Ben Contenplates Taking Olympian and Provocateur Scotty Lago as His Intern

Ben, my intern, is a diabolical genius.  He was late coming into the office this morning, so he took his beating without excuse.  Moments later he presented me with a director’s cut DVD of Walter Hill’s 1979 multi-racial gangs run amok in New York masterpiece, The Warriors.  Completely disarmed, I asked him calmly why he was late.  He exhaled and rubbed his neck.  “Things got a little “Friday night’ yesterday.”

Let me stop here and give you a brief explanation of “Friday night.”  Ben considers Friday night a holiday that only comes once every seven days and therefore worthy of massive celebration.  It’s the furthest point from Monday, when he has to return to work or school.  On his calendar, “Friday night” does periodically occur on other nights of the week.  Apparently the Vancouver Winter Olympics prompted last night’s unscheduled “Friday night.”

“Man, the ladies love Ice Dancing.  Then USA Hockey beat Canada.  Freakin’ Canada!  Everyone was all Scotty Lago doesn’t party that hard … and …” He kept moving his hands dramatically even after he stopped speaking to indicate that there words, but he couldn’t say them fast enough.

Okay, a little bit about Ben.  He’s an exceptionally average looking guy, so he’s had to develop brains and charm in order to woo women.  He’s also a born researcher, which make him a valuable asset to my team.  Through anecdotal inquiry he has catalogued a shocking amount of information regarding women.  For example, female non-athletes, between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five, enrolled in college and maintaining a 3.0 average or better will follow both Summer and Winter Olympics.  Their favorite events are Women’s Floor Gymnastics and Ice Dancing respectively.  He goes on with this information for a while when asked.  It’s usually so reasonable I don’t question it even when I’m sure that he’s exaggerating.  That’s how he gets you; he sells his logic so completely, that you believe him on nothing more than his word.  That being said, when I do occasionally investigate his findings they always turn out to be true or close enough to true.

So when he tells me that he was late this morning because the smartest girl in his Psychology class, who loves Olympic Ice Dancing and boys who are potential “projects,” was without a television last night, forcing them to watch it in a bar where all “Friday night” broke loose, I believe him.  After all, he can back it up with research.

This entry was posted on Monday, February 22nd, 2010 at 3:46 pm.
File under general. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

Comments Closed

blog comments powered by Disqus

My So-Called Zombie Life

• I wrote this Q & A for the November 2009 issue of Geek Monthly, where it was published in a slightly different format as “Ask a Zombie.”

  
  
  

• When I was alive I’d fight a zombie, but never wonder, “How’s this guy spending the rest of his time?” Die and learn I guess.  I will now attempt to answer just a few questions that I’d wish someone had taken the time from stalking and eating to answer for me when I was first [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Megan currently trapped inside the Old Navy in Forest Springs Mall, NJ

  “Why do the undead always look like they’re falling apart?  It’s really gross!” You’re referring to “body rot,” Megan.  As unsightly as it may be, zombies are literally falling apart due to decay. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be tidy.  I mean, I know guys with bugs crawling on them who are just plain [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Candice, hiding upstairs in your house

  “Sssssssssseeeeeeeth?” I know you’re hungry, but try to control your appetite.  There will always be dopes in the world; they’ll practically wander right up to you. I say, stick to gnawing on them, there is no shame in eating the slow or dim witted. The smart ones run really fast!  And good for them! If [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Professor Janice Warburton at Reanimation Laboratories, Gillette, Louisiana

  “Do zombies eat human brains exclusively?” Fact: Zombies eat whatever we can get our rotting hands on, brains, legs, intestine… I personally, enjoy throats and arms (man that’s just plain good eatin’).  I don’t know how this brain thing got started; there are worse misconceptions out there though, so this one is low priority.

  
  
  

• Question from Brian seat-belted in the back of a burned out school bus, OH

  “Grrrrrrrrrrawwwww! Mmmmmmmaaa?” Brian, Don’t bother trying to speak to the living.  They don’t get it!  In fact, they won’t get it until some drooling sap takes a bite out of them.  Generally they’re too busy screaming, running the other way, or spouting tough guy sound bites to listen to your rational. I have never gotten [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Colonel Samuel Doyle, stationed where Denver used to be

  “How do I know if I’m dealing with a slow zombie or a fast zombie before I get too close?” Me? I’m a throw back; I walk everywhere.  I mean, I’m already undead, what’s the hurry?  Some of these young guys like to run, mostly because it surprises the hell out of the living.  However, [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Karl, lurking somewhere in the woods

  “Hoo? Glurgggg?  Hooooooooooo?  Hoo? What about animal zombies, you ask?  I can’t tell you how many times newbies ask me this one.  My advice is always the same, if you can actually catch an animal and bite it while resisting the urge to eat the whole thing, more power to you.  Wildlife is both tasty [...]

  
  
  

• Question from “Anonymous,” drinking the last 7-11 Slurpees on freaking Earth in Pawtucket, RI

  “I heard that the government is working on a cure with some big drug companies.  I really hate freakin’ zombies… I wish you’d all die!” Great.  Thanks.  You don’t really get how this works do you?  I know where that 7-11 is by the way.  For the record, there is no cure for zombism.  A [...]

  
  
  

About the Daily Jim

Staff writers for thedailyjim can be contacted regarding freelance assignments, project consultations, and ego boosts. Your hair looks great, by the way. All content on this page is creator owned unless otherwise noted.

• Facebook
• Flickr
• Last.fm
• RSS
• Twitter