A Fanboy for All Seasons
fan . boy
an enthusiastic devotee, follower, or admirer of movies, television, gaming, comic books, etc.
That fanboy enjoys cosplay and, therefore, will probably never date an actual, physical girl.
My wife likes movies. She laughs when she’s supposed to and cries when it’s called for. She understands plot and character development. She just likes movies. And until a few days ago, she was happily unaware that a sequel to Iron Man has been filmed and will be released on Friday, May 7, 2010 at 12am (11:59pm on the 6th at participating theaters). I have no idea how she functions in this world.
I mean … the 72-day production wrapped principal photography on July 19, 2009! There were questions over the replacement of Terrence Howard with Don Cheadle as well as the creation of Mickey Rourke’s character “Whiplash,” as an amalgam of several existing comic characters. When confronted by the dissertation level of research that I have accumulated about the movie, she responded as she usually does, “I bet I’ll enjoy it more than you. Oh, and, how old were you when you first spoke to a girl? It was me, wasn’t it?”
She’s right of course. Not about the talking to girls thing, but about enjoying the movie … she’s spot on. Like most hobbies in which I partake, I have drained the marrow of enjoyment years ago by over-analysis, leaving me with the remnants of a hollow bone. Sure playing fetch with that bone passes the time, but it’s the same outcome every time. This, unfortunately, is the guiding principle of fanboy culture; to destroy the illusion of entertainment through dissection and critique; and take as many non-fanboys as you can down with you. “You’re not really having fun … and here’s why.”
Just like that idiot who plays internet poker and thinks because he beat his frat brothers, Lumpy and Princess, at Texas Hold ‘Em over a six-pack of Bud Light Wheat, he can suddenly educate his entire office on their “tells;” or that statistics computer who sits next to you at the Sox game, bludgeoning you with trivial data while yearning to be a broadcaster … my fellow fanboys and I have freed ourselves from the comfort of our parents’ basements and local video stores and we’re off to tell everyone what we know, even if you don’t care.
Hollywood is now spending millions of dollars annually trying to either buy the love of or mollify the resonant, and mostly negative, voice of the fanboy, which, prior to the internet, was heard only in comic book shops and across the table at games of Dungeon and Dragons. But now we’re global. We’re pissed. And we’re most likely going to spoil the whole movie for you. I hope that’s not a problem?
“VARIANT COVER” – A comic book produced with different covers for the express purpose of having you, the comic fan boy, boy multiple copies of the same thing. Sometimes many covers will create a larger tapestry or work of art; others will be in 3-D; or have alternative concepts. We all love art or we [...]
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Attention lonely geeks! “Drunk” is only a superpower at Red Sox games and ex-girlfriends’ weddings.
MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.
TUESDAY – Television. Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.
WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.
THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.
FRIDAY – Fantasy, Sci-fi, and comics. Like living in your parents’ basement only without the inherent desperation. Well…