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The Daily Jim

All the wit that's fit to spit

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Help Wanted: Henchmen

Let’s say I need a small army for my own gains … I don’t really have time to go out and win hearts and minds, I kind of need to conquer the world ASAP … what are my options?  Mercenaries?  C’mon those guys are independent thinkers, not to mention expensive.  I’m a villain on a budget who doesn’t want employee feedback.  I require blind loyalty at a deep discount.

Cobra Commander hires mercenaries, and things aren’t going so great for him.  They’re a bunch of outsiders with their own agendas.  Sure he’s got grunts too, but no one’s training these clowns.  They literally can’t shoot to save their lives and they’re taking orders from sixteen different costumed lieutenants. The blame has to fall on the Commander, himself.  From a business paradigm, he’s a bit of a wuss.  Now, nobody likes their boss to be confrontational, but he’s trying to take over the freakin’ world, here! I think his minions will understand the occasional whip crack of quality control.  Instead he just screams and stomps his feet.  No self-accountability.  You can’t pay people to lead for you.

Now Darth Vader … that guy’s got himself an army.  He’s not scared to break a few eggs for his intergalactic power omelet.  Granted, his Imperial Storm Troopers aren’t the brightest stars in the universe, but damn if they’re not devoted.  Lord Vader says,” Jump in the Sarlacc’s mouth,” the boys in white are lining up to do the Triple Lindy down that thing’s throat.   Vader’s issue isn’t about his leadership style, it’s the fact that he’s actually … and I hate to say it … middle management.  The freakin’ Emperor (or Darth Sideous, or whoever) has got himself a Jihad against the Jedi and all Vader wants to do is just finally finish the damn Death Star.

To his stockholders it probably looks like Ernst Blofeld has a nice global crime operation, but internally he can’t settle on a vision for his organization.  Does he want to blow up the world or control it?  He’s got solid employees, but their lack of direction invariably allows that pest, 007, to defeat them.  It’s one guy you’re up against, buddy … you’ve got ninjas and astronauts on the payroll, work it out.

For all their flaws, these three guys are running huge operations.  I can appreciate that.   But, I guess the lesson here is that you have to run your world domination efforts like a business – start small and make bold moves.  Get the right henchmen in the right positions.  Stay focused on your objectives, and destroy your enemies already. Nobody wants to end up like Boss Hogg, stuck in some Georgia backwater, constantly duped by two redneck, NASCAR washouts, with bows and arrows.  Sure he owns the cops … that’s’ great if you want to get out of parking tickets, but not so good for carving your initials into the moon with a humongous laser from the comfort of your secret lair.

One response to “Help Wanted: Henchmen”

  1. Fictorial says:

    You crack me up.

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Gentleman Jim

  • MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.  

  • TUESDAY – Television.  Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.  

  • WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.  

  • THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.  

  • FRIDAY – Fantasy, Sci-fi, and comics.  Like living in your parents’ basement only without the inherent desperation. Well…