Ben Contenplates Taking Olympian and Provocateur Scotty Lago as His Intern
Ben, my intern, is a diabolical genius. He was late coming into the office this morning, so he took his beating without excuse. Moments later he presented me with a director’s cut DVD of Walter Hill’s 1979 multi-racial gangs run amok in New York masterpiece, The Warriors. Completely disarmed, I asked him calmly why he was late. He exhaled and rubbed his neck. “Things got a little “Friday night’ yesterday.”
Let me stop here and give you a brief explanation of “Friday night.” Ben considers Friday night a holiday that only comes once every seven days and therefore worthy of massive celebration. It’s the furthest point from Monday, when he has to return to work or school. On his calendar, “Friday night” does periodically occur on other nights of the week. Apparently the Vancouver Winter Olympics prompted last night’s unscheduled “Friday night.”
“Man, the ladies love Ice Dancing. Then USA Hockey beat Canada. Freakin’ Canada! Everyone was all Scotty Lago doesn’t party that hard … and …” He kept moving his hands dramatically even after he stopped speaking to indicate that there words, but he couldn’t say them fast enough.
Okay, a little bit about Ben. He’s an exceptionally average looking guy, so he’s had to develop brains and charm in order to woo women. He’s also a born researcher, which make him a valuable asset to my team. Through anecdotal inquiry he has catalogued a shocking amount of information regarding women. For example, female non-athletes, between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five, enrolled in college and maintaining a 3.0 average or better will follow both Summer and Winter Olympics. Their favorite events are Women’s Floor Gymnastics and Ice Dancing respectively. He goes on with this information for a while when asked. It’s usually so reasonable I don’t question it even when I’m sure that he’s exaggerating. That’s how he gets you; he sells his logic so completely, that you believe him on nothing more than his word. That being said, when I do occasionally investigate his findings they always turn out to be true or close enough to true.
So when he tells me that he was late this morning because the smartest girl in his Psychology class, who loves Olympic Ice Dancing and boys who are potential “projects,” was without a television last night, forcing them to watch it in a bar where all “Friday night” broke loose, I believe him. After all, he can back it up with research.
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