Just A.D.D. Sugar

I silently cursed the middle-aged couple smiling at me from the front of my Kashi-Good Friends cereal box.  As I chew mouthful after mouthful of fiber twigs I think that if they were really “good friends,” they’d help me out with a couple of marshmallows. The password has obviously been changed on the Honeycomb Hideout and these two sugar-free health zombies don’t know it.  I am not certainly going cuckoo for this.  I would never attempt to steal it from a leprechaun or protect it from a thieving rabbit.  I miss Cap’n Crunch and the brutal, but delicious, angles of his morning offering. Add extra sugar to create a pixie stick-like gray silt at the bottom of the bowl?  Sure.  I don’t care how little bran is in a Frankenberry, it’s bright and delicious.  My current breakfast neither “snaps” nor “crackles;” and in no way does it “pop.”  It just sinks beneath the milk and disheartens me.

Have I treated my body so horribly that I am reduced to this daily punishment?  Yep.  I ate miniature chocolate chip cookies in whole milk well into my twenties.  My mornings were colorful, noisy, and tooth aching.  On the days a prize fell from the box, our kitchen table had the frenzy of a prison cafeteria during a cigarette shortage. It was glorious sugar fueled chaos, but it couldn’t last.

These days I quietly listen to the morning news and try not to think about what I’m eating.  However, I sometimes catch eyes with the box and grow angry.  How the Hell did these two Kashi cultists get their own cereal?  I was never a big Wheaties guy, but at least I trust Mary Lou Retton and Michael Jordan!  Say what you like about Count Chocula, these people are the real breakfast vampires, draining my soul dry five mornings a week.  My only consolation is coffee, the socially acceptable adult sugar cereal substitute.  That tagline is for sale, by the way.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010 at 3:43 pm.
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My So-Called Zombie Life

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• Question from Professor Janice Warburton at Reanimation Laboratories, Gillette, Louisiana

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Staff writers for thedailyjim can be contacted regarding freelance assignments, project consultations, and ego boosts. Your hair looks great, by the way. All content on this page is creator owned unless otherwise noted.

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