The Hamburglar: A Psychological Analysis

Billy D. called from the road.  He told me there was something about the McDonald’s Hamburglar that he just didn’t trust.

“Well … he is a burglar.” I responded.

“That’s not my issue Duke.  I know several career criminals who are upstanding and trustworthy people.  This little creep’s a textbook example of a whacko.  What’s the story with the striped jumpsuit?  If he just escaped from prison he should change clothes in an attempt to blend.  But instead he puts on a Zorro hat and mask… I think he might be dangerous.”  Billy D. spends his career in his car.  Too much time alone and he gets consumed by one conspiracy or another.

“That’s Mayor McCheese’s business.” I said as fast as I could, just to put it out there.  “If he and Big Mac, the cop, can’t clean up McDonaldland, both of them should be ousted!  Can they get someone to wipe down the ball-pit too?  I hear kids pee in there.”

Billy D. continued as if he didn’t hear how funny I was.  “What I don’t like is his obsession with one thing.  Hamburgers.  It’s dangerous.  Remember in high school … Lennie from Of Mice and Men?”  He must have been thinking about this for miles. “Lennie’s infatuated with owning a freakin’ rabbit; next thing he knows, his best friend’s gotta put a bullet in his left ear.”

“Are you asking me to shoot you?  I honestly don’t know how I feel about that.”  The other end of the phone was silent.  “Okay.”  He obviously wanted to discuss this seriously.  “Okay.  What about jewel thieves?  They’re obsessed.  Or the Trix Rabbit?”

He interrupted.  “You ever met a jewel thief?  Nope.  You know why?  Because no one is actually a jewel thief!  It’s too myopic!  Thieves take what they can get their hands on then sell it.”  Now he was annoyed.  “That damn Trix Rabbit is just what I’m talkin’ about, though!  What happens at the end of the commercials, when he finally gets his hands on the Trix?  His eyes go all swirly and he passes out.  He never gets to enjoy the delicious cereal!”  He lowered his voice, “Obsession, Duke, is a cruel mistress.”

I wanted to yell into the phone that, he was, in fact, the Hamburglar!  His mistress is other people’s obsessions.  Instead, I very calmly spoke, “Robble, robble.”  Then I hung up.

This entry was posted on Friday, March 19th, 2010 at 4:34 pm.
File under general. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

Comments Closed

Comments are closed.

My So-Called Zombie Life

• I wrote this Q & A for the November 2009 issue of Geek Monthly, where it was published in a slightly different format as “Ask a Zombie.”

  
  
  

• When I was alive I’d fight a zombie, but never wonder, “How’s this guy spending the rest of his time?” Die and learn I guess.  I will now attempt to answer just a few questions that I’d wish someone had taken the time from stalking and eating to answer for me when I was first [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Megan currently trapped inside the Old Navy in Forest Springs Mall, NJ

  “Why do the undead always look like they’re falling apart?  It’s really gross!” You’re referring to “body rot,” Megan.  As unsightly as it may be, zombies are literally falling apart due to decay. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be tidy.  I mean, I know guys with bugs crawling on them who are just plain [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Candice, hiding upstairs in your house

  “Sssssssssseeeeeeeth?” I know you’re hungry, but try to control your appetite.  There will always be dopes in the world; they’ll practically wander right up to you. I say, stick to gnawing on them, there is no shame in eating the slow or dim witted. The smart ones run really fast!  And good for them! If [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Professor Janice Warburton at Reanimation Laboratories, Gillette, Louisiana

  “Do zombies eat human brains exclusively?” Fact: Zombies eat whatever we can get our rotting hands on, brains, legs, intestine… I personally, enjoy throats and arms (man that’s just plain good eatin’).  I don’t know how this brain thing got started; there are worse misconceptions out there though, so this one is low priority.

  
  
  

• Question from Brian seat-belted in the back of a burned out school bus, OH

  “Grrrrrrrrrrawwwww! Mmmmmmmaaa?” Brian, Don’t bother trying to speak to the living.  They don’t get it!  In fact, they won’t get it until some drooling sap takes a bite out of them.  Generally they’re too busy screaming, running the other way, or spouting tough guy sound bites to listen to your rational. I have never gotten [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Colonel Samuel Doyle, stationed where Denver used to be

  “How do I know if I’m dealing with a slow zombie or a fast zombie before I get too close?” Me? I’m a throw back; I walk everywhere.  I mean, I’m already undead, what’s the hurry?  Some of these young guys like to run, mostly because it surprises the hell out of the living.  However, [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Karl, lurking somewhere in the woods

  “Hoo? Glurgggg?  Hooooooooooo?  Hoo? What about animal zombies, you ask?  I can’t tell you how many times newbies ask me this one.  My advice is always the same, if you can actually catch an animal and bite it while resisting the urge to eat the whole thing, more power to you.  Wildlife is both tasty [...]

  
  
  

• Question from “Anonymous,” drinking the last 7-11 Slurpees on freaking Earth in Pawtucket, RI

  “I heard that the government is working on a cure with some big drug companies.  I really hate freakin’ zombies… I wish you’d all die!” Great.  Thanks.  You don’t really get how this works do you?  I know where that 7-11 is by the way.  For the record, there is no cure for zombism.  A [...]

  
  
  

About the Daily Jim

Staff writers for thedailyjim can be contacted regarding freelance assignments, project consultations, and ego boosts. Your hair looks great, by the way. All content on this page is creator owned unless otherwise noted.

• Facebook
• Flickr
• Last.fm
• RSS
• Twitter