Cobra Commander’s Fashion Impact on this Winter’s Olympic Games

I have oft made it clear that I am no fan of Cobra Commander or his shoddy attempts at world domination.  With that being said, I have always been curious however, about how his iconic mirror-ball battle helmet doesn’t get fogged up while he’s working.  I can’t even see out of my swim goggles after about six seconds.  Turns out I’m not the only one thinking about this stuff as evidenced on the “world’s greatest stage,” this year’s Vancouver Winter Olympics.  All one hundred and ten Luge athletes are fitted in the full-face, fogless fashion of that fanged felon. He and his minions have always been fashion forward, but is his influence now reaching beyond the underworld and onto the runways?

There is a long tradition of shock and awe when intimidating your enemy.  Blackbeard, the pirate, used to twist lit cannon fuses into his beard just before boarding an enemy ship.  This would give the appearance that he was a demon, come to drag those who resisted to Hell.  The Scot, William Wallace, wore a belt made from an enemy sergeant as a grim message to the British.  In this regard, Cobra Commander is no different.  Like them, he was controversial from his earliest days, when he wore a cowl that was ironically remnisant of both a KKK hood and Dumb Donald from Fat Albert. It provided easy access for a quick lunch during a bank robbery, but it was too hokey and derivative to inspire true menace.

It wasn’t until he got the helmet, that people started to recognize him as a dashing evildoer, angry at the world.  He could stitch a fallen hem and bedazzle a bulletproof vest on a budget.  The snake looked so put together that it didn’t matter that he was an idiot, as long as he could get you into the hippest secret lairs.  Other chic villains began coming around, and before you could say, “Yo Joe,” he had the trendiest army in terror.  Destro’s humungous ‘70’s porn-star medallion necklace complete with S and M helmet, Zartan’s basketball court style washcloth headwear, even the Baroness’s full body cat-suit were all designed to impress the Commander. I’ll hand it to the guy; he understands flair when he sees it.  So I guess it’s no surprise that Adidas and Reebok are emulating his style.  Fortunately for us, what that dopey fashionista doesn’t realize is that looking good is only “half the battle.”

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 16th, 2010 at 4:55 pm.
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