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The Daily Jim

All the wit that's fit to spit

Sunday, April 22, 2018

First Event in the 2010 Summer Suburban Olymics Anounced!!

I am from the suburbs.  It’s not sexy, but it’s the truth.  Sure, if the Suburbs raised an army, we would outnumber both the Urban and Rural armies, but we’d undoubtedly get our asses kicked by their street-smart cunning and corn-fed biceps.  That said, I will not spend time here decrying the Suburbs.  Instead, I’d like to announce with great enthusiasm that the first event of the 2010 Summer Suburban Olympic Games has been decided.   It’s no surprise really; it is the official warm-weather sport of the Suburbs.  No, it’s not lacrosse.  Everybody always thinks it’s freakin’ lacrosse!  Actually, it’s Pool-Hopping.

Ever since the dawning of disposable cash when people started constructing concrete swimming holes behind their houses, legions of suburban teenagers have spent summers sneaking into the backyards of their neighbors to goof around in their swimming pools.

“Awesome,” you say.

“Awesome,” indeed.  A good pool-hopper can swim in several pools in one night.  A great pool-hopper will reconnoiter the scene so thoroughly that he can invite a date and stay in one place most of the night.  A bad pool-hopper will become separated from his belongings and fail to outrun the local police while trying to scramble over a six-foot stockade fence.  I was a bad pool-hopper.  Actually, that’s not right … at my best I was a sidekick pool-hopper.  However, I had the good fortune to be Short Round to the Indiana Jones of Pool-Hopping.  Of course those were back in the early days of the sport when you had to go on an expedition for water.   Now, Google Earth can find you every pool on the planet from your phone.  It’s come a long way.

In a statement released earlier today, the Summer Suburban Olympics Commissioner stated, “The Suburbs are proud of both the rich history and potential in this sport.  More events will be announced in the coming weeks.  We invite all suburbanites to join us this July 2nd for the Opening Ceremonies being held in the Suburban capital of Long Island.”

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Gentleman Jim

  • MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.  

  • TUESDAY – Television.  Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.  

  • WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.  

  • THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.  

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