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The Daily Jim

All the wit that's fit to spit

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Just A.D.D. Sugar

I silently cursed the middle-aged couple smiling at me from the front of my Kashi-Good Friends cereal box.  As I chew mouthful after mouthful of fiber twigs I think that if they were really “good friends,” they’d help me out with a couple of marshmallows. The password has obviously been changed on the Honeycomb Hideout and these two sugar-free health zombies don’t know it.  I am not certainly going cuckoo for this.  I would never attempt to steal it from a leprechaun or protect it from a thieving rabbit.  I miss Cap’n Crunch and the brutal, but delicious, angles of his morning offering. Add extra sugar to create a pixie stick-like gray silt at the bottom of the bowl?  Sure.  I don’t care how little bran is in a Frankenberry, it’s bright and delicious.  My current breakfast neither “snaps” nor “crackles;” and in no way does it “pop.”  It just sinks beneath the milk and disheartens me.

Have I treated my body so horribly that I am reduced to this daily punishment?  Yep.  I ate miniature chocolate chip cookies in whole milk well into my twenties.  My mornings were colorful, noisy, and tooth aching.  On the days a prize fell from the box, our kitchen table had the frenzy of a prison cafeteria during a cigarette shortage. It was glorious sugar fueled chaos, but it couldn’t last.

These days I quietly listen to the morning news and try not to think about what I’m eating.  However, I sometimes catch eyes with the box and grow angry.  How the Hell did these two Kashi cultists get their own cereal?  I was never a big Wheaties guy, but at least I trust Mary Lou Retton and Michael Jordan!  Say what you like about Count Chocula, these people are the real breakfast vampires, draining my soul dry five mornings a week.  My only consolation is coffee, the socially acceptable adult sugar cereal substitute.  That tagline is for sale, by the way.

4 responses to “Just A.D.D. Sugar”

  1. piercedotcom says:

    Perhaps if there was a manic cartoon “Raisin Bran Man” to raise my awareness, I'd be inclined to try it.

  2. piercedotcom says:

    Perhaps if there was a manic cartoon “Raisin Bran Man” to raise my awareness, I'd be inclined to try it.

  3. OK, you need this shirt. It's basically made just for you.

  4. JimHill says:

    Raisin Bran Crunch, all the sugar with 0 guilt! It’s Raisin Bran Man!

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