette, Louisiana

  “Do zombies eat human brains exclusively?” Fact: Zombies eat whatever we can get our rotting hands on, brains, legs, intestine… I personally, enjoy throats and arms (man that’s just plain good eatin’).  I don’t know how this brain thing got started; there are worse misconceptions out there though, so this one is low priority.

  
  
  

• Question from Brian seat-belted in the back of a burned out school bus, OH

  “Grrrrrrrrrrawwwww! Mmmmmmmaaa?” Brian, Don’t bother trying to speak to the living.  They don’t get it!  In fact, they won’t get it until some drooling sap takes a bite out of them.  Generally they’re too busy screaming, running the other way, or spouting tough guy sound bites to listen to your rational. I have never gotten [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Colonel Samuel Doyle, stationed where Denver used to be

  “How do I know if I’m dealing with a slow zombie or a fast zombie before I get too close?” Me? I’m a throw back; I walk everywhere.  I mean, I’m already undead, what’s the hurry?  Some of these young guys like to run, mostly because it surprises the hell out of the living.  However, [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Karl, lurking somewhere in the woods

  “Hoo? Glurgggg?  Hooooooooooo?  Hoo? What about animal zombies, you ask?  I can’t tell you how many times newbies ask me this one.  My advice is always the same, if you can actually catch an animal and bite it while resisting the urge to eat the whole thing, more power to you.  Wildlife is both tasty [...]

  
  
  

• Question from “Anonymous,” drinking the last 7-11 Slurpees on freaking Earth in Pawtucket, RI

  “I heard that the government is working on a cure with some big drug companies.  I really hate freakin’ zombies… I wish you’d all die!” Great.  Thanks.  You don’t really get how this works do you?  I know where that 7-11 is by the way.  For the record, there is no cure for zombism.  A [...]

  
  
  

About the Daily Jim

Staff writers for thedailyjim can be contacted regarding freelance assignments, project consultations, and ego boosts. Your hair looks great, by the way. All content on this page is creator owned unless otherwise noted.

• Facebook
• Flickr
• Last.fm
• RSS
• Twitter