A Fanboy for All Seasons

fan . boy
-noun
an enthusiastic devotee, follower, or admirer of movies, television, gaming, comic books, etc.
Example:
That fanboy enjoys cosplay  and, therefore, will probably never date an actual,  physical girl.

My wife likes movies. She laughs when she’s supposed to and cries when it’s called for. She understands plot and character development. She just likes movies. And until a few days ago, she was happily unaware that a sequel to Iron Man has been filmed and will be released on Friday, May 7, 2010 at 12am (11:59pm on the 6th at participating theaters). I have no idea how she functions in this world.

I mean … the 72-day production wrapped principal photography on July 19, 2009! There were questions over the replacement of Terrence Howard with Don Cheadle as well as the creation of Mickey Rourke’s character “Whiplash,” as an amalgam of several existing comic characters. When confronted by the dissertation level of research that I have accumulated about the movie, she responded as she usually does, “I bet I’ll enjoy it more than you. Oh, and, how old were you when you first spoke to a girl? It was me, wasn’t it?”

She’s right of course. Not about the talking to girls thing, but about enjoying the movie … she’s spot on. Like most hobbies in which I partake, I have drained the marrow of enjoyment years ago by over-analysis, leaving me with the remnants of a hollow bone. Sure playing fetch with that bone passes the time, but it’s the same outcome every time. This, unfortunately, is the guiding principle of  fanboy culture; to destroy the illusion of entertainment through dissection and critique; and take as many non-fanboys as you can down with you. “You’re not really having fun … and here’s why.”

Just like that idiot who plays internet poker and thinks because he beat his frat brothers, Lumpy and Princess, at Texas Hold ‘Em over a six-pack of Bud Light Wheat, he can suddenly educate his entire office on their “tells;” or that statistics computer who sits next to you at the Sox game, bludgeoning you with trivial data while yearning to be a broadcaster … my fellow fanboys and I have freed ourselves from the comfort of our parents’ basements and local video stores and we’re off to tell everyone what we know, even if you don’t care.

Hollywood is now spending millions of dollars annually trying to either buy the love of or mollify the resonant, and mostly negative, voice of the fanboy, which, prior to the internet, was heard only in comic book shops and across the table at games of Dungeon and Dragons. But now we’re global.  We’re pissed. And we’re most likely going to spoil the whole movie for you.  I hope that’s not a problem?

This entry was posted on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:16 pm.
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My So-Called Zombie Life

• I wrote this Q & A for the November 2009 issue of Geek Monthly, where it was published in a slightly different format as “Ask a Zombie.”

  
  
  

• When I was alive I’d fight a zombie, but never wonder, “How’s this guy spending the rest of his time?” Die and learn I guess.  I will now attempt to answer just a few questions that I’d wish someone had taken the time from stalking and eating to answer for me when I was first [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Megan currently trapped inside the Old Navy in Forest Springs Mall, NJ

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• Question from Candice, hiding upstairs in your house

  “Sssssssssseeeeeeeth?” I know you’re hungry, but try to control your appetite.  There will always be dopes in the world; they’ll practically wander right up to you. I say, stick to gnawing on them, there is no shame in eating the slow or dim witted. The smart ones run really fast!  And good for them! If [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Professor Janice Warburton at Reanimation Laboratories, Gillette, Louisiana

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• Question from Brian seat-belted in the back of a burned out school bus, OH

  “Grrrrrrrrrrawwwww! Mmmmmmmaaa?” Brian, Don’t bother trying to speak to the living.  They don’t get it!  In fact, they won’t get it until some drooling sap takes a bite out of them.  Generally they’re too busy screaming, running the other way, or spouting tough guy sound bites to listen to your rational. I have never gotten [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Colonel Samuel Doyle, stationed where Denver used to be

  “How do I know if I’m dealing with a slow zombie or a fast zombie before I get too close?” Me? I’m a throw back; I walk everywhere.  I mean, I’m already undead, what’s the hurry?  Some of these young guys like to run, mostly because it surprises the hell out of the living.  However, [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Karl, lurking somewhere in the woods

  “Hoo? Glurgggg?  Hooooooooooo?  Hoo? What about animal zombies, you ask?  I can’t tell you how many times newbies ask me this one.  My advice is always the same, if you can actually catch an animal and bite it while resisting the urge to eat the whole thing, more power to you.  Wildlife is both tasty [...]

  
  
  

• Question from “Anonymous,” drinking the last 7-11 Slurpees on freaking Earth in Pawtucket, RI

  “I heard that the government is working on a cure with some big drug companies.  I really hate freakin’ zombies… I wish you’d all die!” Great.  Thanks.  You don’t really get how this works do you?  I know where that 7-11 is by the way.  For the record, there is no cure for zombism.  A [...]

  
  
  

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Staff writers for thedailyjim can be contacted regarding freelance assignments, project consultations, and ego boosts. Your hair looks great, by the way. All content on this page is creator owned unless otherwise noted.

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