The Hamburglar: A Psychological Analysis
Billy D. called from the road. He told me there was something about the McDonald’s Hamburglar that he just didn’t trust.
“Well … he is a burglar.” I responded.
“That’s not my issue Duke. I know several career criminals who are upstanding and trustworthy people. This little creep’s a textbook example of a whacko. What’s the story with the striped jumpsuit? If he just escaped from prison he should change clothes in an attempt to blend. But instead he puts on a Zorro hat and mask… I think he might be dangerous.” Billy D. spends his career in his car. Too much time alone and he gets consumed by one conspiracy or another.
“That’s Mayor McCheese’s business.” I said as fast as I could, just to put it out there. “If he and Big Mac, the cop, can’t clean up McDonaldland, both of them should be ousted! Can they get someone to wipe down the ball-pit too? I hear kids pee in there.”
Billy D. continued as if he didn’t hear how funny I was. “What I don’t like is his obsession with one thing. Hamburgers. It’s dangerous. Remember in high school … Lennie from Of Mice and Men?” He must have been thinking about this for miles. “Lennie’s infatuated with owning a freakin’ rabbit; next thing he knows, his best friend’s gotta put a bullet in his left ear.”
“Are you asking me to shoot you? I honestly don’t know how I feel about that.” The other end of the phone was silent. “Okay.” He obviously wanted to discuss this seriously. “Okay. What about jewel thieves? They’re obsessed. Or the Trix Rabbit?”
He interrupted. “You ever met a jewel thief? Nope. You know why? Because no one is actually a jewel thief! It’s too myopic! Thieves take what they can get their hands on then sell it.” Now he was annoyed. “That damn Trix Rabbit is just what I’m talkin’ about, though! What happens at the end of the commercials, when he finally gets his hands on the Trix? His eyes go all swirly and he passes out. He never gets to enjoy the delicious cereal!” He lowered his voice, “Obsession, Duke, is a cruel mistress.”
I wanted to yell into the phone that, he was, in fact, the Hamburglar! His mistress is other people’s obsessions. Instead, I very calmly spoke, “Robble, robble.” Then I hung up.
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MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.
TUESDAY – Television. Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.
WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.
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