For years Billy D. and Chin Ho have been disappointed with the lack of evil progress made by the Legion of Doom. But after memorizing every episode of HBO’s The Wire, they might have just come up with a solution to finally rid the world of that do-gooder, Superman. “Duke, if Avon Barksdale was running the show,” Billy D. shouts at me, “he’d have had Wee-Bay take care of Superman and LOD would be global!”
Chin Ho agrees. “Lex Luthor’s got himself a pretty good team, but they keep trying to jump from A to Z without even addressing B. It’s just a matter of restructuring to best synergize individual talents towards a common purpose, then holding everyone accountable for their success.”
“Luthor’s gotta be kiddin’ me with his bush league business model, Duke! He’s supposed to be an evil genius, but Stringer Bell achieved greater success from a couple of night classes at community college! We’ve applied the same paradigm used by a successful television drug syndicate … in this case, the Barksdale Organization, to kick some ass!”
These guys tell me that the Legion of Doom has to compartmentalize to achieve their goal(s). Not every villain has to go try and annihilate Green Lantern together. More strategic planning equals more efficient and effective annihilating. Solomon Grundy, Giganta, and Bizarro Superman are enforcers. Essentially their job is to crush potential competition and the local law. Riddler, Scarecrow, Sinestro, and Toyman are creative types, so they’re the earners who concoct the schemes that fund the organization. Lieutenants need to be loyal to one vision; their focus can’t be split; the best move is to deputize Cheetah and Black Manta. They’re smart, so they can run the LOD if Luthor has to go to the bathroom or something. Now comes the tricky part … Lex Luthor has to kill Gorilla Grodd and Brainiac.
“You ever wonder why the Joker isn’t in the Legion of Doom?” Billy D. asks me. “It’s because Luthor viewed him as competition to the throne. He screwed up though, because he let in Brainiac and Grodd! Those guys will wind up betraying him if he continues to let them breathe.”
“Does Brainiac breathe?” Chin Ho asks, “I thought he was a super-intelligent android, like a smart-alecky terminator.” That comment was not received well and I have eliminated Billy D’s obscene response from this transcript. Anyway …
So, essentially for this model to work, Lex Luthor has to be the absolute authority. Any plans to kill Flash or Wonder Woman have to originate with him (and under this model, he’ll actually have more time to plot big picture stuff). He can’t share power, because… well, they’re criminals! It just doesn’t work like that. Chin Ho reminds me of the mediocrity of Prop Joes’ New Day Co-Op, a democratic alliance of all Baltimore’s drug crews. “A study in failure,” he says.
This much focused thought from two guys who don’t know their own Social Security Numbers is impressive. Their plan seems pretty comprehensive to me until I ask about Batman. “Duke, Batman is like Omar! He’s an unpredictable variable. Guy like that … you just hope a nine-year old randomly takes him out in a 7-11. Now have another beer and try not to think about Batman.”