An Open Letter to Superman

Dear Superman,

Firstly, thanks for handling that end-of-the-world thing last week.  I’m glad you’re focused on the greater good, which brings me to the delicate topic at hand.  This might be hard to hear, but you need to cut that crybaby, Jimmy Olsen loose.  That redheaded pest is nothing but a time burglar, slowly stealing valuable minutes from your day and subsequently endangering us all.  Every time somebody at the Malt Shoppe gives Jimmy a hard time it’s, “Oh golly… I seem to have gotten myself into a prickly situation with some local hoodlums.  I’ll just ring up my ol’ pal Superman and he’ll give them what fore.”  I’ve got two words for that freckle-faced twerp, “Krav Maga.”  He needs to start watching his own back instead of looking to you to clean up after him.

Let’s say you’re busy handling an Earth threatening meteor shower or fighting another one of Lex Luthor’s humongously villainous machinations, when all of a sudden you have to stop what you’re doing to give a stern lecture to Butch and Worm about picking on the creepy kid with the camera.  But the thing is, you do it, without fail.  You must be the nicest guy in the universe.  Or Jimmy’s got incriminating pictures of you.  Or you still have unresolved codependency issues stemming from your parents giving you up for adoption.

I hear people talk about the neediness of Lois Lane, and her uncanny ability to be the sole witness to whatever this week’s super criminal has planned, at least she’s hot soup.  Good for you, dude! What does Jimmy offer?  Nothing but problems in a bow tie.  I heard that’s the reason Bizarro Superman dumped that albatross, Bizarro Jimmy, years ago; so he could spend more time with Bizarro Lois (who’s quite attractive in a square jawed, carnival worker sort of way).

You must take a stand.  You don’t see the Fat Albert Gang calling the Brown Hornet when they get into trouble.  No, sir.  They just sing a song then run away.  Let Jimmy learn to run away, for all our sakes.

Thanks again and good luck defeating General Zod in the Phantom Zone this weekend(again).

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 18th, 2010 at 8:56 am.
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Staff writers for thedailyjim can be contacted regarding freelance assignments, project consultations, and ego boosts. Your hair looks great, by the way. All content on this page is creator owned unless otherwise noted.

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