Get updates by email:

The Daily Jim

All the wit that's fit to spit

Thursday, May 25, 2017

The Hamburglar: A Psychological Analysis

Billy D. called from the road.  He told me there was something about the McDonald’s Hamburglar that he just didn’t trust.

“Well … he is a burglar.” I responded.

“That’s not my issue Duke.  I know several career criminals who are upstanding and trustworthy people.  This little creep’s a textbook example of a whacko.  What’s the story with the striped jumpsuit?  If he just escaped from prison he should change clothes in an attempt to blend.  But instead he puts on a Zorro hat and mask… I think he might be dangerous.”  Billy D. spends his career in his car.  Too much time alone and he gets consumed by one conspiracy or another.

“That’s Mayor McCheese’s business.” I said as fast as I could, just to put it out there.  “If he and Big Mac, the cop, can’t clean up McDonaldland, both of them should be ousted!  Can they get someone to wipe down the ball-pit too?  I hear kids pee in there.”

Billy D. continued as if he didn’t hear how funny I was.  “What I don’t like is his obsession with one thing.  Hamburgers.  It’s dangerous.  Remember in high school … Lennie from Of Mice and Men?”  He must have been thinking about this for miles. “Lennie’s infatuated with owning a freakin’ rabbit; next thing he knows, his best friend’s gotta put a bullet in his left ear.”

“Are you asking me to shoot you?  I honestly don’t know how I feel about that.”  The other end of the phone was silent.  “Okay.”  He obviously wanted to discuss this seriously.  “Okay.  What about jewel thieves?  They’re obsessed.  Or the Trix Rabbit?”

He interrupted.  “You ever met a jewel thief?  Nope.  You know why?  Because no one is actually a jewel thief!  It’s too myopic!  Thieves take what they can get their hands on then sell it.”  Now he was annoyed.  “That damn Trix Rabbit is just what I’m talkin’ about, though!  What happens at the end of the commercials, when he finally gets his hands on the Trix?  His eyes go all swirly and he passes out.  He never gets to enjoy the delicious cereal!”  He lowered his voice, “Obsession, Duke, is a cruel mistress.”

I wanted to yell into the phone that, he was, in fact, the Hamburglar!  His mistress is other people’s obsessions.  Instead, I very calmly spoke, “Robble, robble.”  Then I hung up.

Share

Comments Closed

Comments are closed.

Geek Definition of the Day

“VARIANT COVER” – A comic book produced with different covers for the express purpose of having you, the comic fan boy, boy multiple copies of the same thing.  Sometimes many covers will create a larger tapestry or work of art; others will be in 3-D; or have alternative concepts. We all love art or we [...]

Lessons in Bad Media Franchising and Merchandising

1) Saw 8: The Reality Television Gameshow 2)Live action movie of Hungry, Hungry Hippos 3)The Tonight Show, starring Chewbacca 4) Deadpool vs. Punisher: The Musical 5) The Human Centipede sleeping bag 6) C-Span Live Action Role Playing Group 7) The new Texas Chainsaw Massacre ride at Six Flags Over Texas 8) Your Parents Basement is Always [...]

Where is Our Modern Barney Miller?

The single camera glory that was Barney Miller can probably never be reproduced.  There’s heavy debate in the office whether it should be or not. It was essentially a 22-minute, 3-act play with minimal characters and only one set (after Season One that also featured Barney’s dining room at home).  The thing is, the writing [...]

Non-John Hughes High School Movies from the ’80s

Yep. Most of the high school biggies were our man, Hughes. But if you can name the 1980s high school movie quotes listed below, your might have been paying attention to something else in ’88 other than the MTV Beach House and that cute girl with freckles in your 11th grade Chemistry class. 5)”Last night, [...]

Mark Your Calendar, Nerds!!!

This Weekend is legendary Indy 500.  Please don’t think geekdom is limited to cosplay and app programming.  Oh no, my friends. Two years ago our Mid-West correspondent, Billy D, and I watched those car dorks jump a humongous Hot Wheels truck  over a bunch of school busses and twice as many drunks while Florence Henderson [...]

Dailies

Attention lonely geeks! “Drunk” is only a superpower at Red Sox games and ex-girlfriends’ weddings.

Gentleman Jim

  • MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.  

  • TUESDAY – Television.  Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.  

  • WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.  

  • THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.  

  • FRIDAY – Fantasy, Sci-fi, and comics.  Like living in your parents’ basement only without the inherent desperation. Well…