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The Daily Jim

All the wit that's fit to spit

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Davey Crocket Never Killed a Zombie. And That’s a Shame.

Zombies: nightmarish flesh eaters or the key to healing our fractured national psyche?  Why can’t they be both?

While the presence of zombies is terrifying (and my wife thinks “gross”), every citizen’s ability to take matters into his own hands by resisting them is downright American.  In a nation where we are constantly told to consume and fall, lock step, in line with the crowd, we, in our hearts, crave uniqueness.  Our great American fear is not that our bodies will be devoured by a pack of violent, zombie mall shoppers, but that our individuality will be devoured by the millennial phalanx embodied by mall shoppers.  Each one of us will cease being distinct, and therefore, unable to make diverse contributions to our greater good.  Zombies ain’t building cities or writing poetry, people; they’re eating brains.

Cue National Anthem.

Brothers and sisters, these are challenging times.  Occasionally in order to gain perspective, we must stare into the dead eyes of a zombie and let them look back at us.  My advice is to go home, pop in the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead (which takes place in a mall and is directed by Zack Snyder of 300), and settle in for ninety-minutes of good ol’ American spirit.  With each zombie decapitated, breathe your right to think for yourself.  Every ingenious way to destroy a zombie using a common household appliance must be applauded for the pioneer spirit that built our country.  And in the end, when the zombie horde rages on even after all their hard work taking heads, remember that America is an idea that must constantly be refreshed (even if it’s by Ving Rhames and Phil from ABC’s Modern Family).  We’ve got to keep working at it, because zombies never sleep, they just eat brains and make more zombies.

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  • himjill666

    Ash: [talking to mirror] I'm fine… I'm fine…

    [Mirror Ash jumps out of the mirror and grabs Ash]

    Mirror Ash: I don't think so. We just cut up our girlfriend with a chainsaw. Does that sound “fine”?

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