Would You Let Fonzie Live in Your House With Your Teenage Daughter?

Last week in his Super Mega-Mailbag, Part II ESPN.com’s Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, received this comment from Brendon P. in Cedar Falls, Iowa:

“I nominate Jor-El for worst parent of the century. It’s highly irresponsible to put a naked baby in a space ship made of sharp rocks. It’s a good thing there is no child services on Krypton or his ass would be locked up.”

The Sports guy’s response was a simple, “Well, I guess it’s time.”

While thedailyjim.com staffers are big fans of Bill Simmons, we thought his answer could use a little further exploration – we actually wish Brendon P. wrote to us first ( NOTE – Brendon P., our intern, Ben, will be coming to Cedar Falls to interview you as soon as he earns enough by returning cans and bottles to pay for the trip).

Jor-El is a great example of really sketchy parenting that happened to work out.  A theoretical baby Superman could just have easily rocketed into a theoretical black hole. Bam! Lois Lane would probably have become Batman’s problem. Likewise, Howard and Marion Cunningham renting their garage apartment to sex-crazed Fonzie could have taken Happy Days down a dark road with Joanie always hanging around!  That guy, in addition to Pinky Tuscadero, was also “dating” several sets of twins!

The Karate Kid’s mom: “So Daniel, you’re getting beat up at school by a pack of milk money mini-ninjas … That’s too bad.  You know that creepy little man who’s always looking at you needs someone to wax his cars and paint his fence.  That should take care of your problem.”

There’s no way she could have called that one!  Just like real parenting, a good deal of luck is involved in decision making.  But if you’re a cop, like that dad from Twilight, you might also want to run a background check on your daughter’s new vampire boyfriend.  He’s like 105 and still a senior in high school!  Your tax dollars at work.

My wife, Red, tried to explain where the parents were on Gossip Girl, but I got distracted (Ben has since been tasked with watching Season 1 and reporting back).   Did you know one of those kids wears an ascot like Mr. Howell?

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My So-Called Zombie Life

• I wrote this Q & A for the November 2009 issue of Geek Monthly, where it was published in a slightly different format as “Ask a Zombie.”

  
  
  

• When I was alive I’d fight a zombie, but never wonder, “How’s this guy spending the rest of his time?” Die and learn I guess.  I will now attempt to answer just a few questions that I’d wish someone had taken the time from stalking and eating to answer for me when I was first [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Megan currently trapped inside the Old Navy in Forest Springs Mall, NJ

  “Why do the undead always look like they’re falling apart?  It’s really gross!”
  You’re referring to “body rot,” Megan.  As unsightly as it may be, zombies are literally falling apart due to decay. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be tidy.  I mean, I know guys with bugs crawling on them who are just plain dirty.  [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Candice, hiding upstairs in your house

  “Sssssssssseeeeeeeth?”
  I know you’re hungry, but try to control your appetite.  There will always be dopes in the world; they’ll practically wander right up to you. I say, stick to gnawing on them, there is no shame in eating the slow or dim witted. The smart ones run really fast!  And good for them! If you [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Professor Janice Warburton at Reanimation Laboratories, Gillette, Louisiana

  “Do zombies eat human brains exclusively?”
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• Question from Brian seat-belted in the back of a burned out school bus, OH

  “Grrrrrrrrrrawwwww! Mmmmmmmaaa?”
  Brian, Don’t bother trying to speak to the living.  They don’t get it!  In fact, they won’t get it until some drooling sap takes a bite out of them.  Generally they’re too busy screaming, running the other way, or spouting tough guy sound bites to listen to your rational. I have never gotten past [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Colonel Samuel Doyle, stationed where Denver used to be

  “How do I know if I’m dealing with a slow zombie or a fast zombie before I get too close?”

  Me? I’m a throw back; I walk everywhere.  I mean, I’m already undead, what’s the hurry?  Some of these young guys like to run, mostly because it surprises the hell out of the living.  However, [...]

  
  
  

• Question from Karl, lurking somewhere in the woods

  “Hoo? Glurgggg?  Hooooooooooo?  Hoo?
  What about animal zombies, you ask?  I can’t tell you how many times newbies ask me this one.  My advice is always the same, if you can actually catch an animal and bite it while resisting the urge to eat the whole thing, more power to you.  Wildlife is both tasty and [...]

  
  
  

• Question from “Anonymous,” drinking the last 7-11 Slurpees on freaking Earth in Pawtucket, RI

  “I heard that the government is working on a cure with some big drug companies.  I really hate freakin’ zombies… I wish you’d all die!”
  Great.  Thanks.  You don’t really get how this works do you?  I know where that 7-11 is by the way.  For the record, there is no cure for zombism.  A girl [...]

  
  
  

About the Daily Jim

Jim Pierce is an essayist and short story writer. He can be contacted at thedailyjim@gmail.com regarding freelance assignments, project consultations, and ego boosts. Your hair looks great, by the way. All content on this page is creator owned unless otherwise noted.

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