Get updates by email:

The Daily Jim

All the wit that's fit to spit

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Some of All Fears

Billy D. cleans up his hotel room before he checks out.   He doesn’t need to, it’s a really nice hotel; he’s stayed there several times before.  In fact, the housecleaning staff does a great job.  It’s always meticulous throughout his visit.  This is what bothers him.  He has come to fear the distant possibility that hotel staff could very easily collect scraps of guests’ DNA to plant at crime scenes.  He is convinced that one day he’ll go to prison a wrongfully accused man with a wild tale of innocence that runs contrary to all physical evidence.

Now wait a second … Billy D. isn’t usually a lunatic, in fact he’s one of the most successful and grounded guys I know.  This is just his “one thing,” it kind of makes him a bit more interesting.  After all, he’s not the only normal, fully functioning adult with strangely manufactured fears.  My buddy, Action Man is scared of children dressed as adults, in suits and ties or little brides maids’ gowns.  Kelly doesn’t sit with her legs extended out over a footstool or on the coffee table.  It’s not out of etiquette; she’s terrified that a chunk of the ceiling will fall directly on her knees, bending them backwards through the gap.  I have a special little piece of crazy in the back of my head that is reserved exclusively for clowns.  Now, I’ve never been personally affronted by a clown before, no clown has done me physical harm, but I know … I just know they’re not being genuine under that make-up and that one day a clown will be silently standing over my lifeless body.

Everybody has something of which they are convinced they should be petrified, no matter how flat-out crazy it seems to the world at large. Where does this stuff come from? Our parents not monitoring what we were watching on television as kids?  Some childhood trauma?

I was at a dinner party a while back, when my host, in an effort to illustrate that his three year-old had the ability to entirely block out all noise created by adults, stated to me that he hoped his son went to bed “before the bears came.”  The kid takes that one moment to be listening to his dad and therefore will most likely fear bears for the rest of his life.  Now sarcastic parenting is a great explanation for things like clowns and sitting properly, I guess, but it still doesn’t touch on the hotel DNA thing.

I’m no psychologist, heck the only reason I took Psych in college was because there were so many girls registered for it (there was something about my Id fighting my Ego, but I can remember who won), but my current theory is that the brain can handle only so much before it breaks.  We create these wacko scenarios that will never happen as a safety net of last resort.  That way if we’re in a plane crash or lose our jobs we can take comfort in the fact that things could be worse.  At least the well-dressed children haven’t finally raised that army; or the clowns haven’t yet mounted their attack, with their razor sharp teeth and oversized, talon-like feet.

No support group exists for Billy D.’s specific form of paranoia, so he still travels regularly, cleaning up his hotel room before he leaves.  He’s not uptight about it.  He knows it probably won’t happen, but if somebody is going to frame him like Richard Kimble, they’re going to figure out a way regardless of what he does.  That being said, he tips the housekeepers pretty well, you know, just in case.

One response to “Some of All Fears”

  1. Cynthia Cominsky says:


    Is Billy D really one of the most grounded guys you know? Really?

Geek Definition of the Day

“VARIANT COVER” – A comic book produced with different covers for the express purpose of having you, the comic fan boy, boy multiple copies of the same thing.  Sometimes many covers will create a larger tapestry or work of art; others will be in 3-D; or have alternative concepts. We all love art or we […]

Lessons in Bad Media Franchising and Merchandising

1) Saw 8: The Reality Television Gameshow 2)Live action movie of Hungry, Hungry Hippos 3)The Tonight Show, starring Chewbacca 4) Deadpool vs. Punisher: The Musical 5) The Human Centipede sleeping bag 6) C-Span Live Action Role Playing Group 7) The new Texas Chainsaw Massacre ride at Six Flags Over Texas 8) Your Parents Basement is Always […]

Where is Our Modern Barney Miller?

The single camera glory that was Barney Miller can probably never be reproduced.  There’s heavy debate in the office whether it should be or not. It was essentially a 22-minute, 3-act play with minimal characters and only one set (after Season One that also featured Barney’s dining room at home).  The thing is, the writing […]

Non-John Hughes High School Movies from the ’80s

Yep. Most of the high school biggies were our man, Hughes. But if you can name the 1980s high school movie quotes listed below, your might have been paying attention to something else in ’88 other than the MTV Beach House and that cute girl with freckles in your 11th grade Chemistry class. 5)”Last night, […]

Mark Your Calendar, Nerds!!!

This Weekend is legendary Indy 500.  Please don’t think geekdom is limited to cosplay and app programming.  Oh no, my friends. Two years ago our Mid-West correspondent, Billy D, and I watched those car dorks jump a humongous Hot Wheels truck  over a bunch of school busses and twice as many drunks while Florence Henderson […]


Attention lonely geeks! “Drunk” is only a superpower at Red Sox games and ex-girlfriends’ weddings.

Gentleman Jim

  • MONDAY – Movies. Their glory and their hilarious tragedy.  

  • TUESDAY – Television.  Our favorite drug; constant and comforting, but often packaged with regret.  

  • WEDNESDAY – Wildcards! Probably a piece of weird fiction in which Spider-Man has to talk down Laura Ingles from making a bad decision.  

  • THURSDAY – Thesis-level Dorkdom. Jargon, geek terms and weird insight explained for the rest of us.  

  • FRIDAY – Fantasy, Sci-fi, and comics.  Like living in your parents’ basement only without the inherent desperation. Well…